Hi all,

Oh, it has been good to read these stories... thank you so much for sharing.

I was determined to give bf a red hot go. Mum couldn't bf my sister or me, and my sister, after trying to bf DS for 3 weeks but switching to FF due to low lactation, FF her 2 DDs from the start. So I thought perhaps I would have issues but would try my best. I did.

Had a beautiful, natural, drug free labour and birth (largely thanks to education gleaned from this site!) - best possible start for DD... who screamed the house down for the first hour of her life - lying on my tummy squalling her little lungs out at the indignity of being naked I think (she's 8 weeks now and only JUST tolerates nakey time). The middie asked if I'd like help bf - I said yes, as DD arrived 15 days early I missed my booked bf class by 2 days! So she sort of put her on my boob, DD had a bit of a nibble, but that was it. Over the next few days in hospital, every time I went to the nursery I saw someone different and had conflicting advice. One person said she had a high palate - she doesn't. Some said she was quite little and I had big nipples - my nipples are normal but yes, DD's mouth was a little small. We were kept in for an extra day as she lost too much weight due to low lactation and was becoming jaundiced - I so wanted to get home that I put her on every time she moved and ended up with cracked nipples and had to express and comp feed. BUT I got to take my baby home the next day.

We came home comp feeding, and it seemed that every few days threw up a new challenge - I have dealt with cracked nipples, nipple shields, thrush - but happy days, we finally got to exclusive breast feeding, with a lot of support from my belly buddies thread ladies, an LC, and my wonderful DH. It was tiring, but I could see that she was gaining weight, and as she grew, so did her little mouth and her attachment improved out of sight. It was wonderful to see the MCHN and have her say, "So how long are you planning on breastfeeding?" I was stumped - I had planned to give it a shot, and hey, I was doing it! She explained how it all works with feeding upon return to work etc and it sounded doable, so I thought I'd aim for 12 months. Easy!

Just before new year, DD started to get very unsettled and grizzly. I thought it was just the 6 week mark - wonder week But she was also getting very listless and she wasn't thriving. So we started comping again... and she started sleeping again. Not me though - I had the routine of bf as long as possible, top up EBM or FF, then expressing, then sterilising everything and preparing the next top up... then it would start again. I tried Fenugreek and the lactation cookies - delicious! But apparently it wouldn't work for me. DD would still stay on the breast for ages (loves to comfort suck, does my little girl), but was taking more and more "top up". I was still offering the breast every feed, but I could feel that they were not filling up again. Her last bf was last Wednesday night, one day shy of 8 weeks. I offered her the breast on Thursday - she latched (gee she got so good at it!) but then dropped it and looked at me quizzically. So now my little girl is a FF baby.

I'm really proud of what I gave her - as my Mum pointed out, it's 8 weeks more breastmilk than I ever got, and Mum and I are very close, so I know that this is not an impediment to my bond with my little girl. In fact, we now have more awake time together as we're not both completely exhausted post-feed. She is growing beautifully and all I want is for her to be healthy and happy, which she wasn't while she was hungry and tired all the time. I could not have persisted with bf as long as I did without my DH. I am mostly at peace with this but I still have tears in my eyes as I type! Silly I know. I also know that I'll give bf a go next time around, and hope to continue a bit longer.

I don't feel guilt - I can't feel guilty about giving my baby the nourishment she needs. But I am my own worst enemy - have always been very critical of myself - and while I don't feel like a failure per se, I feel like the body that carried her and birthed her so well and so efficiently has kind of ... given up? I don't want to say failed... I guess some people have trouble conceiving, some people have trouble during pregnancy, some people have trouble during labour/delivery, some people have trouble bf. Some have it all, some have none of it. Everyone's journey is different - this is mine, with this child.