Advice please - My Lesbian Daughter wants a baby from her Gay male best friend

[Aspire]

Hello all,

I am a hetro parent and my daughter came out a few years ago while she was at High School. Though it was a surprise at first I soon realised it did not change her as a loving daughter and she was entitled to her sexual orientation. Now she is 18 and has been away from school for a couple of years and I am trying to guide her into a career.

I must admit that it is frustrating trying to keep her focused on sorting out her future. Though she says she wants my help and really wants her future I fear she is becoming distracted the more she gets involved with her sexuality, romances and joining with other like minded young people.

I really would like any advice from this forum with trying to guide my daughter.

When she was at school, she became great friends with a young gay guy and they are still great friends though some of the things she says about his substance abuse concerns me.

In a quiet moment some time ago she told me that she was in love with him but he is not Bi. I can’t help but think that she is adapting so as to continue her relationship with this guy.

This young feller is very insecure and uses my daughter to help him find other young guys. From what my daughter says I can not help but think that he is using her as a security blanket

My daughter has the occasional romance but the only thing that has been a constant has been her gay male friend.

I am struggling to keep her on track with her career and now she comes home saying that she and her gay friend are going to become parents – He donating sperm for artificial insemination.

I need some guidance here please – They may continue to be friends but I am sure they will never be a couple. If there were a baby to arrive, is this kind of fathering – friend relationship going to be OK for the little one? It seems a little unusual to me – am I wrong?

I am at a loss – do I stay out of this – do I keep battling to help her sort out her future?

I approached it once and there was a huge wall that came up between us.

[Mum2Romone]

I think Id be more worried about her having a baby at all at 18

[beckoes]

just wanted to say hi, welcome to BB and hugs for the situation you are in. I have no idea what i would do if i were in your situation, so complex!! I hope you find some great advice. sure you will!

[alioops]

I think the relationship would be very much the same between the baby and your DD's friend as the relationship between a family who use a known donor and the donor is. Maybe have a look into some literature regarding Known Donation and Rainbow Parenting. I am a young mum. I had my first baby at 20. I dont thing age really has anything to do with preparedness for parenting, I think maturity is more important.

My parents wanted me to be established in a career before having children. Personally I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and having children has helped me find direction. I am preparing to apply for Uni now that I know what I want to do. Maybe she is not ready for a lifelong career decision yet.

[Floweryfields]

Yes me too, she needs to get her life set up before thinking of a baby. Who's going to financaiolly supporting the child -you will have alot of added responsibility to think about too.

[ubba82]

You also mentioned her friends substance abuse which I don't think is at all ideal in making a baby or parenting.

[Mrs Jak]

I really liked Briggsy's Girl's advice.

A lot of people at 18 aren't ready to lock in to a career path and in my opinion, having children young can be a fantastic thing, (18 is an adult and not a child) but she really needs to realise how hard single parenting can be and the impact that could be had on family and friends.

Maybe you could tell her your true feelings on the subject but that you will be supportive of her in whatever direction she chooses? I know I would find it hard to express my feelings on the topic to my daughter without getting emotional, but like you say, she may get defensive again and it will make things harder for you.

I know in the past I relied too much on my Mother's opinions and thoughts and as such our relationship has stayed as 'Mother and child' and not evolved in to a Mother/Daughter respectful friendship, as I see my other friends have and I wish for. I can only guess, but I think it's because my mother hasn't let go at her end and has never wanted us to fail or 'stuff up', but I'm afraid it's inevitable in life and sometimes you just have to hope the work you've done in the past has paid off.. ( Insert father/daughter where applicable )

[Mrs Jak]

If she is at home, that makes it a bit trickier!

Does she have plans to move out on her own to raise her child, (if it happens) and is she responsible for paying her own way as an adult in your household?

I'd probably start giving her a gentle reality check now about how she will have to support and raise this child, not you guys..

[entreat]

A lot of people at 18 aren't ready to lock in to a career path and in my opinion, having children young can be a fantastic thing

But a career path is a lot less responsibility than a child! You can always change your career. If you don't like the course you're studying - change it. Don't like your job - get a different one. The doors are always open.

You cannot turn back from having a child. Yes, there are still many open doors for a career, but after watching my mum go through it - talk about the hardest way possible!

If she's not ready for job-life at 18yo, she's MILES away from from being ready for parent-life. Still living at home (at 18yo - that's fine, don't get me wrong there), but that's a really immature decision to make when you've never been out in the real world. At the moment she has a HUGE safety net of "mum's house". As it is, being 'home' for only 3 or 4 nights a week does not sound 'parent ready' in the slightest as I assume she's out enjoying the freedom of being an irresponsible 18yo (oh - those were the days!).

I don't think she knows how hard parenting (single or not) is, and what that would mean she has to change about her current lifestyle.

[*Efjay*]

Not sure what to say.. I guess you need to be supportive. But I can see the reason why you have concerns.
I have no idea what the process is with IVF.. But maybe suggest she do some conselling before going down the path to parenthood? Maybe it will help her see that becoming a parent is something special & that she should wait & see if she finds someone who will want to be her life partner to share such a special time with. KWIM?

Goodluck with it. Good on you for being a supportive Mum

[skybie]

i was pregnant when i was 19, my bub turned out aok!
u need to support your daughter in everything she chooses to do.
Being a young mum isnt a bad thing, yes its a bit harder but if she chooses to go through with it, its so so so important that she has your support (yes as much as she pretends to not care, your support really is the most important thing to her)

No i dont think a child having gay parents is any issue, so long as the child knows how it came to be from an early age, and its not kept a big secret.
Secrets mean that we're hiding something, and to hide somthing means we arent proud of our decision, which means it wrong.
Being a child from gay parents isnt wrong, its just as right as being a child from hetro parents.

should this come to be, there are plenty of books out these day for kids about donor bubs and bubs from same sex parents.
Good luck, i hope this journey isnt a tough one for you xxx

[briggsy's girl]

welcome to BB - hope the advice you get here can help you out!

i would suggest not trying to influence your daughter in any way - if you try to push her in one direction (career) she will likely go the opposite. simply support her as much as you can

if she is adamant on having a child with her friend, it would really be little different to any other relationship where the parents don't co-habitate. sexuality doesn't define parenting abilities. i would suggest though that you do all you can to get them to do this through a clinic. at home insemination can be dangerous (no screening etc) - if it's done through an ivf clinic, both will be screened for problems, as well us needing to both undergo significant counselling in regards to the process. it might be helpful to both your daughter and her friend to have an outlet to talk to someone who can be more clinical and de-romanticise the idea of having a child. as you know, it's not easy - and if they are going to co-parent this child, they need to know what they're going into

good luck

[Lindley]

I agree with some of the above posts that the concept of known donor and co-parenting isn't the problem, her age is. 18 is a child - and yes, some kids make a success of having kids themselves, but from what you've said she seems very immature. She would probably be much better off finding out who she is and what she wants out of life.

Teh otehr red flags are a) that she says she's in love with him, but is used by him as a way to get sexual contacts and b) that you think she's trying to keep hold of him by having the child. That sounds like a trainwreck in process, and something that might cause huge amounts of pain and damage to both herself and her child. (And he sounds like a total nightmare, frankly.)

I don't think that gay and lesbian friends having and co-parenting a child between them is in any way wrong or unworkable; it can be a very stable, loving base for children. I think you're right, though, to be very worried about this particular situation, as it seems a long way from two adults who have thoughtfully considered what they want from life making a serious decision together - it sounds like a potential mess and a half.

I think briggsy's girl has a great idea - if you can convince her to go through a clinic, it will hopefully make her undergo counselling and really think about the consequences of what she is trying to do.

[Aspire]

Some great advice here.

Re letting her find her own direction, I agree - but knowing my daughter for the last 18 years I also know that she is very easily influenced by those around her. I thought I was on a winner when she became focused on a tertiary career and had it all planned out and was working the plan, but as of late I get the impression that studying is interrupting her social life.

The fact that she puts up a defensive wall around her whenever the subject is brought up conserns me. It is now escallated further, for the past 8 months she avoids talking with us so she does not need to discuss this.

I know there are excellent qualified life councellors that she has access to through Pride, but she needs to take this initiative herself - I can't force her.