Advice please - My Lesbian Daughter wants a baby from her Gay male best friend

[Lindley]

I agree with some of the above posts that the concept of known donor and co-parenting isn't the problem, her age is. 18 is a child - and yes, some kids make a success of having kids themselves, but from what you've said she seems very immature. She would probably be much better off finding out who she is and what she wants out of life.

Teh otehr red flags are a) that she says she's in love with him, but is used by him as a way to get sexual contacts and b) that you think she's trying to keep hold of him by having the child. That sounds like a trainwreck in process, and something that might cause huge amounts of pain and damage to both herself and her child. (And he sounds like a total nightmare, frankly.)

I don't think that gay and lesbian friends having and co-parenting a child between them is in any way wrong or unworkable; it can be a very stable, loving base for children. I think you're right, though, to be very worried about this particular situation, as it seems a long way from two adults who have thoughtfully considered what they want from life making a serious decision together - it sounds like a potential mess and a half.

I think briggsy's girl has a great idea - if you can convince her to go through a clinic, it will hopefully make her undergo counselling and really think about the consequences of what she is trying to do.

[Aspire]

Some great advice here.

Re letting her find her own direction, I agree - but knowing my daughter for the last 18 years I also know that she is very easily influenced by those around her. I thought I was on a winner when she became focused on a tertiary career and had it all planned out and was working the plan, but as of late I get the impression that studying is interrupting her social life.

The fact that she puts up a defensive wall around her whenever the subject is brought up conserns me. It is now escallated further, for the past 8 months she avoids talking with us so she does not need to discuss this.

I know there are excellent qualified life councellors that she has access to through Pride, but she needs to take this initiative herself - I can't force her.

[Indadhanu]

All you can do is walk behind her in this journey and be there for her if things go wrong. At 18 of course she is finding herself and her uni/career might be put on hold for a while. Isn't that normal for straight and gay and lesbian 18 year olds alike...? She may make decision that you, as her mother and as a person with more life experience, might think and even know are disasterous but the more you try to influence her and push her int he direction you think she should go in the more she is likely to resist that. 18yos are like that, we were all 18 once so I'm sure you can understand what I'm trying to say.

Positive or negative, she'll take the direction she feels is right for her right now. Just follow her, because if things go wrong (IF not WHEN) she'll need you to help her back up (without 'I told you so' ).

[entreat]

My thoughts: She's young (i remember that at 18, I did/said a bunch of stupid things that I would never have done at 20!). And I very much doubt she's thought this through past the prenancy phase! No one should have a child on a whim.

AI is still a very expensive procedure & I think you should really encourage her into counselling to get her to understand the full implications of what she wants to do. If she were my daughter, I would not support her financially to do this & would make that very clear. Emotional support is fine, but if she really thinks this is the right thing, she can pay for it on her own (or with the donor).

She needs to know that a baby will completely change her life as she knows it. Some doors close for a long time when you make that choice. she's going to have to be really really driven to get back into tertiary education as a single mum (I know - my mum was one that did it).

I agree that you can't push her into the right path, but only encourage her.

Does she still live at home with you?

[Rouge]

I have to say though, not everyone chooses to have children at 30 or 40 some people do CHOOSE to have children young (and not because they are immature or lazy or money hungry), and they do an awesome job of it too. You can offer her advice but ultimately she is an adult now, and you need to let her make her own decisions - but you can be there to support her as Leasha said.

[Lulu]

Regardless of her orientation, I would never support my daughter to get pregnant at 18. If she fell, so be it but I would not help her in that journey in any way.
Just mho

[Aspire]

Does she still live at home with you?

Yes - I think.... She is here about three to four nights a week. Though as a parent I should trust her but I have caught her out a few times regarding where she was.

By the way, there has been a couple of refrences to my position as her mother..... Roles are rather reversed in our house - I am her dad - now you might understand how confused I am in trying to cope with this

[Lulu]

Does it matter though? I think there are 2 things going on here - do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her (or cheer her along - whatever) in this latest idea to have a baby?

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

Welcome to Belly Belly by the way

Bloody hell, I was only just thinking that I'd be slightly lucky if my DD turns out to be a lady lover (it's looking a little bit that way ) cos I wouldn't have to worry about being a granny too early...aarrgh!

[fionas]

I was in love with a gay guy when I was 18 and if he'd topped his 'let's get married' with 'let's have a baby', I probably would have done because love really addles the brain. Luckily, I did neither.

Yes, some people make a conscious decision to have a baby young and it all works out for them. BUT, it looks like she may be taking such a big step to 1. Hold on to this guy in the hope that they'll then play happy families and 2.To avoid a career.

I wouldn't out and out be telling her it's a nuttso idea because that will put her offside. I'd be telling her that it's a big decision and it would be good for her to talk to other gay parents, other young parents, IVF counsellors etc. etc.

I'd also lay a little low on the career stuff. She may feel pressured to 'do something' with her life and this is pushing her towards having a baby too.

I know how frustrating it is when they seem directionless - my 16-year-old DSD is exactly the same. Luckily, we have an energetic toddler too which I think has put her off having kids for life because she can see how much hard work they are.

[Lulu]

Does it matter though? I think there are 2 things going on here - do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her (or cheer her along - whatever) in this latest idea to have a baby?

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

Welcome to Belly Belly by the way

Bloody hell, I was only just thinking that I'd be slightly lucky if my DD turns out to be a lady lover (it's looking a little bit that way ) cos I wouldn't have to worry about being a granny too early...aarrgh!

[Rouge]

I think her age really needs to be taken out of the equation, so does her sexuality. It's more about her life situation and where she is at. What is best for her as a person regardless of age. The only hindrance the age has is that unfortunately you are no longer able to have any control over the decisions she makes.

I would seriously recommend taking her to see a counsellor and see one yourself on how best to deal with your feelings and the situation overall.

[Aspire]

do you think you will be seen as unsupportive that she is gay if you don't agree to help her

Hit the nail on the head - any advice given contrary to her opinion is seen as not supporting her gay feelings

Whats the rush for her? Have you asked? Has she any idea how she will support the child?

You and I would naturally think of this but trying to speak logically to an 18 year old seems like trying to speak english to a martian sometimes. Been through this type of confusion with two older daughters (though their problems seemed slightly smaller in comparison)