Advice please - My Lesbian Daughter wants a baby from her Gay male best friend

[skybie]

i was pregnant when i was 19, my bub turned out aok!
u need to support your daughter in everything she chooses to do.
Being a young mum isnt a bad thing, yes its a bit harder but if she chooses to go through with it, its so so so important that she has your support (yes as much as she pretends to not care, your support really is the most important thing to her)

No i dont think a child having gay parents is any issue, so long as the child knows how it came to be from an early age, and its not kept a big secret.
Secrets mean that we're hiding something, and to hide somthing means we arent proud of our decision, which means it wrong.
Being a child from gay parents isnt wrong, its just as right as being a child from hetro parents.

should this come to be, there are plenty of books out these day for kids about donor bubs and bubs from same sex parents.
Good luck, i hope this journey isnt a tough one for you xxx

[briggsy's girl]

welcome to BB - hope the advice you get here can help you out!

i would suggest not trying to influence your daughter in any way - if you try to push her in one direction (career) she will likely go the opposite. simply support her as much as you can

if she is adamant on having a child with her friend, it would really be little different to any other relationship where the parents don't co-habitate. sexuality doesn't define parenting abilities. i would suggest though that you do all you can to get them to do this through a clinic. at home insemination can be dangerous (no screening etc) - if it's done through an ivf clinic, both will be screened for problems, as well us needing to both undergo significant counselling in regards to the process. it might be helpful to both your daughter and her friend to have an outlet to talk to someone who can be more clinical and de-romanticise the idea of having a child. as you know, it's not easy - and if they are going to co-parent this child, they need to know what they're going into

good luck

[Lindley]

I agree with some of the above posts that the concept of known donor and co-parenting isn't the problem, her age is. 18 is a child - and yes, some kids make a success of having kids themselves, but from what you've said she seems very immature. She would probably be much better off finding out who she is and what she wants out of life.

Teh otehr red flags are a) that she says she's in love with him, but is used by him as a way to get sexual contacts and b) that you think she's trying to keep hold of him by having the child. That sounds like a trainwreck in process, and something that might cause huge amounts of pain and damage to both herself and her child. (And he sounds like a total nightmare, frankly.)

I don't think that gay and lesbian friends having and co-parenting a child between them is in any way wrong or unworkable; it can be a very stable, loving base for children. I think you're right, though, to be very worried about this particular situation, as it seems a long way from two adults who have thoughtfully considered what they want from life making a serious decision together - it sounds like a potential mess and a half.

I think briggsy's girl has a great idea - if you can convince her to go through a clinic, it will hopefully make her undergo counselling and really think about the consequences of what she is trying to do.

[Aspire]

Some great advice here.

Re letting her find her own direction, I agree - but knowing my daughter for the last 18 years I also know that she is very easily influenced by those around her. I thought I was on a winner when she became focused on a tertiary career and had it all planned out and was working the plan, but as of late I get the impression that studying is interrupting her social life.

The fact that she puts up a defensive wall around her whenever the subject is brought up conserns me. It is now escallated further, for the past 8 months she avoids talking with us so she does not need to discuss this.

I know there are excellent qualified life councellors that she has access to through Pride, but she needs to take this initiative herself - I can't force her.

[Indadhanu]

All you can do is walk behind her in this journey and be there for her if things go wrong. At 18 of course she is finding herself and her uni/career might be put on hold for a while. Isn't that normal for straight and gay and lesbian 18 year olds alike...? She may make decision that you, as her mother and as a person with more life experience, might think and even know are disasterous but the more you try to influence her and push her int he direction you think she should go in the more she is likely to resist that. 18yos are like that, we were all 18 once so I'm sure you can understand what I'm trying to say.

Positive or negative, she'll take the direction she feels is right for her right now. Just follow her, because if things go wrong (IF not WHEN) she'll need you to help her back up (without 'I told you so' ).

[entreat]

My thoughts: She's young (i remember that at 18, I did/said a bunch of stupid things that I would never have done at 20!). And I very much doubt she's thought this through past the prenancy phase! No one should have a child on a whim.

AI is still a very expensive procedure & I think you should really encourage her into counselling to get her to understand the full implications of what she wants to do. If she were my daughter, I would not support her financially to do this & would make that very clear. Emotional support is fine, but if she really thinks this is the right thing, she can pay for it on her own (or with the donor).

She needs to know that a baby will completely change her life as she knows it. Some doors close for a long time when you make that choice. she's going to have to be really really driven to get back into tertiary education as a single mum (I know - my mum was one that did it).

I agree that you can't push her into the right path, but only encourage her.

Does she still live at home with you?

[Rouge]

I have to say though, not everyone chooses to have children at 30 or 40 some people do CHOOSE to have children young (and not because they are immature or lazy or money hungry), and they do an awesome job of it too. You can offer her advice but ultimately she is an adult now, and you need to let her make her own decisions - but you can be there to support her as Leasha said.

[Lulu]

Regardless of her orientation, I would never support my daughter to get pregnant at 18. If she fell, so be it but I would not help her in that journey in any way.
Just mho

[Aspire]

Does she still live at home with you?

Yes - I think.... She is here about three to four nights a week. Though as a parent I should trust her but I have caught her out a few times regarding where she was.

By the way, there has been a couple of refrences to my position as her mother..... Roles are rather reversed in our house - I am her dad - now you might understand how confused I am in trying to cope with this