Any suggestions???

[Lea79]

hi guys,

The known donor issues scare me too. DP and I have thought through this extensively and still think that a known donor would suit us best. Our known donor lives in Sydney and has helped a few other couples conceive their babies. He seems quite genuine and by talking to him you just know that he has done this before. He has never once been pushy. He respects our wishes and does not expect to have part of the childs life unless we want a limited amount. We have come across some really dodgy would be donors so we have been really careful in our choices. What it comes down to is the child. We want them to know who their father is and have the choice to get to know him or not. They have to live with it for the rest of their lives, it only affects us mildly considering. We also think its more personal to conceive our child together in the privacy of our own home. Of course we are presently trying to find a gay friendly lawyer to help us out with the contract etc and thats no easy road living in a town who is quite homophobic but I'm sure if we ask around some of our gay friends we will find somebody suitable.

We thought about going through a clinic many times. The risks are far less and lots of our gay friends have used them but something just didn't seem right with us. We will try the home insemination method first and see if we are successful from there. Many of you who have used clinics seem very happy with the outcome and we have nothing against them. Its just that we dont think it will suit us. As long as we get the legal stuff sorted correctly I dont think we will have a problem. We have until december to sort this so hopefully all will be good by then and we will know our donor a bit better too!
Goodluck everyone!

Leanne n Selena

[Sally2]

It's all about whatever journey works for you and your family. At the end of the day, it's our choice and it's wonderful that there are choices out there and there are guys who unselfishly want to help families and there are clinics who will work with us.

We feel so blessed to be having this baby come into our lives and have made the best decision we can about access that we are comfortable with for our donor. At 18, our kids can access all the information they want or need, including meeting our donor and we can actually request an earlier meeting if our kids are adamant earlier about wanting to know. It's been a long process to get to this point and many D & M's about it over sleepless nights.

Everyone's family is different and these kids are going to be wanted and loved, so what else can someone ask for?

[Lea79]

Thats right Sally. I didn't mean for it to come across in a negative way. Whatever suits each couple is the right choice for them to take. I totally agree with it. There are two flipsides with whatever road you choose. We are just really lucky to be able to have babies come into our lives.

[Chippy]

I'm due in Dec and am totally up for a new mums group! Where are all of you?...I'm in the inner north of melb.

[kate28]

Great Chippy, that's 3 of us now. If we can't get anymore, that's still enough for a small gathering! I have some other interested parties from PLP (Prospective Lesbian Parents) group that meets monthly.

It's a bit inappropriate for us to keep going to the group after the baby is born because it's mainly for people trying to sort out how to conceive and when they are in the process of it.

Sally, yes Hugo is the name we've chosen after much deliberation. My partner's surname (which he'll take) is very Italian but the donor is Indian so we wanted a name that would suit both. Funny, I had lots of girls names picked but it was so hard deciding on a boys name. Have you picked out options yet? I guess you have a few weeks still before you'd know the sex - are you finding out?

Lea79 - that donor situation sounds pretty good - he's already been road-tested with other couples so you have a pretty good idea of how it works out. Will you get to know the other half-siblings/couples as well once bubs-to-be is around?

[Lea79]

Yes I think so. We would really like that but that depends on the other couples at the time. They come from WA, TAS, and I think NSW a little way away from Townsville but will have to see how things progress. Our donor is really respectful of their privacy so will have to get him to ask them of course but it would be good to meet up once the baby is old enough. That is probably getting abit ahead of ourselves, dont wana jinx any good luck we have at the moment! Things are working out well so far.Your playgroup you are organising sounds wonderful, it would be so good to meet up with likeminded parents. Good on you all for being so proactive about it. Have fun!

Leanne

[Sally2]

Hey Kate

I love the name Hugo, it's soo cute for a little boy but translates into a great, strong name for a man. We are debating our names at the moment, we thought we had them picked out but have decided ( this week ! ) that we need a new girls name. We like Charlie Kurtis for a boy ( Sal T's brothers name is Kurtis ) and we had Lyssa Bea for a girl after her two sisters and their nicknames, but have decided we don't like Lyssa as a first name. So, Willow Kate ( her sisters name is Kathryne Melissa )for a girl or something Bea ? ( others sisters name )I hope we have two girls cause if one of Sal's sisters miss out, there will be war!
I don't have any brothers or sisters, so Sal's family has become my adopted family and I'm really happy for our kids to have names that reflect how close she is with her family. But what goes before Bea ?

Lea79, I totally didn't mean to sound like I was having a go at you, it's such an amazing thing to go on this journey and I absolutely respect that each family is going to evolve differently. Very cool though that your kids could ( potentially ) meet up with their siblings ! Definite benefit to the known donor.

Welcome Chippy, looking forward to our Mum's group too!

[sailorkaz]

Hey there!
I saw in an earlier post here a mention of Rainbow Playgroups and how it was geared toward older kids rather than new mums and bubs. Just thought i'd mention this isn't necessarily the case, we attend the South East Rainbow playgroup and there are kids of all ages, quite a few <2, including our 4 month old. The playgroup is a nice bunch of people and so many beautiful babies and children, with activities organised every fortnight.
Cheers, Kaz

[Sally2]

Thanks Kaz! Sounds like fun.
I'm sure when squishy is actually born ( it feels like forever away, but it's only five and a half months, OMG ) we will start hooking up with people in rainbow groups.

[FPmum2b]

We have gone with a known donor and self-insemination after going through Qld Fertility Group a few years ago. Found only male Dr's would see lesbian couples which was ok and the nursing staff were very helpful and supportive, but they would not let you use their donor sperm. We already had a donor but the mandatory counseling caused a few issues as they were extremely moralistic towards our donor who does not want to be a daddy. He eventually said he was happy to be a donor, but not through the clinic.

Cut to several years later, we gave is four shots and the last one stuck. Most excited.

We also saw the SBS doco and were a little freaked out. We already knew from the fertility clinic that contracts are not legal in Australia but hadn't really considered the emotions involved on all sides. We were really clear about the difference between a daddy and a donor but found many men were not. After the clinic experience we looked for other potential donors but couldn't find anyone else with the same intentions and wishes. So glad when things worked out with the original donor.

I am totally new to this forum thing, so bear with me.

f

[Sally2]

First things first,
Congratulation on your pregnancy!! Woo Hoo

Happy it is working out for you and your partner with a known donor who sounds clear about his intentions. Nothing in 'babyland' is completely foolproof, so you do the best you can with what you know at the time. I say, go with your instincts ! It put us off a lot of guys in the early days, so that's why we went anonymous from a clinic.

Are you ( or partner, not sure who is pregnant ) having morning sickness and all those other fun early pregnancy symptoms yet? Sal T is still sick as a dog and we are 15 weeks in

Welcome to bellybelly! Look forward to getting to know you on all the forums

[FPmum2b]

I am not the tummy mummy, but my partner nanc has been through the ringer. mostly past the throwing up at all times of the day stage but still constant nausea. She has had the crappy complexion and is moving out of that now. We have also finally moved beyond the so ridiculously sensitive to smells that i am not allowed to cook at home stage. Yay!

So we are really just in the settling down and waiting till week 14 to feel safe stage. She was so sick at one point with stabbing ovary pain, the Dr thought the pregnancy may be ectopic, but bub looks good, she just has a corpus luteum (not good on the spelling by memory) cyst. Hence my very early scan image in the ticker. It was actually quite exciting as the heart beat was visible.

I do, however, seem to be in sympathy with everything already. I guess it is sometimes forced in terms of food prep and the like as I am working from home right now and my partner is studying so we are together a lot.

We are really keen to do gay and lesbian parenting group kind of things down the track and also to ask others of experiences with negotiating queries such as father's name on birth cert, etc. Given that we have been successful during self-insemination rather than through the clinic as originally planned, we have to work this out. Maybe there is a forum for that. but if anyone has advice, please bring it on...

So lovely to find this site. I look forward to chatting to you more.
freya

[Sally2]

Welcome to Freya, Nance & Sage!
It sounds like you will be like me Freya, not the tummy mummy, so have the time/don't feel sick when looking at a moving computer screen to make lots of posts! I have been totally addicted to this site ever since we found it.
I love your baby's early ultrasound, we had one at 6 weeks ( IVF, they scan, poke & prod you at every opportunity ) and got to see a little heart beat too! It's mind blowing to compare it to a 12 week scan, when the tic tac with a heart beat becomes a baby with arms, legs, fingers & toes as well.
Only two weeks until you get to see Sage again! Why Sage? Is that your chosen name or your nickname while in tummy?

There are some great websites around with lots of practical advice for parenting agreements, donor agreements etc. There is a thread I put up here a while ago which is for a Victorian website but connects to heaps of other sites, including the website for Talking Turkey, which basically gives you a donor agreement form which you can then modify for your needs.
If you put the donors name on the birth certificate, then you will need him to sign off on things like
Passports and if you, as non bio Mum, want to apply for a parenting agreement, the court will insist on notifying him and getting him to either testify that he doesn't want to parent or providing some sort of documentation to say that he doesn't want to be an active parent.
The officials in officialdom at Births, Deaths & Marriages don't like you to say you don't know who the father is, they can apparently make your life very unpleasant if you try and do that, but a lot of couples have asked to have the father on record with B, D & M but leave the space blank on the birth certificate.
Apparently if they have a legalish document which the donor signs, they are happy to do that and it makes it easier with Centrelink/Family payments etc to establish the donor as not being an active father. It's all about establishing intent as well with the donor by having a 'paperwork trail' of agreements etc to show that he is not going to be responsible for the child and shouldn't have to pay child support. ( Apparently they will chase him for that if his name is on the birth certificate and you apply for any sort of benefits from the Government )
There are some great lawyers around who specialise in this sort of thing, so head to some gay & lesbian websites, as some gay friendly law firms advertise specifically for this. They can answer any sort of legal questions you guys have.
Good luck, hope I haven't confused you too much!!

[FPmum2b]

Ta Sally2,

We actually do have an agreement with the donor from several years ago - a couple actually, all with same intent, a couple of different details. The problem is really that the Qld Fertility Group people told us all legal donor agreements are not legally valid and this has made us concerned about the best way to NOT have his name on the birth cert.

We and he don't want it there, just unsure about whether to say unknown or donor. Especially in terms of future family payments, etc.

Do you have more info on non-tummy mummy co-parenting legalities? I didn't think we had any legal rights in Oz?

I hope I have made myself clear - this stuff can get a little confusing - but I am appreciating your advice very much.

ta, freya