Any suggestions???

[FPmum2b]

We have gone with a known donor and self-insemination after going through Qld Fertility Group a few years ago. Found only male Dr's would see lesbian couples which was ok and the nursing staff were very helpful and supportive, but they would not let you use their donor sperm. We already had a donor but the mandatory counseling caused a few issues as they were extremely moralistic towards our donor who does not want to be a daddy. He eventually said he was happy to be a donor, but not through the clinic.

Cut to several years later, we gave is four shots and the last one stuck. Most excited.

We also saw the SBS doco and were a little freaked out. We already knew from the fertility clinic that contracts are not legal in Australia but hadn't really considered the emotions involved on all sides. We were really clear about the difference between a daddy and a donor but found many men were not. After the clinic experience we looked for other potential donors but couldn't find anyone else with the same intentions and wishes. So glad when things worked out with the original donor.

I am totally new to this forum thing, so bear with me.

f

[Sally2]

First things first,
Congratulation on your pregnancy!! Woo Hoo

Happy it is working out for you and your partner with a known donor who sounds clear about his intentions. Nothing in 'babyland' is completely foolproof, so you do the best you can with what you know at the time. I say, go with your instincts ! It put us off a lot of guys in the early days, so that's why we went anonymous from a clinic.

Are you ( or partner, not sure who is pregnant ) having morning sickness and all those other fun early pregnancy symptoms yet? Sal T is still sick as a dog and we are 15 weeks in

Welcome to bellybelly! Look forward to getting to know you on all the forums

[FPmum2b]

I am not the tummy mummy, but my partner nanc has been through the ringer. mostly past the throwing up at all times of the day stage but still constant nausea. She has had the crappy complexion and is moving out of that now. We have also finally moved beyond the so ridiculously sensitive to smells that i am not allowed to cook at home stage. Yay!

So we are really just in the settling down and waiting till week 14 to feel safe stage. She was so sick at one point with stabbing ovary pain, the Dr thought the pregnancy may be ectopic, but bub looks good, she just has a corpus luteum (not good on the spelling by memory) cyst. Hence my very early scan image in the ticker. It was actually quite exciting as the heart beat was visible.

I do, however, seem to be in sympathy with everything already. I guess it is sometimes forced in terms of food prep and the like as I am working from home right now and my partner is studying so we are together a lot.

We are really keen to do gay and lesbian parenting group kind of things down the track and also to ask others of experiences with negotiating queries such as father's name on birth cert, etc. Given that we have been successful during self-insemination rather than through the clinic as originally planned, we have to work this out. Maybe there is a forum for that. but if anyone has advice, please bring it on...

So lovely to find this site. I look forward to chatting to you more.
freya

[Sally2]

Welcome to Freya, Nance & Sage!
It sounds like you will be like me Freya, not the tummy mummy, so have the time/don't feel sick when looking at a moving computer screen to make lots of posts! I have been totally addicted to this site ever since we found it.
I love your baby's early ultrasound, we had one at 6 weeks ( IVF, they scan, poke & prod you at every opportunity ) and got to see a little heart beat too! It's mind blowing to compare it to a 12 week scan, when the tic tac with a heart beat becomes a baby with arms, legs, fingers & toes as well.
Only two weeks until you get to see Sage again! Why Sage? Is that your chosen name or your nickname while in tummy?

There are some great websites around with lots of practical advice for parenting agreements, donor agreements etc. There is a thread I put up here a while ago which is for a Victorian website but connects to heaps of other sites, including the website for Talking Turkey, which basically gives you a donor agreement form which you can then modify for your needs.
If you put the donors name on the birth certificate, then you will need him to sign off on things like
Passports and if you, as non bio Mum, want to apply for a parenting agreement, the court will insist on notifying him and getting him to either testify that he doesn't want to parent or providing some sort of documentation to say that he doesn't want to be an active parent.
The officials in officialdom at Births, Deaths & Marriages don't like you to say you don't know who the father is, they can apparently make your life very unpleasant if you try and do that, but a lot of couples have asked to have the father on record with B, D & M but leave the space blank on the birth certificate.
Apparently if they have a legalish document which the donor signs, they are happy to do that and it makes it easier with Centrelink/Family payments etc to establish the donor as not being an active father. It's all about establishing intent as well with the donor by having a 'paperwork trail' of agreements etc to show that he is not going to be responsible for the child and shouldn't have to pay child support. ( Apparently they will chase him for that if his name is on the birth certificate and you apply for any sort of benefits from the Government )
There are some great lawyers around who specialise in this sort of thing, so head to some gay & lesbian websites, as some gay friendly law firms advertise specifically for this. They can answer any sort of legal questions you guys have.
Good luck, hope I haven't confused you too much!!

[FPmum2b]

Ta Sally2,

We actually do have an agreement with the donor from several years ago - a couple actually, all with same intent, a couple of different details. The problem is really that the Qld Fertility Group people told us all legal donor agreements are not legally valid and this has made us concerned about the best way to NOT have his name on the birth cert.

We and he don't want it there, just unsure about whether to say unknown or donor. Especially in terms of future family payments, etc.

Do you have more info on non-tummy mummy co-parenting legalities? I didn't think we had any legal rights in Oz?

I hope I have made myself clear - this stuff can get a little confusing - but I am appreciating your advice very much.

ta, freya

[Sally2]

A parenting order can be obtained by anyone 'Having interest in the welfare of a child' ie you, their non-bio Mum! It can be sought by you, your parents, the father or anyone else with an interest in raising the child and it's now usually done without you guys having to go into court. A good family lawyer can walk you through it, it's much more common than you might expect and not usually that expensive unless the father intends to go to court to fight you guys over custody ( sounds like that shouldn't be a problem though! )
It gives you the same legal rights as a biological parent ie you can organise a passport for the child, pick them up from school, authorise anything to do with school such as camps and agree/disagree to medical treatments. Without this stupid piece of paper, you can't legally do any of that stuff, so it's a really important thing to have!
Also definitely do a will with a lawyer specifying that, in the event of your death(s) who the child will live with, have access to etc. Without a will naming you as guardian, if your partner died, her parents, siblings or the bio father have more 'rights' to the child than you do. Scary, huh?

What the guys at the Family Planning have told you is right - a donor agreement is not legally binding, even if drawn up by a lawyer. BUT is shows what you wanted to achieve and that you have always been intended to be the second parent without a father involved. All this counts in a court if it came to that, but the judges rule on the best interests of the child, which is why it's such a minefield of different outcomes and it doesn't always end up the way you want. It sounds like your donor seems pretty sure about what and why he is doing this though and you guys have certainly done some soul searching about what works for you over all this time.

If you lie on the birth certificate and say you don't know who the father is, you could, theoretically at least, be prosecuted for giving false information on a legal document. I would really recommend not putting yourselves in such a vulnerable position. If you can give the info to births, deaths & marriages but keep it off the birth certificate itself, that 'should' be enough to satisfy Centrelink that there is no 'father' in the picture to chase for child support but keeps you guys out of trouble. Again, a family lawyer can give you concrete info about all of that.

With the new law changes coming in sometime next year ( cross your fingers and sign any petitions you can get your hands on ) you will be able to be named on the childs birth certificate as the second parent. Yay! This should be federal law and apparently if you already have a parenting order in place it will be much easier to get onto the birth certificate. We are all hanging out for that wonderful day!

Oh my God, I hope I haven't made your eyes glaze over with all this information!!! We have been researching this for AGES so have an absolute plethera of info about all of this. If you can find a gay friendly lawyer in your area though, they can help you understand all of this a lot better than I can.
Any other questions, just ask and I will do my best to answer from our experiences.

[FPmum2b]

Thanks Sally,

We are going to look into the parenting order and name listing further. We are onto the will thing though.

Has anyone been a part of any gay/lesbian parenting groups in Brisbane yet? Is there anything? I am sure there is, just wondered about any exciting experiences.

f