Donor ettiquette

[Lindley]

We're just at the start of the process; we were looking into adoption for a while (Adelaide girl, but in the UK) but we decided not to proceed with assessment due to a whole load of stuff. I've just gone off the pill and started charting my cycle, and we are looking for a donor online.

I'm just terrified. I don't know what the ettiquette is, or how to proceed. Hotels every month? That would kill us for expenses... Our house, his? Another neutral place? (Where?) Where does he go to do the deed? Do we say thanks and chuck him out straight away?

I get really anxious when I don't know what to expect, and neither my wife nor I know any other lesbians around here, let alone ones who have had biokids. Experiences or advice very gratefully received.

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i'm not totally sure caue i havent been there.. but do you actually need to DTD? isnt there a way to deposit the 'goods' via an implement of some sort? wouldnt having to DTD with someone put extra strain on your current relationship?

whoops i think i read your post wrong, i thought you mean where do 'we' go to do the deed not where does 'he'. sorry!

[Indadhanu]

We used an unknown at a clinic, so this is not from personal experience, but more from what others have done...

Most people do it at home, their home. And the donor comes over, maybe for dinner or something, and then he can go into the bathroom or where ever you've agreed on, and do his deed, and then he gives it to you, goes home and leaves you both to it.
(Possible TMI ahead...)
I think your home works best as it obvious gets fairly intimate. Because its only vaginal insemination and not an IUI like at a clinic, its recommended that you get aroused as the bodies natural lubrication is good to help the swimmers get to where they need to be, and an orgasm helps the cervix dip down into the semen and again get the swimmers to where they need to be.

Sorry to be so graphic LOL! But yeah, people like to do that at home because then they don't have to move afterwards. No idea if that actually helps, but a lot of people prefer it.

[Indadhanu]

i'm not totally sure caue i havent been there.. but do you actually need to DTD? isnt there a way to deposit the 'goods' via an implement of some sort? wouldnt having to DTD with someone put extra strain on your current relationship?

Hollo, I think they mean him doing his deed Not acutally "doing the deed" with him

[2CheekyMonkeys]

snap.. i just edited my original post and then saw your one at the end. hehe silly me!

[miskilla]

We chose a known donor who we found online on a proper sperm donor site. We had two fave donors picked but the first attempt was done with donor 1, at our house. We flew him from interstate and he stayed at our house, we all got on great so it was very chilled, he was a really cool guy. The 2nd attempt, we flew to Darwin for a week as he couldn't get off work. Both attempts were artificial insemination and both failed. Darwin was really expensive to fly to all the time so we decided to go with our 2nd fave donor who lived in Melb, much much cheaper to fly to from Adelaide if it was gonna take awhile to conceive!!
Melb donor is really high up in manager position, works almost everyday and very busy schedule, so we flew there and stayed in a hotel. He would come to the hotel, we would leave and let him do his thing then we'd go back in and do our thing! We would always go out for lunch or coffee with him before the deed though. 3rd attempt failed again, I kept stuffing up the timing by like a day!!
4th attempt, I had decided to start checking my cervix that month and it was the best thing I ever did, it really helped in determining ovulation. We also used a speculum when inseminating this time around & we FINALLY got preggers! I had been taking my temp religiously every morning all these months and using the ovulation predictor tests off ebay (pee sticks).
Just be sure to make sure the donor has medical checks/ sperm count check etc before going through with it Good luck!

[mums2be]

Hi there my partner and I used a known donor, we did things differently to how people have previously replied, we met up first to discuss our wants and needs regarding the baby contact or no contact etc etc but for the actual deed, it really depends on what sort of relationship you want with the donor and what works for you all. We literally stopped out the front of his house he passed it to my partner and we left we live close to him just remember the quicker you inseminate it the better good luck

[Lindley]

I just want to say thank you for all the advice and experiences - and sorry for vanishing so long! It's been a bit of a stressful time - we had two donors vanish on us, one who hadn't discussed it with his wife first and one who just vanished without a word during email contact. And so many enquiries to local donors on a match site who just never even took the time and courtesy to repsond and say "no thanks". I was on the point of heartbroken despair.

We think we've finally found a donor who will stick around, just missed meeting up with him next cycle - he lives in London and it's a bit of a trek, but we'll do anything! Transport and hotels, even in London, is *still* cheaper than the insane cost of Danish sperm. Very scared and nervous, and so afraid this donor will evaporate, too! We keep wondering what on earth we were saying wrong.

[caztea]

Hey Lindley,

Don't worry about what you were saying wrong...I'm sure you didn't say anything wrong!

You have to remember that if the person bails before you go through with insemenation - then they've done you a favour by bailing early. Although it's hard and painful, you want to make sure you have a good match between both parties.

It is better to be open and honest and risk saying something that might turn a donor off - than trying to say the right things and ending up with someone whose not on the same page as you.

Goodluck - I'm at the same stage, looking for the right donor. It's a tough one, but maybe the most important step.

Caz