Should the child know who the father is?

[Lulu]

I don't think you are overthinking this. I think you need to give it alot more thought.

You need to make it very clear what you do and don't want. It might not even be 'fair' to ask him to donate for a baby but have nothing to do with it. However he may be happy with it this way. Make it clear. Get it in writing or legalised in some way.
If the only reason you don't want him to be in the childs life is in case 'he takes the child away' you need to stop and get a bit real. No one can take the child away from you (unless it's docs and you do something terrible). You don't own a child in any case, they need as many people around them that love them that is humanly possible.

However if he takes the role of god parent so to speak you may well find he might want a bigger role. I imagine it might be hard to see a child growing, knowing that it has half your DNA and even looks like you - and be expected to take a back seat.

And even if he did want a bigger part in the childs life - why would that be so bad?

I think you need to be very careful what your own motives are here, and if you are even being realistic.

[melkyls]

hi
we also used a friend as our sperm donor, my advice is make sure you are very detailed in what you both want out of it and both sign a stat dec stating this. Although it isnt a totally deal breaker if it ever went to court it would go in your favour, as he cant actually give his parental rights to a female Our donor at first agreed with everything we said he didnt want to be a dad, wanted to be uncle figure, no child support, (we didnt want any of that either) we also said he had no input into any parenting decisions which he happily agreed with. when our daughter was born he came to visit began to tell us he told all his friends he was called daddy wanted to take her to meet his family on holidays what she should and shouldnt be eating drinking ect after alot of tongue biting we held our breaths and thought what have we done!!! when alone we spoke about the best way to approach this after he left, we decided maybe it was an ego thing and began to keep note of any gifts he gave her, the amount of times he rang, and if he actually asked about her so if it became ugly and we needed proof that his input has only been of a donor. needless to say we dont have much written down yet and our little girl is one and a half!! We totally understand that it was easy at the start to say yes you dont want anything when the little person isnt actually here and of course when he saw her and knew she was part of him it would be hard for anyone to walk away. She will know that he is her biological father and if she wants to call him Dad it will be because she wants to do it not because anyone has prompted her to do it. We are started to try for another baby with the same donor and now that everyone know where they stand fingers crossed it will be all smooth sailing!!! good luck

[curiousaussie]

As gay male with a son I have a perpective on this:

Firstly everyone needs to speak very openly and candidly about what the intentions are, not just what you think the other person WANTS to hear but what you genuinely believe. I personally dont believe it is healthy for a child to be denied the information of who their biological Father is...it doesnt mean he would be the childs Dad or parent. My partner and I have a beautiful 17 month old son via the help of an amazing Traditional Surrogate. Our son will always know that she is his mother...he will not call her Mum but by her first name...but at least he knows who his biological mother is. I hope not to be too controversial here but as a male I sometimes think females under estimate the attachement that males have to their children and somtimes can tend to think of a donor as simply that...a donor as a means to an end (ie to have a baby). i wonder how some ladies would feel if I said that our surrogate has given birth to our son and now we do not want her to have any contact etc because we are worried that she will want custody. I just wanted to put another perpective on this...from the view point of a male.

Each and every situation is different and what is right for some is not for others.

[levi78]

wow glad you offered your opinion "curiousaussie" because it is very rare indeed that we as "lesbians" hear the other side - well done.

if i may offer my opinion;

I have always thought about things from my son's point of view and not from my own from the outset. My son has a known donor and im glad he does - it is important for a child to know who is a biological link to that child and it is important for that child to be able to have access to that relationship if that is mutally agreed or even possible. of course when it is not - the discussion can not be had.

My son at 3.5 years understands who his dad is, and that he has a mum - and significant other's in his life. My ex-partner who i conceived my son with is of course his parent in our opinion however for some reason my son doesn't identify her as Mum and instead refers to her by her first name as well as my current partner whom he currently lives with. in his world he has a mum and a dad as all the other kids at daycare. he just doesn't live with his dad.

the donor does not have a significant decision making power in his life, does not visit regularly or send cards or presents on birthdays or christmas - but is happy to be as involved as is needed when it is needed.

my son identifies the donor as "x my dad" - i haven't corrected this, i haven't encouraged this, i haven't opposed this - simply because i feel it is his right to identify the people in his life as he sees fit and to not be prescribed into thinking who are more important and those who aren't. or that in fact he has a mother that is a lesbian and therefore a dad is out of the question. my sexual preferences are not my son's and i don't want him defined by this.

the donor i used has donated to others - i know from speaking to him that he feels a link with all offspring however for some reason or another he has a stronger relationship with some and not others -perhaps due to the insecurities of others or early mistakes made. im glad i chose a known donor - as my partner's 6 year old (anon donor through a clinic) quite eloquently put it "i know i don't have a dad (my son's name) but can we call x dad too - because we wish we had a dad too".

in my opinion too often we (as a group) make assumptions based on what we think is right - i don't think that this is one area where we have that right. the right belongs to the child, and whilst we as parents bring that child into the world to protect and care for - we can not discount that half of that child's DNA as irrelivant based on our own insecurities.

[curiousaussie]

Hi Levi78

I couldnt agree with you more

Thanks for explaining my thoughts alot better in words than I did

[Indadhanu]

We used an unknown donor, so obviously I disagree with most of the above comments.

All I have to say is that the agreement MUST be mutual. You just CANNOT lead a man along to think he is going to be a father and then decide you don't want him in the child's life as a father.
In our case, we used an unknown donor who had willing donated sperm knowing that he will not have access or acknowledgement as a 'father' to any child that is created of his sperm. We don't know him. Never met him. Don't know his name. He doesn't know us, never met us etc. That was fine as this is what we wanted, and obviously what wh wanted or he wouldn't have become an unknown donor.

So if he wants to be a part of this child's life, you either have to accept that, or use an unknown donor. It's just not fair if he donates on the understanding that he is going to be a father, and you change the deal and decide he is nothing more than a sperm donor, or 'godfather'. In fact, in that scenario, I'd expect him to take you to court for access or custody.

[Traveller]

I think as long as you are honest with all parties and with the child then things will work out. If the donor is unknown, telling the child "I don't know who it is" is telling them the complete truth, which is all our children generally want from us.

Knowing the father and not telling the child is a lie of omission and if the truth ever comes out then I could foresee mother/child relationship problems occurring.

As another poster said, the father's opinion is so important in this too. He may be willing to be a donor, but does he realise that he will have no place in the child's life? Would be still be prepared to be the donor? These details must be straightened out before conception to avoid problems down the track IMHO.

Best of luck with it all

T
xx