Hi Trish,
great idea this thread. Suspect my DH may have some AS traits. Am going to be watching this thread to see what I can learn and participate where I can. Can you point me in the direction of what you have been reading that has helped you understand?
Hi Anney, thanks for joining me! I have found a fantastic blog called Life With Aspergers that has been so helpful. The guy who writes it explains things so well and I find reading the comments in his blog posts equally as helpful. It would be very helpful for a wife who is trying to understand her DH. I will PM the link to you if you like? I have also found useful information thanks to Google, also various links I've read that people have shared on FB, I should have bookmarked them so I could share them!
If anyone has some good resources, please share
Tash - You don't need to ask, of course you can read along, and please feel free to join in! Even if it's not AS you are dealing with (or maybe it is?), we might all be able to help each other work out how we tick
I'm here! Watching tv with dh, so I can't stop. Tried to get some books from the library but there were none there, will go to a different one tomorrow. Hopefully Sibbie will come in, if not I can pm you a link Anney.
My DH hasn't been diagnosed with AS, but DD's ASD psych has said that he so has it but that because he's successful in his career and personal relationships a diagnosis would be counter productive. I'm an introvert (bet you wouldn't have guessed that) and therefore find social gatherings draining on my emotional tank rather than invigorating, this means we get on well because while I can play the social game, I'm not always forcing him into it and I'm happy for us to keep to ourselves most of the time. Because he can't read cues he has a tendency to go about a topic long after people have lost interest, and we have invented our own form of sign language, so if he sees me looking at him and rubbing behind my ear he knows he has to shut up. We generally don't have any issues between ourselves, at least any more. The rules of engagement we set up first year of marriage and years of practice have helped a lot, but we have been having some AS related issues lately regarding tone. DH is very monotone but also speaks very fast, but sometimes the best way to cut through to my ASD DD is to change the modulation of our voices and speed of our instructions, which is something he finds very hard to do. He's always complaining that she doesn't listen to him, but then his little mini me (they are SOOO alike in many ways) can't hear him when he speaks his normal way. It's a point of frustration at the moment.
I've said it before but I'll say it again (mainly coz I've gotta spread the love) - Yeddi, you're AWESOME. I just told DH about your sign language, and he got all sheepish and said 'I kinda do that, don't I?' Hehe, he so does that. So we're gonna work out a language of our own.
I'd be interested in some examples of your 'rules of engagement' as well. I was going to sit down with him and we'd write out what we want from our relationship, and how our partner can help us achieve it, but I think your rules will be easier to get across. Worth a shot anyway, especially if it's worked for you.
This is exactly the kind of chat I'd imagined, not sure about Trish though
ETA - Ohh, I feel like crying I'm reading through this PDF on the website - so many things Professor does are here! So many things I thought he didn't care about, he didn't pay attention to, he couldn't give a wet slap...they're all here, and I'm not crazy!
I'm gonna try and convince him to come into this thread and post from his perspective
Last edited by Bumperstump Cummerbund; April 11th, 2011 at 10:49 PM.
1. Those on the spectrum notice EVERYTHING. For instance, my husband can smell a pooey nappy from the next room, when I can't smell it despite having a good nose when only a metre away. They just see the world differently. It's what makes him a fabulous process auditor. He has described he way he thinks now as thinking in parallels, where he thinks like himself but can flick the switch by inverting his thought patterns in order to get others. It's something he has learnt to do after years of practice but it wasn't easy for him. But here is the crux of his way of thinking that makes it so difficult for other people to get him and for him to get them. When we used to look at the same problem I, from a non-AS POV would normally come up with one or two solutions, he on the other hand comes up with 25+ solutions - each valid in their own way, each with their own weaknesses. Having so many options, he would pick which one he thought was the best to focus on, which was usually the opposite of what everyone else would have generally picked, and because it was so different and not the most obvious to everyone else it often led to confusion. So in order to not get confused or need to deal with a huge amount of information that he seemed to see, he would simply switch off. Lucky I'm kinky and find different a turn on, so I've always appreciated the seemingly left field ideas/comments, although I did use to get upset by their delivery but once he learnt his way wasn't the only way either it was much better. Anyway, building confidence by encouraging different without implying it's wrong is really important, which is easier said than done.
and there I was, thinking the rest of the world was the one with the problem, cos they couldn't cope with my brilliance...
Suddenly my school years make a lot more sense. I know I have the tendency to use my vast knowledge and intellect to 'lord' it over people, and find it difficult to accept that I may not be right. Because of that, I feel like I generate resentment in others, especially my peers, and so the bullying, and the social isolation I received in return seem almost appropriate.
Believe me, i have done a ton of thinking on this over the last 15 years. As i have gotten older, i have learned to accept that there are things that i don't know, or that others know better than i do. this makes me more willing to listen, but i am finding through this discussion, and through the things Keike is reading to me, that there are a lot more issues i have still to work on.
I have read a lot on Aspergers and I have many of the traits, it makes a lot of sense to me and explains a lot of the feelings I had growing up.
I have always been very awkward socially...not knowing how to act, if I am saying the right thing. Ihave always felt very out of place.
Even at school I had trouble making friends and felt I never fitted in....I was extremely shy and still am.
I avoid many social situations because it leaves me exhausted and doubting myself.
I was forever disappearing into my own world as a child. It was something that did not go unnoticed by my teachers and is on many a report card.
I was kept down in year one because of my lack of social skills...but then skipped year three and caught up to my peers on an educational level.
I very often get caught up in things that I am doing and I put my all into it. If I pull apart a computer I will not rest until I get it all put back together and working.
I am intelligent and am articulate but have a very hard time communicating through writing...my brain works far to fast for my hands and I miss words or write the wrong words and I feel I come across the wrong way.
Some post can take me a long time to write because I have to write and re-write many times.
I am an oddball
I am not sure if I have aspergers but I just know that reading the traits makes me feel like I 'fit in' some where. That there may be a reason I am like I am.
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I'm reading through this PDF on the website - so many things Professor does are here! So many things I thought he didn't care about, he didn't pay attention to, he couldn't give a wet slap...they're all here, and I'm not crazy!
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