Can I bag out other sites??

[visitor1]

Looks as if im the only one that thinks the advice that is given on other sites IS helpful.

I guess at the end of the day we do what is right for us personally. We all parent differently to each other.

If i hadnt done as advised who knows what my girls would be like now...so i thank sites and advice given by CHN and hospital staff highly.

Also just to add.....the sites are there for advice...its up to people to choose whether they take it or not....so i think putting them down isnt the best thing to do. All have different opinions.

[Trillian]

Kimbaz, that's just it - you can take it or leave it if you read something that you don't necessarily agree with, but it's just that there are so many like minded people here on this site who subscribe to a different way of parenting to what is on this particular site, thats all - there is no right of wrong way to do it. No one was making any reference to what anyone else does, or chooses to take from these sites, and if you do find something that is beneficial to you, then you would be silly not to use it.

[LimeSlice]

I have no problem with the difference of opinions and options, I do take issue with such well known and"trusted" companies proclaiming THE way to do things, without offering alternatives, etc... As I feel that whilst there are women out there who will "just leave" if they dont agree with it, mny wont. Expecially younger parents. There are too many out there that will raise issues with it and get told "yes this is the way to do it."
It just seems to me that it needs to be a two-way street in terms of communication and advocacy between the two "styles" of parntenting.
IYKWIM. lol.

[visitor1]

Ok..i agree some parents...dont just put young parents in one category....any age parents might see the advice and think 'Yep thats what i have to do'. But i dont just take the first advice given and think thats the end. i still go and ask for other advice...try it, if it doesnt work go searching again til i find what works best.

Theres so many different views on every aspect of raising kids these days. As Trillian said...there is no right or wrong way. But it comes across that we must all do the same thing with our kids.

Must have eye contact
Must not let our kids cry for more then 10 seconds
Must give solids 6 months
Must BF (so it seems to me)
Must hold our babies
Must do this and that....

Dont FF
Dont let you baby cry
Dont give you child solids until 6 months cos thats what WHO says
Dont turn your baby seat before 8kg/6 month

[Trillian]

When I say that there is no right or wrong way to do it, I don't mean that to let a child cry itself to sleep is OK (and I mean really cry, not just protest cries), if that's the parenting ideal you subscribe to (*you* being the generic), because if you do, you aren't addressing the needs of the child by doing it, so sometimes there is a wrong way kwim? And a lot of what you've listed Kimbaz is actually recommended on the back of some strong evidence to suggest that this is the way to do things - again, not necessarily the right way, but an alternative way if you need it.

[Willow]

is actually recommended on the back of some strong evidence to suggest that this is the way to do things

I would be interested to know how many have actually read this research??

[Trillian]

You mean the site administrators Willow? Or the mums?

[Snacks]

Theres so many different views on every aspect of raising kids these days. As Trillian said...there is no right or wrong way. But it comes across that we must all do the same thing with our kids.

Must have eye contact
Must not let our kids cry for more then 10 seconds
Must give solids 6 months
Must BF (so it seems to me)
Must hold our babies
Must do this and that....

Dont FF
Dont let you baby cry
Dont give you child solids until 6 months cos thats what WHO says
Dont turn your baby seat before 8kg/6 month

I think the "must" in this bothers me. These are recommendations. And they are founded in research, and in 'preventative' measures. Kim, I'm sorry that you feel your parenting choices are under attack.
I do agree with the above statements as the ideal, though. And I'd be pretty confident that they are well founded recommendations, and based on much research. (Particularly on food and the car seat. Sleep is a little more subjective.)
Even so, what bothers me, as others have mentioned, about the things mentioned on that website is that it could very well cause people to doubt themselves. I think advice is great if it is presented as such. "Advice" like , 'Holding is for feeding, the floor is for play and the cot is for sleep' may lead people to believe that they are doing the wrong thing by cuddling their baby while playing, or cuddling to sleep. New parents are so vulnerable, particularly mothers who are having to deal with hormonal changes as well. They need to be told to follow their instincts. And if they ASK for advice, then they should be offered suggestions and not instructions, IMO.

[paradise lost]

I had known for a long time before i had children that small babies were very stimulated by eye contact. It's part of the initial bonding process when they are born, those few hours after birth when they are very alert and will gaze into your eyes, learn to recognise your voice, your scent, your face etc. For us this is a lovely time too, but think of how intense and alert it felt, many many women who had even quite hard births talk of staying up all night looking at their newborn. That's similar to the baby's experience but it doesn't wear off so fast as it does for us. They get kind of sleepy with just a few brief snatches of this alertness each day for the next few weeks while they do some growing, but for those early weeks eye contact IS very stimulating for them. Some babies find it so intense (i've seen videos of this) they cannot break eye contact once it's made. I've seen a video of a loving mother gazing into the eyes of a 3 week old baby as she cuddles him until he is crying and crying because it is so full-on and he is so tired by it.

I understand what people are saying about it seeming callous or unkind, but this is not about NEVER giving your child eye-contact, it's about allowing them the peace to settle when they're tired. Looking into the eyes of an over-stimulated, exhausted newborn is like playing loud music to them except worse because they can ignore loud music but their mother's expressions and responses are SO important to them that they cannot "risk" going to sleep then - it's a biolgical drive. If you look at any other mammals the offspring know they're safe and secure when mum is close by but NOT looking at them - the looks communicate and the most important communication in the early days is danger, thus everything is run through the danger filter before being analysed further by the newborn's brain.

When my DD was little and needed to sleep i didn't give her eye contact. I cuddled her into the wrap and went about my day as if she wasn't there. Safe in the knowledge that i was close and that nothing important enough for me to tell her about it with a look into her eyes, she fell asleep peacefully. She has always been a good sleeper, i still communicate to her with my bodylanguage and by giving or not giving eye contact. Whose mother didn't give them "the look" when they were in trouble? Eye contact says ALOT more than just "i love you" and a newborn has not learned the language yet. It makes sense that continuous eye contact is too much for them.

What is appropriate for adults isn't always appropriate for newborns and littlies. The most calming colours for adults to be surrounded by are green and blue. For newborns the most soothing colour is red, because that is what their brain has seen (light onto belly when in the womb). They have done studies where childcare rooms painted red actually have calmer kids but most don't do it because PARENTS think it looks too intense and won't send their kids there.

It is not going to harm a child not having eye contact during the night. It is not the same as never giving them eye contact.

[sushee]

I don't think anyone thinks eye-contact means intently staring in your child's eyes as you're trying to put them to sleep, though by some accounts this works too. But it felt unnatural to me to not look at my baby when he was young, and for the most part, he didn't focus on me when he was truly tiny. But I did not avoid eye contact, and I can't say that he ever seemed over stimulated by me when I attended to him at nights, even when he eventually got to an age where he was looking back into my face. The connection between us felt bonding, and not disruptive, and I don't accept that my loving gaze was the same as loud music to him.

TBH I'd never even heard of avoiding eye contact until recently, so of course it would not have been something I would have naturally done, even with my older kids. I admit, Charlie was a frequent waker, but putting him back to sleep was never a problem, even with me looking at him all doe eyed. That's what felt right to me, and worked for me too. I don't think I could have not looked at him - the one thing I loved about those night feeds was that it gave me the chance to hold him close and look at him. I believe this was part of our bonding process, and promoted secure attachment. I think avoiding eye contact, even at night, is something I would not feel comfortable about, and I tend to parent in a way that is instinctive for me. As for Charlie, he now self settles and is a great sleeper too, so I'm pretty happy all round.

[maz]

i have tears *****ling my eyes reading everyones posts.

ren hon, I am with you. If I didnt look into my darling mateauz eyes when he needed me to, I would have felt like I was taking away the strength he needed to fight the horrible infections in his body and he probably wouldnt be here now. I would never have forgiven myself for taking away those moments with my precious baby. they are moments of uncondition love between a mum and child that can never be replaced. They are bonding moments for both.

When my little man cries I not only look into his eyes, I cuddle him as close as I can and tell him that I love him until he settles, bb in mouth and all!

What really sadens me the most...my mum tell's me that when he cries to leave him cause ' its good for his lungs as its helping them to develop properly...hmmmmm NO COMMENT!!!!

[Lulu]

I just think everyone in this thread is RIGHT, even though some opinions are at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

I had a bubba who was overwhelmed from birth. The extreme type of "unsettled" baby, I don't think he stopped screaming and wriggling until about 4 months. We learn to pick up on our babies crying, hungry, tired etc, but there is another and it's "stop the world I want to get off" one.

The response needed for this cry was - no eye contact, no singing, no rocking, no noise. It took a VERY long time for me to recognise that. All the rocking and patting was doing his head in. In the end I had to sit next to his cot, facing away and have my hand on his back. My natural instinct was different, almost going against my grain, but this is what he needed from me.

My other children were different, needed soothing and singing etc -and they were both a hell of a lot easier, even if it meant having to wear them all day. DS hated the sling, too much movement!

We know all children are different, we know they need individual attention, different strokes for different folks.
I just want to make it clear I don't advocate the "controlled" techniques, my first rule of parenting has always been "If the baby cries, pick it up", and my next one is "listen to your baby and listen to yourself. If we were taught that FIRST, we'd all feel alot better.