Just because someone says that they will smack their child doesn't mean that they will do it or even have any intention on following through.
I also admit to sometimes saying to DD "if you keep on doing that I will smack you". I don't smack or have any intention of smacking her, but this is the way that I communicate to her that what she is doing is making me really angry and she needs to stop doing it now (as opposed to something that is not so serious). We usually then talk about the reasons for what she is doing and why she needs to stop. So the "threat" of smacking is not actually that, but more of a code for "this is serious", but unless you live with us and know the way we operate and the words we use on a daily basis, it would be hard to tell. I'm probably not describing it very well...
Smacking worked for us, I would give them a warning (not a threat) and 9 out of 10 times they didn't get a smack anyway. I used smacking as a form of discipline, not violence, there is a huge difference.
I don't use threats to get a required outcome. I have consequences that are appropriate for the child. If there is an issue with behaviour it is very rarely incident based. It is pattern based and it usually extends from a certain boundary that they don't either understand or adhere to. And every situation be it large or small has a consequence. Not because I'm trying to punish and hurt my child. Not because I want or expect immediate changes in behaviour. Because it is a tool to teach. And sometimes the consequences aren't "Time out" or confiscation of toys/TV/Technology. Generally the consequence is best suited to the situation at hand so that he is learning something. Threatening a child with anything be it time out or any other punishment isn't going to fix the behaviour or help them understand what they are doing is not ok, or better yet that they have the tools to choose something else that will have a better outcome.
For example DS is going through really selfish phase. Last night we had a really big talk about it, and even though it's something I've been trying to teach him through other methods we've come up with a way for him to practice. Now this is a consequence. I had a moment where I lost the plot over something trivial he had done, and I yelled. Something I wasn't proud of. So we sat down and had a chat. Now he has a new task to help him practice selflessness. Every day he is going to do something selfless to show me that he is practicing. And also to show him how good it feels to practice being nice, sharing, being thoughtful to others.
I believe every little bit of challenging behaviour is an opportunity for us to teach our children something different. And teaching them that just because I said so doesn't work. It isn't giving them the life skills they need as adults. And that is our job. To teach children to be good humans. Isn't it? It's not about our inconvenience, or what others think. It's about setting them up for success. And whether it's objecting to bedtime, bopping a sibling with a toy, or screaming. They are all behavioural traits that can be unlearned and it's up to us to do that. Instead of dealing with the moment, look at the big picture. I'm not going to say I don't lose the plot, or I don't find things frustrating. I do, and I yell and I get upset. But I put that in check when I can and dig deeper and try work backwards. And it works. I've never had to threaten a smack. If you ask my DS what a smack is he'll look at you blankly. Yet they are good kids. Most kids are, they are just learning. And sometimes it takes them a little longer to get it. And what are they getting? Sharing - Respect for others, Tantrums - Dealing with emotions, Constantly wanting everything now - Self awareness, and the awareness of others, as well as patience. These are the lessons that we teach. Not just because I said so. But WHY. WHY do I have to do this? And TBH this is a very fair question.
I can't speak from parenting experience, I haven't been there yet. I definitely do NOT condone any smacking for very young children (under 3 or 4?). However have not ruled it out for reasons explained by doubletrouble, crazycatlady and starfish. I do not judge people who smack their kids. We are all learning, there is no big book. I do think there is a massive difference between a smack on the hand when the kid is about to put a stick in a toaster, and beating a child or using instruments.
From a child's perspective who was smacked (rarely, mind you), I was not scared of my parents. I didn't quiver with fear or anything, I just knew I'd messed up and was in biiig trouble!! The moments of discipline that have stuck with me are the words, knowing I had really disappointed and upset my parents. I felt so guilty and still do as an adult. I feel like my parents did a good job really, and I think I'll parent my children in the same style.
I hear what you ladies are saying, but I wont ever give understanding when I hear someone use smacking as a threat or warning. I have kids and they get naughty and do things that they should not and get close to doing dangerous things but I have never had to use a smack threat or warning to show them or stop them. I have once sort of hit DD1 hand but it was more of a grab but in a hard way when she reached for something hot. I still think of that and how bad I felt.
To me hitting is violence, it is a form of violence, whether it is a tap or it is a full on blows it is still violence. I know there are kids that have it so bad and I ache at the thought but that does not mean that a child getting a smack or even threatened is more exceptable to me. Like I said it just makes me cringe.
My main point was that I needed to get my thoughts out and that is why I posted in the Gentle parenting section, so that people that gentle parent can help me. Like with my friend I did not need to have reasons defended to me. I have heard them and read them on here before.
PZ. Thank you. We think the same.
Rouge, Yes, yes yes to your post is the best I can say. It is all just YES to me. I sat here nodding my silly head the whole way through I probably looked like a bobble head.
Last edited by Kazzo; September 13th, 2012 at 12:15 PM.
: responding to Rouge.
I sympathise Kazzo, I feel very much the same as you do when it comes to smacking but I am lucky that I very rarely come across people in my life who condone smacking as a form of discipline.
I don't want to smack my kids, even though I was smacked as a child and I don't necessarily feel it did me any great harm. I just feel that I can come up with other ways to parent that don't involve getting physical. I like to be able to say to my kids, "please don't hit your sister, hitting is not appropriate behaviour, we don't smack/hit in this house" when they hit each other as I believe in teaching by example.
Like you, I have heard a lot of the reasons people feel that smacking is justified and I am not going to get into a debate about it here as this is the gentle parenting section. I just want to say to you Kazzo, I hear you, it is hard when you are against the crowd in parenting. However, I really feel strongly about revisiting our thoughts and assumptions when it comes to parenting, constantly rechecking we are on the right path. If you feel right about what you are doing, that is very important. Ultimately, you are answerable to your children and yourself.
I'm with you Kazzo. I'm the first of my generation to have kids in my family so there haven't been little kids around for a while and EVERYONE before me has smacked. Apparently 'it's the only way'. At least I don't have any friends who do it so I'm not faced with that. I do wonder what my friends will be like as parents when they have kids and how that will change our relationship. I expect that, like you, I will find it difficult if they hit their kids.
I don't smack, and I don't threaten to. I try not to threaten with any punishment at all (although I fail at this a lot). I just don't think punishment teaches the right thing. And physical violence from anyone is just not on in my house, whether you call it smacking, hitting, or 'discipline'.
My big cringe comes when the girls are going crazy in the background and i am on the phone to my mum and she tells me: "to just give 'em a smack...that'll sort them out"
Makes me feel sick to my gut.
I can count on one hand the times that i have smacked DD1 and each and every moment is one that i regret (even when one of them was a potential life-risk moment..she ran on the road and out of shock i dragged her back and smacked her...it was so inappopriate of me and made her scared of me rather than the actual danger of running onto the road).
I am so thankful that i managed to find a gentle parenting approach. it has transformed our family and it has been i reckon, a learning experience for me and for DH, we had to unlearn so many of the parenting principles that we were brought up with just so we could achieve the family harmony that we wanted and needed. it is constant work for us though as some of those patterns are so ingrained...like the threat for example (threat of getting angry, threat of going home etc). I hate threats and I can just see the insecurity in DD1s eyes when it does happen. It is so much more beneficial for us to explain things out (ie why her behaviour is driving me bonkers and how it is making us feel etc. she has responded in amazing ways and it gets easier and easier with time).
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