Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Somehow I got this from the HM=HB thread Only because someone mentioned parents who give their toddlers Coca Cola though I've decided to put this here because I worry that it would start arguements anywhere else; hopefully we're all in a gentle frame of mind as we respond!

I've noticed that I judge other parents more since I've moved to a lower socioeconomic area. I see parents walking around with cartons of jim beam and coke, parents swearing at their children, and (worst of all in my book) parents with children trailing behind them barefoot, which is ridiculous because there's always glass everywhere. It's very easy for me to judge but at the same time, my close friend does a lot of things that I consider to be quite . . . well, selfish and harmful to her baby. She smokes inside the house with her tot next to her, she has gotten drunk when he's been in her care, and she currently has a person with an extensive criminal record (including child sexual abuse) living with her (because of this recent development, I haven't seen her in a while). She knows that these things are wrong (actually I'm not sure what she thinks about her bf) but she does it anyway, I'm not sure why though. She says that it's difficult for her to smoke outside and leave bubs inside but he's walking, she could just take him out the backyard and let him run around. It's not ideal certainly but it's better than the alternative.

So my point is, do you judge other peoples' parenting? How do you handle it when friends/family do things you completely disagree with?

[HotI]

, and she currently has a person with an extensive criminal record (including child sexual abuse) living with her (because of this recent development, I haven't seen her in a while). She knows that these things are wrong (actually I'm not sure what she thinks about her bf) but she does it anyway, I'm not sure why though.

This is of great concern, more so than smoking in front of your kids or walking around barefoot. Do you think your friend would be taking steps to ensure the kids safety (like never leaving him alone with the kids)? I would be alerting the authorities over this.

[inlove]

Hi,
I am going through a difficult patch with one of my friends at atm, i don't know if she is aware of how i feel but i am finding myself really angry with her chosen parenting style. I know that the feelings i am having are wrong and i would never ever say anything but my issue is how do i continue the friendship. I am wondering what you have done to deal with how you feel and whether you think you can continue the friendship. My friend believes strongly in strict routines and practices controlled crying etc whereas we co-sleep and pretty much attachment parent. She is pregnant with her second child just like us and i just don't know if i can watch her do the same to the next baby considering the effects i have seen it have on her first. So i don't know what to do atm i am just keeping my distance a bit waiting to see how i feel etc after bubs is born.
What are you thinking of doing long term with your friend?

[sneakysparkle]

Im going to keep this answer short.
Yes I do judge, but Im not proud of it. I guess its more an issue with people who I think should "know better" iykwim?
I try to keep my mouth shut with friends/family, unless they want my input.

[paradise lost]

It depends.

I think CCing and smacking, while not at ALL the way i want to parent, and probably not good for either the baby or the parent-baby bond, are not in the same league as smoking with a babe in arms (medically proven to be harmful) or harbouring a paedophile (not even going to list what's wrong with that one!).

I have friends who CC and who would say to me when DD was small and crying and i was tired and BFing her, "You should let her cry it out, she NEEDS to learn!" and i HATED it, so i don't say "Maybe you should pick him up, at 4 days old he's NOT being a manipulative criminal but you might turn him into one if you ignore him!" even if it's what i'm thinking...

I judge everyone and everything internally (don't we all? I don't mean judge-and-find-wanting, i just mean assess against my own methods, feelings and standards), but i don't take myself too seriously, iykwim. Like i am so careful not to smack, and try to be gentle and don't shout and so on and so forth and i would never give DD coke or excessive candy or whathaveyou, but equally i know that the gulf between being a gentle parent and a criminally abusive or neglectful one is SO SO WIDE and there is plenty of room for pretty much every other parent i know in it.

Bx

[Celsie]

"Maybe you should pick him up, at 4 days old he's NOT being a manipulative criminal but you might turn him into one if you ignore him!"

Oh... I'm so going to remeber this comment the next time I get into a "discussion" about CC. Brilliant!

I agree with everyone else about the sex offender living with your friend and her child. You really must report this, for the sake of this little one. If this child's mother won't protect him, then who will?

And yes, I do judge other parents. I think it's a natural reaction when we see something that just isn't right. I tend to keep my opinions to myself... mostly, or will vent to DH or a very close friend if something really gets under my skin. I confess however, on occasion I have mentioned quite loudly to my 19 month old son how it's completely illegal and not to mention disgusting, when I see parents smoking in cars with their kids. I get dirty looks, but do I really care?

[SophieRose]

Everybody judges other parents. Everyone.
The thing is, we're humans, and we all like to do things our way. And then we see people doing things differently than us, or things we don't think are the right way of doing things, and we judge. Without thinking of the fact that the person your judging probably would have something to say about what your doing too.

I judge the mothers in the shopping centre screaming at their kids, and ripping them by the arms towards them and smacking the crap out of them, right there in the middle of target.
Only cause i think it could of been dealt with in a less of a "COME HERE YOU LITTLE UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN!!!" fashion. (although my brother has a tendancy to make me think he's the antichrist at times. ahh little 4yr old boys)

Don't feel to bad about judging, it's natural. As long as your not doing it 24/7.

[Floweryfields]

Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.

And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?

[Kazmar]

Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.

And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?

Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat . With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary

[sunshine_sieben]

Do I judge. Unfortunatly yes, I do, sometimes.

I have lots of friends who do things very differently to my way ,like CC, not even attempting to BF because they feel that FF is "more convenient", feeding their toddlers a diet of mainly chicken nuggets and chips, giving their 2 year olds only diet products (no fat milk, yoghurt, processed cheese) give them softdrink from 1 year onwards (albeit the "sugar-free" versions), teach their kids to make insulting comments about others (regarding their weight or state of boldness - a friend of ours actually told his kids not to touch my DH cause they might catch "baldy germs"),.....
Do I think they're bad parents? NO. A bad parent to me is somebody who does things that intentionally harm a child. I do think they don't have the "right" information. I believe that they are doing their best based on the knowledge they have. I do believe that if they had the information that I have and approached it with and open mind, they would do things differently. Of course this attitude is extremely patronising and I'm not proud of it.

Do they judge me? Of course they do. I'm too soft with my child and I spoilt her by co-sleeping and feeding her to sleep. In their mind I don't have a sense of humour cause I don't find it cute when the kids scream "Eeeew, baldy germs" at my DH. They probably think that I'm doing the wrong thing by occasionally giving my child a treat with real sugar in it (I would never give them sweetener). They cringed because DD had cow's milk, honey and even peanut butter in ver small amounts before she was 1. They thought I was depriving her of something cause I never gave her Farex and exclusively BF for 6 months, then kept doing it til she self-weaned at 19 months.

The bottom line is, although I do feel that what I am doing is the right thing for my child and me, I have to accept their approach, too. They are the parents, they get to make the decisions. I reserve the right to do things my way, so I have to let them have that freedom, too.

I would never judge somebody I don't know for little things like that. If I see a mother taking her toddler to Macca's, this might only be an occasional thing or they might do that every day. i don't know that. If I see something that I would disagree with, I don't know what lead to this happening. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt.

BUT, when I see a parent shaking their baby, or something like that, then I do judge. Although I do understand how frustrated we can become, especially when we're sleep deprived, this is completely unacceptable.

To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here. I used to admire a family member's child who was so well behaved. Now, I feel sorry for her, sometimes. She is never allowed to be a kid. My toddler runs around giggling and squealing with joy, while her 2 1/2 year old sits at the table and waits for the adults to finish their dinner before she is allowed to leave her chair (and I'm talking 3 courses, but only close family).
I try to remind myself that we are just different and so, our kids will be raised differently, too. This approach doesn't fit in with me or my daughter, but my approach wouldn't fit with her and her daughter.

Sorry, for the ramble. And thanks for bringing up this topic. It made me have a long hard look at my attitude towards other parents.

Saša

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat . With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary

This reminds me of someone I know. I know a girl who lifts her son out of his pram by pulling him out by his arm - one arm. I also strongly suspect she abuses him physically (she claimed a black eye was caused by a fall but I don't believe it) but that's a different issue altogether. The thing that annoys me the most is people shake their heads and say "Oh, those young mothers" and I'm a year younger than her

To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here.

Indeed. I was certain that co-sleeping was dangerous and wrong before I had DD. Now I strongly believe in it for health, safety and sanity reasons!

I think it's an important point that some mistakes are out of ignorance and some are just careless. For example, I will confess here in front of all of you that I gave DD honey on her dummy when she had colic a couple of times. I knew the sugar wasn't good for her teeth but I was told that it didn't matter as the teeth hadn't actually broken the gum yet. I didn't know that it can contain harmful bacteria. Once I found out that my initial opinion was correct and it is harmful, I stopped doing it or letting anyone else do it. Luckily it was only a couple of times. I wonder if that's the case with parents who give their kids sugar-free soft-drink. We know that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer, perhaps they don't?

I've noticed that my parenting gets judged actually. I was out with DD and she had been tantruming all day, it took us hours to get somewhere that should've taken 15 minutes. She had thrown herself on the pavement screaming and crying and I was telling her to stop and lifting her up to her feet. I've been told I have the patience of a saint and I was trying to be firm with her, I certainly wasn't cross. A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles! As DD has gotten older I've really started to understand just how bad it feels to be judged. On the other hand, I've seen things that have absolutely shocked me. I saw a little girl (maybe 4 years old) running in fear away from her mother who was screaming swearwords, abuse, names and threats at her. It was just awful. I've seen a mother push her son by his head onto the floor of a supermarket. I'd like to say there is a big line between parenting choices and abuse, but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

[aussienic]

yes unfortunatly I do.. I rarely say anything to them.. Might have a whine to DH later though..

I am sure people disagree with my parenting style

ie the barefoot thing.. I used to judge on that till I had a child that simply refused shoes. It was hard no matter how hard we tried. In the end we decided not to fight him anymore and he soon got the idea and wear shoes.. but in saying that we didn't let him walk where it was not safe

On your friend I would be ringing someone about this guy living there.. I thought once you had been charged with something to do with kids you weren't allowed near them? Which means he is breaking the law..

[Astrid]

I find that I judge more when I am being judged. If another parent is not being nice about my parenting, then I will tend to find fault in them. I have to admit early on I was quite judgemental, but as my parenting time has increased I have become more understanding of different parenting and as such tend to judge less, or maybe it is more that I am better at not letting things affect me. Also now I tend to keep any judgemental thoughts to myself, well most of the time, I can be nasty when I am in the mood.

I will admit something shallow, I will be more judgemental of someone's parenting if I just plain don't like them for some reason

[Visitor8]

well it depends. If it is something I disagree with because it's not what I would do but it isn't going to cause the child immediate danger (like cocacola to kids for example) I say nothing. It's not my place. I might in conversation say how my kids aren't allowed to have it. I just got back from a week with my bestie and she lets her 2.5 year old have coke and I did tell her that its the worst one because it's caffiene, but I left it at that.
If it is something that is endangering the child like playing on the road (yes it happens in my street), not holding hands to cross the road (my sister and her 2 year old), running around the car when someone is getting ready to leave (my friends house) or leaving bubs in cars then I say it and give reasons WHY it shouldn't be done and in most cases I take action (getting the child and holding their hand, removing them from the road or calling the authorities when last week I saw a lady leave her bub in the car while she went running into the shop, I was on the phone to the police, they came within 5 minutes and they smashed her window and removed the child)

So I think it really depends on what the parenting is

[nic]

This is quite interesting, thanks for starting the thread Neenee
I'll admit that I do judge, like so many other people do.. and I know that at the moment I am being judged when friends ask how DS's sleeping habits are this week and then tell me that I should drive 1000k's away to a CC sleep school.
But all that aside, I wonder..how many of us judge and say something about it or judge from afar saying nothing?
I have a family member, who both DH and I judge their parenting, but we keep coming back to "they provide a clean, healthy environment" for their kids so maybe we shouldn't judge? Then I have one of their kids over here calling our neighbours kids swear words (think of one beginning with B and a four letter C word- kid you not on that one! And what did they do? I can tell you they didn't march their little one over to apologise or chat to them about how bad it was to use those type of words... how can I not judge that??

[Glamourcide]

Yes, I am a judgmental a**hole. That being said, unless a child is in danger I don't comment unless I'm asked - just do the disapproval thing behind their backs where it's not going to hurt anybody's feelings (ONLY to my DH or my mum though, I'm not the kind of person who goes around gossiping about others - I know DH and mum would never spread it around and have it come back to bite me). I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure there are plenty of people watching what I do and thinking, 'Gaah, can you *believe* that woman?' so I guess I'm just a believer in 'live and let live'. We all have different means and methods, I personally think I know what is best for my family and I (that being said, I am constantly researching, asking questions and advice and educating myself on new and better ways to make sure everybody in my house is happy and healthy, it's not like I just say, 'This is how I'm gonna do it and to hell with what anybody else thinks'), so I'm open to advice and others' experience, but at the end of the day my choices are my own and so are everybody else's.
I have a friend who has a little boy around the same age as DD, and honestly there are times when I want to just wring her neck when I see how she is with her DS... but if I ever say anything, it's worded in such a way that she would see it as a suggestion or advice from another person's perspective, rather than 'OMG you suck as a mother and you should do things this way'. Obviously it's nothing serious, her parenting choices don't impact on me and her son is happy, safe and relatively healthy so I keep my nose out of her business.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Like others, when I do I keep it to myself and DP.
I have friends who had kids after me and wanted to know what my inspirations were cos they want to do things the way I do with DS. That means that it's obvious I'm doing something 'different'. This also means that the friends who have babies who then succumb to the baby training and non-tactile parenting are determined not to want to do it, and it's not because I haven't spoken up about it. In other words, there are some people who have already made up their minds and there isn't much you can do - like people who insist that formula is as good as breastfeeding, when that is factually incorrect, and they know you're still BFing. There's just no point bringing it up. Same with attachment parenting - I just 'do' and 'show' rather than advise, unless asked. I also will talk about attachment parenting concepts and practices in conversation, as if they're a normal part of life (in a 'well, you know, of course' sort of tone, so that it doesn't look like I'm emabarrassed to bring it up!), so that if they decide to take any of it up, they will know that at least one other friend does it, too!
As for an abuser living in the house, an anonymous tip off is the order of the day here. There's a small child in that house. Also the smoking in the house - there HAS to be some kind of wellbeing issue there! I think the both are serious issues.
There are times I've stepped in for the wellbeing of a child, over the wellbeing of the friendship and come off worse for it once. Father has some pride issues (or something) and I've been outcast ever since - the child was about to be totally demoralised and punished for something that had already been dealt with before the dad came home, on top of the way the child had been treated a month or two earlier on a weekend away with us all, and on various camping trips. I'd had enough and the child's mother is a doormat with these things - my DP knows that if he steps over the line, I'll have to break ranks with him and side with DS because DS's emotional safety comes first for me.
Also, I had read articles and chapters in books about standing up for children when their parents are eroding them (great chapter in The Natural Child, available in libraries and through ABA's Mothers Direct). That influenced me in this specific case where I made my call. Kids are not chattels, and some parents believe they are and will take exception to implied criticism of their 'disciplinarian' ways.
Anyway, in other respects, as sad as it is to know of a child who is parenting using books called Save Our Sleep and Contented Little Baby, there isn't much we can do except be shining beacons of example. Particularly when you know, through experience and contrasting with non-gentle examples, that gentle parenting achieves the more satisfying relationship in terms of long-term objectives for parent and child (who will one day be an adult - often forgotten!!).
It's your call about the bf and smoking, and I know that's one aspect I wouldn't budge from - I'd be vocal about the smoking and proactive about the bf. Your gut feeling is yelling at you!

[krysalyss]

I definitely 'judge' although disgree with the negative associations that brings. After all we learn a lot from other parents and I am always assessing if what someone does fits with what we do and is something I can take on board. As for negative judging there are some things that really get my goat, especially if I think the children really are negatively impacted by that. If I can find a way to say something in a way that isn't hurtful then I will, especially if the parent seems open to it. For example a friend of mine was ignoring her child who was a having a tantrum in public. The boy was obviously really tired and the mum pretty embarrassed. She mentioned to me that she has been told to ignore the bad and praise the good. I told her I didn't really mind what others thought but always cuddled if they were upset. She went straight over to comfort her son because that is obviously what she instinctively felt she should do but thought I would judge her. So open dialogue is so important because we all need to support each other. If I saw someone giving a toddler some coke I probably wouldnt really notice even though DS rarely has sweet drinks (we save the sugar for the ice-cream - LOL) and it wouldnt be something I am likely to mention unless the mum says her kid has behavioural problems and then I would say something like "I have heard that the caffeine in coke....." in a non-confronting way.
On the other hand there are the situations where I would feel like I have to say something. I think your situation is one of those. Living with a known paedophile?!?! That has to be followed up because unlike cutting your foot on glass that will affect the child for the rest of their life and will scar them in so many ways. I agree that it has to surely be illegal. Unfortunately smoking around kids isnt illegal yet.

Not sure if this would have helped. Hopefully. I think you are in such a difficult decision. Personally I would just call someone about the paedophile thing first. You aren't going to get through to her if she hasn't figured that one out for herself.