Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[inlove]

Hi,
I am going through a difficult patch with one of my friends at atm, i don't know if she is aware of how i feel but i am finding myself really angry with her chosen parenting style. I know that the feelings i am having are wrong and i would never ever say anything but my issue is how do i continue the friendship. I am wondering what you have done to deal with how you feel and whether you think you can continue the friendship. My friend believes strongly in strict routines and practices controlled crying etc whereas we co-sleep and pretty much attachment parent. She is pregnant with her second child just like us and i just don't know if i can watch her do the same to the next baby considering the effects i have seen it have on her first. So i don't know what to do atm i am just keeping my distance a bit waiting to see how i feel etc after bubs is born.
What are you thinking of doing long term with your friend?

[sneakysparkle]

Im going to keep this answer short.
Yes I do judge, but Im not proud of it. I guess its more an issue with people who I think should "know better" iykwim?
I try to keep my mouth shut with friends/family, unless they want my input.

[paradise lost]

It depends.

I think CCing and smacking, while not at ALL the way i want to parent, and probably not good for either the baby or the parent-baby bond, are not in the same league as smoking with a babe in arms (medically proven to be harmful) or harbouring a paedophile (not even going to list what's wrong with that one!).

I have friends who CC and who would say to me when DD was small and crying and i was tired and BFing her, "You should let her cry it out, she NEEDS to learn!" and i HATED it, so i don't say "Maybe you should pick him up, at 4 days old he's NOT being a manipulative criminal but you might turn him into one if you ignore him!" even if it's what i'm thinking...

I judge everyone and everything internally (don't we all? I don't mean judge-and-find-wanting, i just mean assess against my own methods, feelings and standards), but i don't take myself too seriously, iykwim. Like i am so careful not to smack, and try to be gentle and don't shout and so on and so forth and i would never give DD coke or excessive candy or whathaveyou, but equally i know that the gulf between being a gentle parent and a criminally abusive or neglectful one is SO SO WIDE and there is plenty of room for pretty much every other parent i know in it.

Bx

[Celsie]

"Maybe you should pick him up, at 4 days old he's NOT being a manipulative criminal but you might turn him into one if you ignore him!"

Oh... I'm so going to remeber this comment the next time I get into a "discussion" about CC. Brilliant!

I agree with everyone else about the sex offender living with your friend and her child. You really must report this, for the sake of this little one. If this child's mother won't protect him, then who will?

And yes, I do judge other parents. I think it's a natural reaction when we see something that just isn't right. I tend to keep my opinions to myself... mostly, or will vent to DH or a very close friend if something really gets under my skin. I confess however, on occasion I have mentioned quite loudly to my 19 month old son how it's completely illegal and not to mention disgusting, when I see parents smoking in cars with their kids. I get dirty looks, but do I really care?

[SophieRose]

Everybody judges other parents. Everyone.
The thing is, we're humans, and we all like to do things our way. And then we see people doing things differently than us, or things we don't think are the right way of doing things, and we judge. Without thinking of the fact that the person your judging probably would have something to say about what your doing too.

I judge the mothers in the shopping centre screaming at their kids, and ripping them by the arms towards them and smacking the crap out of them, right there in the middle of target.
Only cause i think it could of been dealt with in a less of a "COME HERE YOU LITTLE UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN!!!" fashion. (although my brother has a tendancy to make me think he's the antichrist at times. ahh little 4yr old boys)

Don't feel to bad about judging, it's natural. As long as your not doing it 24/7.

[Floweryfields]

Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.

And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?

[Kazmar]

Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.

And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?

Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat . With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary

[sunshine_sieben]

Do I judge. Unfortunatly yes, I do, sometimes.

I have lots of friends who do things very differently to my way ,like CC, not even attempting to BF because they feel that FF is "more convenient", feeding their toddlers a diet of mainly chicken nuggets and chips, giving their 2 year olds only diet products (no fat milk, yoghurt, processed cheese) give them softdrink from 1 year onwards (albeit the "sugar-free" versions), teach their kids to make insulting comments about others (regarding their weight or state of boldness - a friend of ours actually told his kids not to touch my DH cause they might catch "baldy germs"),.....
Do I think they're bad parents? NO. A bad parent to me is somebody who does things that intentionally harm a child. I do think they don't have the "right" information. I believe that they are doing their best based on the knowledge they have. I do believe that if they had the information that I have and approached it with and open mind, they would do things differently. Of course this attitude is extremely patronising and I'm not proud of it.

Do they judge me? Of course they do. I'm too soft with my child and I spoilt her by co-sleeping and feeding her to sleep. In their mind I don't have a sense of humour cause I don't find it cute when the kids scream "Eeeew, baldy germs" at my DH. They probably think that I'm doing the wrong thing by occasionally giving my child a treat with real sugar in it (I would never give them sweetener). They cringed because DD had cow's milk, honey and even peanut butter in ver small amounts before she was 1. They thought I was depriving her of something cause I never gave her Farex and exclusively BF for 6 months, then kept doing it til she self-weaned at 19 months.

The bottom line is, although I do feel that what I am doing is the right thing for my child and me, I have to accept their approach, too. They are the parents, they get to make the decisions. I reserve the right to do things my way, so I have to let them have that freedom, too.

I would never judge somebody I don't know for little things like that. If I see a mother taking her toddler to Macca's, this might only be an occasional thing or they might do that every day. i don't know that. If I see something that I would disagree with, I don't know what lead to this happening. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt.

BUT, when I see a parent shaking their baby, or something like that, then I do judge. Although I do understand how frustrated we can become, especially when we're sleep deprived, this is completely unacceptable.

To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here. I used to admire a family member's child who was so well behaved. Now, I feel sorry for her, sometimes. She is never allowed to be a kid. My toddler runs around giggling and squealing with joy, while her 2 1/2 year old sits at the table and waits for the adults to finish their dinner before she is allowed to leave her chair (and I'm talking 3 courses, but only close family).
I try to remind myself that we are just different and so, our kids will be raised differently, too. This approach doesn't fit in with me or my daughter, but my approach wouldn't fit with her and her daughter.

Sorry, for the ramble. And thanks for bringing up this topic. It made me have a long hard look at my attitude towards other parents.

Saša

[LimeSlice]

I do judge.
And I am proud of it!

I expect and know that I am judged by others, and so it should be. We are all used as measuring sticks for each others parenting in some way shape or form. This is what I believe keeps on an even kiel. It is what allows us to try new things, and experience others points of view.

Just because one make or forms a judgement does not mean that it cannot be changed through understanding and perspective.
I find that my personal views are at odds with many people I know, and this in turn impacts the way they raise their children, obviously. So I think it only logical that I would form an opinion and judgement on how those views influence their children. After all, these are the people that I will eventually live in the world with and run the country when I am old. iykwim.
How they are raised, the values they are instilled with, their education levels, etc are therefore important as they will have a direct impact on my life and the lives of my children in the future. How society guides its moral compass is going to be a direct result of how the next generation are raised. I expect that I shall be judged and I welcome that judgement. It enables me to change my views or practices, or not, and gives me the different perspective from how I was raised myself.

Hmm. That sounds a bit messy doesnt it! lol
Anyway, I think that judgement is crucial to how the next generation are raised. Some parents are not given education they should have been (YES!! A judgement!! lol) and some ignore it. These people need to hear different opinions, views and practices in order to fill the void between how they are and how they should be caring for children.
There are obviously times and places to voice ones judgements or criticisms, but I do believe that there is nothing wrong with being judgemental of others parenting skills. And I welcome people to openly judge mine. I would be worried if people tried to tell me that I was perfect and required no thought on any aspect of my parenting - there are obviously many ways of doing things, and I am always open to any suggestions on how I could parent better.
Parents should be open to all and any comments on their parenting as far as I am concerned. (Just because someone has a different way of doing something, there is nothing that says after careful consideration, you cannot ignore them anyway.)


Hope that made sense...lol it is getting late!

[sunshine_sieben]

Mmmmm, Lime Slice , I see what you are saying. But I think we're still having a different view on things.
DD got sun burnt a couple of months ago. I felt horribly guilty. It was obvioulsy not something I let happen on purpose. I didn't need people asking me: "How could you let her get burnt. Don't you know how dangerous it is..." And people did say it. Some even added: "Well, I hope you feel guilty".
Or when I decided to continue BFing past 6 months of age, I didn't need people telling me all the time that it is creepy for a toddler to BF or that they think I'm not doing the right thing nutritionally for her. Or when they told me to CC because they "think" it's the right thing to do.
I guess if somebody wants to judge me, they should do so based on facts that they know about me (not making assumptions) and they should be able to back up their opinion with research. But, at the same time, they should be open to the reasoning for my actions, too. I find that the people who are the most judgemental are usually the least receptive for a different point of view, even if it based on solid research. And often they are also the people that have no experience of their own about raising children. Like my MIL (she became DH's stepmum when he was 10) who has never had young children of her own.
I do get very sick of having to justify myself to others. I do the things I do because I have done my research and I have added some common thought to it and I believe it is the best way to go. It is my business.

Saša

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat . With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary

This reminds me of someone I know. I know a girl who lifts her son out of his pram by pulling him out by his arm - one arm. I also strongly suspect she abuses him physically (she claimed a black eye was caused by a fall but I don't believe it) but that's a different issue altogether. The thing that annoys me the most is people shake their heads and say "Oh, those young mothers" and I'm a year younger than her

To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here.

Indeed. I was certain that co-sleeping was dangerous and wrong before I had DD. Now I strongly believe in it for health, safety and sanity reasons!

I think it's an important point that some mistakes are out of ignorance and some are just careless. For example, I will confess here in front of all of you that I gave DD honey on her dummy when she had colic a couple of times. I knew the sugar wasn't good for her teeth but I was told that it didn't matter as the teeth hadn't actually broken the gum yet. I didn't know that it can contain harmful bacteria. Once I found out that my initial opinion was correct and it is harmful, I stopped doing it or letting anyone else do it. Luckily it was only a couple of times. I wonder if that's the case with parents who give their kids sugar-free soft-drink. We know that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer, perhaps they don't?

I've noticed that my parenting gets judged actually. I was out with DD and she had been tantruming all day, it took us hours to get somewhere that should've taken 15 minutes. She had thrown herself on the pavement screaming and crying and I was telling her to stop and lifting her up to her feet. I've been told I have the patience of a saint and I was trying to be firm with her, I certainly wasn't cross. A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles! As DD has gotten older I've really started to understand just how bad it feels to be judged. On the other hand, I've seen things that have absolutely shocked me. I saw a little girl (maybe 4 years old) running in fear away from her mother who was screaming swearwords, abuse, names and threats at her. It was just awful. I've seen a mother push her son by his head onto the floor of a supermarket. I'd like to say there is a big line between parenting choices and abuse, but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

[Glamourcide]

... A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles!

Probably a combination of '*tsk tsk* Those young mothers...' (I get it a lot too, what, I'm automatically a terrible mother because I got married and had a baby at 21 rather than wasting another decade 'living my life' or 'finding myself'? Pfffffft.), and 'Just flog the little tyrant, you're obviously one of those namby-pambies who doesn't believe in disciplining your unruly children'.
Either way, both narrow-minded opinions from women who don't know what they're on about.

but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

What? That law got passed? Smacking is now banned here??

*looks around* well... I'm up the creek then, aren't I? I already try to avoid doing it in public because I don't appreciate busybodies getting into my business, but yeah... uh-oh for me.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I thought it had, perhaps I'm wrong? I tried googling it but I can't find any information.

[Inertia]

What? That law got passed? Smacking is now banned here??

I am not sure where you are, but I know that recently the "No smack" law was defeated in QLD, and NSW has acceptable smacking specified.

It must not:
* Be above the shoulders
* Cause sustained pain
* Leave a mark
* Be done by anything but an open hand

Onto the subject at hand!

I try not to think of it as 'judging', more like - having an opinion. For example, in my opinion, anyone who would let a know pedophile stay in their home with their child deserves to have that child taken from them until they learn to put that childs needs first. Putting the child first is - in my opinion - an agreement you make with yourself before you get pregnant.

It is also - in my experience - a very bad idea to give babies cola. My XH used to give DD1 coke in her bottle while I was at work because it was easy for him. I ended up leaving him because the health and welfare of our children was not a priority for him and no amount of 'training' changed that. He still gave her coke. He still treated DS like he didnt exist, and he still dumped them with his father at every opportunity. All also in my opinion bad traits. To give you an idea of how important his trophy wife and kids were to him, he was happy to give me full custody with all rights and no interference if we left the state and he got to keep the house, contents and shop we owned. I agreed. The coke had already ruined DDs baby teeth. I was not going to let him ruin any more of their childhood.

IMO, co-sleeping is one of the best methods of giving mum and bub the best and most rest possible. However, IMO, you should not do it if you have been drinking, use recreational drugs or medication that causes drowsiness.

That way its not judging anyone. Its just my opinion. Everyone is free to have a different one. It doesn't automatically make either right or wrong, just different.

[aussienic]

yes unfortunatly I do.. I rarely say anything to them.. Might have a whine to DH later though..

I am sure people disagree with my parenting style

ie the barefoot thing.. I used to judge on that till I had a child that simply refused shoes. It was hard no matter how hard we tried. In the end we decided not to fight him anymore and he soon got the idea and wear shoes.. but in saying that we didn't let him walk where it was not safe

On your friend I would be ringing someone about this guy living there.. I thought once you had been charged with something to do with kids you weren't allowed near them? Which means he is breaking the law..

[Astrid]

I find that I judge more when I am being judged. If another parent is not being nice about my parenting, then I will tend to find fault in them. I have to admit early on I was quite judgemental, but as my parenting time has increased I have become more understanding of different parenting and as such tend to judge less, or maybe it is more that I am better at not letting things affect me. Also now I tend to keep any judgemental thoughts to myself, well most of the time, I can be nasty when I am in the mood.

I will admit something shallow, I will be more judgemental of someone's parenting if I just plain don't like them for some reason

[Visitor8]

well it depends. If it is something I disagree with because it's not what I would do but it isn't going to cause the child immediate danger (like cocacola to kids for example) I say nothing. It's not my place. I might in conversation say how my kids aren't allowed to have it. I just got back from a week with my bestie and she lets her 2.5 year old have coke and I did tell her that its the worst one because it's caffiene, but I left it at that.
If it is something that is endangering the child like playing on the road (yes it happens in my street), not holding hands to cross the road (my sister and her 2 year old), running around the car when someone is getting ready to leave (my friends house) or leaving bubs in cars then I say it and give reasons WHY it shouldn't be done and in most cases I take action (getting the child and holding their hand, removing them from the road or calling the authorities when last week I saw a lady leave her bub in the car while she went running into the shop, I was on the phone to the police, they came within 5 minutes and they smashed her window and removed the child)

So I think it really depends on what the parenting is

[nic]

This is quite interesting, thanks for starting the thread Neenee
I'll admit that I do judge, like so many other people do.. and I know that at the moment I am being judged when friends ask how DS's sleeping habits are this week and then tell me that I should drive 1000k's away to a CC sleep school.
But all that aside, I wonder..how many of us judge and say something about it or judge from afar saying nothing?
I have a family member, who both DH and I judge their parenting, but we keep coming back to "they provide a clean, healthy environment" for their kids so maybe we shouldn't judge? Then I have one of their kids over here calling our neighbours kids swear words (think of one beginning with B and a four letter C word- kid you not on that one! And what did they do? I can tell you they didn't march their little one over to apologise or chat to them about how bad it was to use those type of words... how can I not judge that??