Does happy mum REALLY equal happy baby?

[Willow]

I think that's the answer Liz - you are obvioulsy happy to do what you are doing and have strong beliefs on issues like b'feeding etc. If those things made you miserable, I think that would be a different situation all together.

[Rouge]

I guess I can see both sides to this.

I will give this example as its the only one I have. Breastfeeding. With my first child, I breastfed till 4 weeks then got given ill advice from a paed and was told to put her on formula, for a week. I did when we tried to re-establish breastfeeding it went really bad. I expressed for another 2 months, we tried everything I had LC's and even feeding tubes. In the end she was so distressed at being held in the nursing position that the LC said it was probably best to discontinue. So I expressed till I couldn't anymore and FF. Now I felt "happy baby = happy mum" WRONG! I went through the worst PND imaginable. And she got severe eczema from the formula. With my second child I breastfed, it was bloody hard in the beginning and I realised a lot of what *I* had been doing the first time around was WRONG. Little things, but they do make a difference. I persevered and it was the most rewarding time of my life. I was able to look back in retrospect and see the things I could have done differently and I wish someone had said to me "Just keep trying" instead of "Just give up."

Of course every situation is different, but this is my story.

[Ginger]

Liz, i completely agree with you.
i, also, get really annoyed when i see that statement thrown around all the time. i guess it's because i don't really understand what it actually means.
there's been times throughout this pg where i definiately haven't been a happy mummy- but i kept breastfeeding ds, and keep co-sleeping with ds as i know these things keep him happy. i personally would prefer to have a full night's sleep.
idk, i tend to think more along the lines of happy baby=happy mummy..and i completely agree that using controlled crying to the point where baby is visablly upset and even throwing up (like i've heard some people do) does not, by any means, equal a happy baby.

[Oorki Galoorki]

YES No yes no.....

i have always put my kids needs before mine a majority of the time(how i need new undies but my children are growing so need there stuff first)
i am weaning DD before she is ready but i know i wont be happy once i have weaned, that doesnt make her unhappy..but its something i feel i need to do..

I also feel that if I'm meeting the needs of the baby, the baby is more likely to 'give' me that me-time. I guess it's all just what perspective you take huh.

ilike this thinking but unfortunatley it hasnt worked that way for ME.. which makes it hard when trying to do it the "right way" (yes i do believe in a right way to parenting)

also i think the key really is knowledge if you are constantly trying to learn new ways of dealing with moments that make you an unhappy mum then your most likely going to succeed...
i bf my first for 8 ish months and was determined to make it to the 12 month mark with my second. so i got so much more information(mostly from the wonderful BB) aswell as getting a great support behind me (local ABA). i made it there, im 6 months past that mark and i know we have been successfull. i just cannot handle this stage now but never have i thought cos it will makeme happy(even though i will regret it) it will make DD happy.

also support plays a huge role. my dh knew how important it was 2nd time round to make it past the 12month mark for me so when i was having bad days he helped me he didnt ever say what about formula just to give yourself a break......


sorry im all over the place with my ramblings...

[Liz]

I also feel that if I'm meeting the needs of the baby, the baby is more likely to 'give' me that me-time. I guess it's all just what perspective you take huh.

ilike this thinking but unfortunatley it hasnt worked that way for ME.. which makes it hard when trying to do it the "right way" (yes i do believe in a right way to parenting)

Yeah, well, doesn't really work for me either, but I like to think it will some time! LOL. As I said, I haven't had a good night sleep in nearly 3 years! But both kids have been very content little things (to a degree!) so I feel like my sacrifices are slowly getting rewarded. For instance, my DS now sleeps RIGHT THROUGH the night. I mean.. that is a HUGE thing for me LOL. Shame DD isn't yet! I feel like meeting his needs to feed to sleep for 2 years paid off with me having a boy that doesn't fight going to bed (he might whinge now & then) but he goes to bed and stays there! So hopefully in the long term it all pays off hehe. I won't know myself once DD starts sleeping through. i probably won't be able to sleep!

[onthefly]

I agree Liz. The happy mum thing bothers me a little bit sometimes too. Not because mums shouldn't be happy - I don't think we should all be martyrs or anything like that, but so often it seems to come down to a happy mum OR happy baby choice.... I guess one underlying problem really is the fact that so many parents (and that often means mum, really) are fending for themselves without much support. In the end we all just have to make the best decisions we can in the circumstances we're given.
It is really difficult to function and care for someone without sleep. Wow, three years Liz! I've only been going 9 months... I don't think that should mean I leave my DS to cry it out or switch to formula, though, I think that means his dad and grandparents need to step up to help out where they can (which they do).
I wish we had a government programme for home-helpers to come and support new parents in their homes in those critical first few weeks, and that could come back occasionally for parents desperately needing break time later on. That would be far more constructive than any CIO advice, etc.

[Mumma2three]

The way I read it is if the mum is fulfilled and happy in general, they can deal with a baby better than a mother who is not happy. Like Captain said.
I believe if a mother is not happy they are less patient, have less of a fun spirit and sense of humour, and it takes alot less time to become "over it". On the other hand, if the mothers needs are met, I think everything is easier, easier to have fun with children, far more patience and generally able to deal with the whole parenting situation better (like lack of sleep, isolation at times etc).
I say all this because I KNOW I have been a "less" good mother lately because I myself am not fullfilled. LOVE my kiddies to bits and they are the most important thing in my life.. BUT.. I am beginning to wonder what happened to "me" and this is bringing my spirit down a bit. Im also losing patience with DH alot easier and finding that he isn't helping me AT ALL. THis could be because of my attitude. But it's not just limited to the kids, he is driving me crazy alot faster than he used to!
Same time last year, I was fulfilled. I was running my own business and I felt that FINALLY I was achieving some of my lifelong goals not related to my children. They weren't career related either, they were a bi-product of my business, getting around people, public speaking etc. I can honestly say I was such a good mum! Fun, patient, loving, although tired, I had more energy because I was happier.
So that's my experience. For me it's not to do with co-sleeping, breastfeeding etc. I don't read into it that way. But if co-sleeping is driving a mother insane, then maybe not doing it will mean happy mum=happy baby?
But for me it definitely relates more to Mother with happy/fulfilled/spirit, = happy baby.

[sunshine_sieben]

You do have a good point, Mumma2girls. Thanks for sharing your experience.

It's just that the word fulfillment always irks me. It's not the meaning of the word itself. It's just that it is often used in a context that I dislike. It's those people that ask me: "What, you want to JUST be a SAHM. Are you sure you can be fulfilled that way?" Or an aunty who told me that she regretted being a SAHM while her kids were little because it was boring and unfulfilling.

Well, I see it differently: I find it extremely fulfilling (whatever that means) being there for my child/ren and my family. I couldn't imagine that working for someone else would be more fulfilling TO ME.
Having said that, DH and I do run our own business and I do work there a little still. But tbh, I'd rather step back even further. My mum was a SAHM as well, and she would never do it any other way. So although, we've now left the nest, she is still "fulfilled" because she knows that what she has achieved in her life is the greatest achievement: raising kind, loving and compassionate children (well, I am blowing my own trumpet here a little, sorry).
Sorry, that was so off topic...

Yes, I do think it is important that a mother's needs are met, even if they might not always come first. It is so important to have a support system around you. For help when you need it or just as a shoulder to cry on. If you feel like you are not alone in this, you can get through the hard days and nights. But if you feel isolated and neglected, then it is very difficult to keep perspective. I know I would have lost the plot on a few occasions if it hadn't been for my family and good friends and you ladies here on BB. Thanks!

Saša

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Interesting thread!

"Happy Mum = Happy baby" to me means that both people here have needs and both peoples' needs should be met. It doesn't mean mum puts her wants in front of baby's needs, though.

I know one Mum who is a happy Mum. Her baby "put herself to sleep" from 6w old (CCing), is "happy with strangers" (has no choice as Mum wants a social life) and "plays happily on her own while I bake/paint/scrapbook". That baby isn't happy the Mum goes out on a date with Dad every week, leaving Baby with a stranger. Mum is, but it's Mum's wants over Baby's needs here.

I know a time when I was an unhappy Mum. I needed help and support: I had bad whiplash from a car accident, DS was injured too and wanted to be held all the time, even with a sling it was agony. He could have been held by ANYONE - but MiL wouldn't come round and cuddle DS for me. (Found out recently I wasn't allowed to ask her because DH had and she'd said no!) Ignoring my needs was not helpful. Friends helped, but also had children so couldn't be around as much as, say, a retired grandmother could.

I'm happy when I go out for (decaff) coffee. DS is happy now to see friends and play. Win-win. But there was a time when he wasn't happy to be away from me. I kept him with me; he needed me and I wanted a half-hour to chat without him. Needs trump wants. Sure, it would have been nice to have a whole conversation but that wasn't happening, no big deal.

Whose needs first? Depends on the greatest need.

I've left DS crying in his cot for an extra 30 seconds before I'm by his side: if I hadn't then I'd have wet myself putting him back to sleep! Loo break trumps a half-hour of putting DS back down. Mostly DS's needs come before mine, but not always. I need to cook a dinner and DS wants to play: dinner wins. DS needs to get dressed and I need my BB time... DS wins (usually LOL).

DS was the one to stop co-sleeping, to stop breast-feeding, to start all his "big boy" behaviour (toilet training, sitting to table etc). His needs are being met as are my wants: I wanted him to tell me when to do this, I didn't want to have to push the issue! I missed him when he stopped co-sleeping but his need to be alone outweighted my need to have a body to cuddle!

[Junglemum]

i think the statement is true to a degree. But i look more at it from the perspective of when i am upset or stressed it reall effects my little girl. When i am happy then our days seem much more pleasant. If i am stressed she is difficult to settle, grumpy and clingy.

but for me, resorting to controlled crying to get that sleep, or making a baby drop night feeds at a really young age, to me isn't about having a happy baby at all..

I guess this would be because doing these things wouldn't make you happy. They wouldn't make me happy either. Differnt things are important to us and therefore make us happy. Not using controlled crying is more important to me than my baby sleeping throught the night. So we don't use CC and i believe that makes me feel like a happier mum because i feel i am doing what i think is best for my child. For other people, having their baby sleep though the night is more important and therefore that is what will make them happy.


I think i have used the term before when a member seems to be stressed, upset and at their wits end and wants to try something else. For eg, they want to stop BF and use formula. I am not going to tell them that i think they are doing the wrong thing and should tough it out and persist with the BF'ing. But i would perhaps offer them encouragement with the words like......... you need to do what feels right for you and your baby, you have tried really hard and what ever decision you make is up to you, it's ok to come to this decision, a happy mum = happy baby. In this instance i would mean it in regards to the stress which was obviously creating issues and upsetting them, which i think would inturn upset the baby. Does that make ANY sense???

Just trying to explain my thoughts in a situation where i might use the term.....

When i see the term happy mum = happy baby it doesn't really bother me. I recognise that happiness and what gets us there is a very individual thing. But i can see what you mean by happy baby = happy mum.

I think it should be happy baby= happy mum = happy baby.

[onthefly]

Ah Trillian, you were brave enough to say what I was thinking...

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I thought I was the only one who had this thought LOL! I think happy mum=happy bub is a phrase that women *sometimes* use to justify being selfish in situations that they really should be giving bub priority (I've never seen it done in this forum though). Like anything, it's a balance between babies needs and also your own needs because at the end of the day, you need to be at a functional level to care of your child(ren)! Children come first, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean mum falls off the priority list all together.

[*Efjay*]

I haven't read all of this thread. but gonna say this....

I think sometimes An unhappy mum is the work of a happy baby. Im sure there are days (and nights) when my kids pueposely push my buttons just so they can have a giggle at me. Its like an inside joke between them
Take Isla & Iain for example. Iain is lovely, sleeps though most nights. What more could I ask for with 4 kids? Well Isla thought it would be funny to revert back to wake 3 times a night.
She is happy cuz she is getting boobie through the night, But I ain't cuz I want to take advantage of my new baby sleeping though. So I think Isla is having a good ol laugh at me!
Well not for long though cuz I have cottoned on & Im gonna have to tuffin up on this constant waking!

LOL so yeah I think my kids are all have a secret little laugh at me thinking to themselves "Sucker!!" LOL

Na I don't really think that. Happy baby's=Happy kids/Happy family's. But we can't all be happy at the same time. Well we can get everyone happy at the same time, it just takes a bit of hard work sometimes & no one likes hard work.