Friends who use CIO methods - do you say anything.

[sloane]

jbf - it stands for 'cry it out'

and i hope it's not private cos i've just barged in with my 2 cents!

[misty]

I don't think you have the right to say anything.

I have on occaision done the same thing as that woman with my kids (albeit no-one was there to judge me). Each circumstance is different and we all make different parenting choices. If anyone chose to comment on a single aspect of my parenting based on an isolated (or even recurrent) incident, I wouldn't take it very well.

My firstborn had reflux and was an EXTREMELY unhappy baby for the first 5 months, the only way she would fall asleep was after 30min -1hr of screaming (regardless of if I was there or not). After 6 months her reflux got better, she got happier, but she would still never go to sleep until after she had a good long scream, not until she was over one. I couldn't stay in the same room as her, I was emtionally worn out, and it would just prolong the screaming/crying. I never discussed this with my mothers group or any friends, because I didn't want to hear them tell me their opinion.

My DS1 is still a terrible sleeper, but the CIO method never worked for him - so I have never done it with him.

My DS2 is a brilliant sleeper (so far - touch wood).

The only reasonI am telling you this is to let you know that you may not know the "whole" story, or even if you do, unless ahe broached the subject with you, you have no business talking to her about it, or telling her what she should orr should not be doing when raising her kids.

[Santosha]

Thanks girls. I don't think I will say anything as I really don't want to cause a rift and know I would probably hate it if someone did that too directly to me. However I might be a bit more vocal in general about the choices I'm making and WHY. Until now I've just said 'I rock her to sleep' or 'she often sleeps in our bed' but I haven't really explained that there's some good research and theory behind my approach. I might do what Marcellus suggested and just say 'Oh I've been reading such a great book... it really helped' etc. so at least it gives the others the opportunity to know that such info/ideas are out there without telling them that they 'should' take on these strategies.

Just makes me so sad that so many dedicated, educated, competent Mums are still told that this is the only way and often that it's actually good for their child - eg. 'he needs you to teach him how to sleep... this is how you do it'. And, as a consequence, so many babies have to experience this stress. I know some parents choose to do this when fully informed of all the options because of their own circumstances and preferences and I want to be clear... I respect that.
Thanks again for your input.

Out of interest... who HAS said something about someone else's parenting? Why? How did the other person take it?

[wysiwyg]

My MG sounds alot like yours.

Is a really difficult one - I tend to assume because I am the sort of person that researches everything that other people have done that too and therefore are making an informed choice - but often that isn't the case but issue is you just don't know. And it is sad because it seems with motherhood you can't often discuss things like you would other aspects of life because people feel judged so much. I also think that sometimes you behave differently with other people around - e.g. maybe the mum would normally go in there and sit with him etc but felt needed to be out chatting with you guys.

If you can find something with a balanced view, I think the I have been reading this, or sending link to articles on internet - not directly to anyone person but just for general info is a good idea. In my MG people often send links to interesting stuff around and then is up to people if they want to take on board or not. I was reminded the other day about how I told someone about BLS and they had never heard of it before and now her son is like a poster boy for BLS.

[Doing my best]

I am in 2 different social circles with my children (1 group mainly comprises of past and present BB mums), and even though we all do gentle parenting in some way, we all do differently.

I have both my kids sleep in my room. IF DS is disturbing DD too much, then DH takes her to sleep in the spare room, but neither are left on their own. And in my original mothers group, the kids are all in their own rooms with CIO used at times. I had one of the mothers so embarrased that her DD was screaming, and chucking an outright tantrum, she thought I would never go back. But if that is the way that it works for her, who am I to judge and tell her I don't agree, or I think it's wrong? I know they don't agree with my children sleeping with us, but they have never directly said that I am doing it wrong, just said it isn't for them.

Just makes me so sad that so many dedicated, educated, competent Mums are still told that this is the only way and often that it's actually good for their child - eg. 'he needs you to teach him how to sleep... this is how you do it'. And, as a consequence, so many babies have to experience this stress. I know some parents choose to do this when fully informed of all the options because of their own circumstances and preferences and I want to be clear... I respect that.

Do you know that the mother that you have written about is 'uninformed'? Is it possible that she fits into the category of knowing and chooses to do it that way? Or maybe she was doing things differently because she had visitors? OR maybe the kid was acting up because their were people there? How would you feel if she told you that you were doing things wrong, just because you have chosen a different method of parenting? I don't tjink either way, is wrong, we just all go about it differently.

[Santosha]

You're right... I don't know that she is uninformed. She's pretty switched on and has made some great recommendations to me about other aspects of parenting where she's found useful info. I make that assumption only in that some of the things I have mentioned in passing (eg. Pinky Mackay, NCSS, BLS etc.) have come as a surprise to these women and quite a few other Mums I've met and also because I know she gets lots of info from her older sister who has done sleep school with her 3 kids (and she said pretty early on that on her sister's advice she was using CIO).

I know I'd be pretty upset and irate if any of the girls from MG told me they thought my parenting choices were wrong. I've just got to pull my head in and trust that the choice is right for her and her son. Just stirs up lots of emotion hearing a bubba so distressed I guess. And I do have a tendency to want to 'fix' things and thus have been known to stick my nose in or give advice where it's not welcome.

[misty]

We all know where you are coming from though. I just need to hear a baby cry for 2 secs and my heart breaks for it. Moreso if it isn't my baby, because I know the differences in my baby's cries, that let me know how serious it is - whereas someone else's baby I cann't always make the distinction, it always sounds more distressed then it might actually be. IYKWIM?

[AliBaby]

I have made "suggestions" to my mothers group ie. about feeding.

Some of the girls were having trouble getting their children to eat so I just gave an example of what we do (BLS) and explained a few of the benefits. When I had finished what I was saying about the topic I made it very clear that every baby and mum is different and that its just important to do what works for you and your baby and I think that comment makes it not so much preeching that "my way is the right way" IYKWIM.

I also make sure I ask them questions about what they are doing and what works for them. It is good to get different ideas and see how different people do different things. I dont know it all, and I dont want my mothers group friends to think that I am a know it all. You dont have to do what they do or suggest, but it is nice to be heard.

[Trillian]

No. I wouldn't say anything because at the end of the day, how someone chooses to parent their child is none of our business (well not unless it is abusive but I'm sure you knew what I meant). I have been in that situation too and it does break your heart and make you feel ill to listen to the poor little mites but you have to look at the situation from the other perspective and imagine how you would feel if someone told you that what you were doing is *wrong*. We all choose the path we go down after trying different things and maybe this Mum may eventually realise that CIO really isn't working for her. Plus you might have caught him on a bad day - there were loads of other mums and bubs there so his normal 'routine' would have been out for a start so any other day he probably does drop off really quick after a short 'sook'

So maybe if the opportunity does come up to talk about it in a general manner, by all means do, but to do so off the back of an event like that isn't cool. Regardless of how we choose to do things, we also have to accept that other parents will do things differently and we cannot try to change that or come across as being the enlightened ones because we do it this way, which is inherrently better than CIO, because they have to want to change what they are doing kwim? She may well have read all the info you have, but decided that for her unique situation that CIO worked best.

[Rosie's Mum]

Hey,

I just wanted to chime in with the opinion of someone who uses cio, (I never heard that expression before today!) I was totally against it when I read about it but at 10 months I was still breastfeeding my baby girl to sleep which was fine but she couldn't get to sleep any other way so whenever she woke up in the night I had to feed her down again. At 10 months I was up more than when she was a newborn, patting or rocking her to sleep wasn't an option because she loves attention and would stay awake for the pats so after much research we tried controlled comforting. It worked the first night, she slept throught the night and has never looked back. When we put her to bed now she's out with in 5 minutes, she gets enough sleep and I get enough sleep (sort of).

I totally get that this wouldn't work for you but it was right for us, if someone tried to tell me it was wrong or harmful to my baby I'd be pretty unimpressed. You are the expert on your kids and this woman is the expert on her little man. I don't want to have a go at you but I think we really need to stop judging each others parenting. We all have two things in common, we adore our kids and none of us are perfect.

You sound lovely and thoughtful and well meaning and I am jealous you have such a great Mothers group!

[JBF]

I completely agree with you Misty. It takes a while to get to know your own child's different cries and it is unsurprising that when you hear someone else babe cry it sounds distressed.

When my DD cries there is a huge difference to my ear between an upset cry which I would always respond to day or night or the little vocalisation, I am about to fall asleep cry. I am sure most mother's can hear this so I would always presume the best of another mother and hope that they knew their child well.

[mbear]

Wouldnt say anything either...but when they suggest to ME to 'let him cry it out' thats when i would fully voice my opinion on how that just dont work for us.
My DH 's BIL commented a few months ago when i was having a hard time getting used to H still being up 3-4 times a night 'just let him cry....shut the door and let him cry, he will get used to it'.......Used to what exactly ??? Being miserable, being ignored. I let him know WE dont do that in our house, and nor would i ever. He soon shut up. But i think if he was just chatting casually about how he gets his babies to sleep , then i wouldnt have gone off so much i think. It was the fact he was suggesting it for me...which i took offense too..

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I hope its alright if I jump in with all the experience of one who's never had children

I have spoken to a close friend about her letting her 2 month old CIO - because I was with her at her house, and she was visibly upset about her DD being so upset, and there was another woman in the room, also her close friend, telling her that DD was just trying to manipulate her, and needed to learn that it wasn't on. I tried to be diplomatic, to question the method without offending the older woman, who basically shrugged me off because I have no real experience.

After the woman left, I spoke to my friend about it, and just said to her that she should mother however comes naturally - I told her to TRUST HER INSTINCTS, if she didn't like that her baby was crying, to go and comfort her. If she didn't want her baby in a completely different room at night, to keep her with her. I told her that she will get a lot of advice, all well meaning, but all tailored to other children, and she was the expert on HER child. She looked at me for a minute, and then walked right back in that room, picked up her baby, and cuddled her til she fell asleep.

These days, she does a lot of things that I personally wouldn't do, but she does them with confidence. When someone tells her she's 'doing it wrong', she just tells them that SHE is the expert on HER child

[Pooley]

I agree completely with Misty. It really erks me when people make judgements and assumptions about my parenting/child, so therefore I too have learnt to keep my mouth closed and respect the decisions of other parents whether I agree with them or not.

[Cocolove]

ok so i havnt come in to argue but you have your parenting ways and others have theirs why is your right and theirs wrong.

I believe that we parent OUR way, i dont judge the parents who choose the gentle way and I wouldnt expect to be judged because my kids sleep in their own room & are not picked up the second they cry.

This thread is really pinching at peoples parenting choices why can we not just parent our own ways without being questioned on it, without judgment & without someone commenting on what we choose.

I choose not to smack my children but i dont judge friends that come over and smack their children nor do i question them

[Kristin27]

I also wouldn't say anything directly to her.

Maybe you could use the old 'a friend of mine did this' story?? Like oh I was at my sisters/friends house the other day and she let her DD cry in her cot for 30 minutes and it broke my heart yadda yadda? See what kind of reaction you get from her about CIO?

[sleepyljm]

No, I would never say anything. At the end of the day it is about mutual respect. We need respect eachothers judgements and support them whether or not we completely agree with them or not. Only the mother knows what is right for her, her baby and their family.

[BabyQ]

well at ds's first birthday party, there was a mum there with her baby who was a couple of months old...baby falls asleep and i offer ds's bed..so she puts him in..i organise the monitor etc and mum and i walk out when she closes the door...she sits down in the living room and i went to get the handset..went to give it to her and she says "oh i just leave him (as he was crying), he'll get over it soon and go to sleep" ..so i just said "just in case..." and i turned it on and gave it to her....

not long afterwards, she got up and acted a bit more concerned about her little one... i went off to do stuff..and when she had been gone for a while, i asked her dh where she was and he said she went to hold bub til he went to sleep...

i reckon from the vibe of things and the way she looked at me that she felt a bit guilty at letting him cry, so she held him to sleep...


I reckon if i were in your situation, I would probably ask how the mum is coping...Sympathise with having a crying baby..and then ultimately offer my help "let me give you some peace and quiet"...and go get the baby and give it what it's asking for...
(all that being said and done I would have to make sure my own little one was being looked after first)