Re: carrying DD/behaviour near traffic etc. DD is now 15.7kg (very precise - had to have her weighed before moving her to a booster ) and i still often carry her in the meitai. BUt i also let her walk plenty too, since she has masses of energy to burn off. I don't think the natural consequence of running into traffic is one she can comprehend. As we discussed above, i DO think allowing a child to experience a natural consequence is important, but i think that one has to keep in mind the potential severity of the lesson - i might tell her 4 times not to jump about on the stairs if she is 4 up from the bottom, because they are carpeted and would be bruised rather than broken if she fell. She has been bruised from falls before and i know she is able to relate my warning to her own experiences. But if a car hit her there is a very likely possibility she would suffere severe injuries or even death and i know she has no experience of that and cannot yet comprehend the potential of it, so i prevent her running onto the road.
How do i do it? Similarly to RH. I tell her if she wants to walk she needs to walk right in beside me. If she runs ahead or lags behind i remind her and she falls back in next to me. She MUST hold my fingers or hand (she often likes to hold my fingers rather than have her hand held because she has a strong need to feel control in her environment i think) to cross roads and if she refuses the only other choice is to go into the buggy or meitai (depending which we have with us). This is not a consequence, it is a rule and i don't feel rules are bad or unhelpful in parenting so long as i can always anmswer the question "why?" when it is asked. Even though she cannot understand the potential for injury or death in traffic, i always explain WHY she must hold my hand or jump in the buggy, because eventually i hope she WILL understand. I never say "just because" or "because i said so" because i don't prescribe to the idea that i know better in an automatic way.
Re: guilt. Hmmm. When my eggs were smashed or i am hit i AM upset. I'm not faking the emotions i feel, though i might be showing them more frankly than i would to another adult. As Maya says, guilt is a healthy part of the conscience. A person who never feels guilt is either perfect (no such thing) or a sociopath. I scorched DP's shirt the other day while ironing it. It's one of his favourites and he really likes it and i felt SO SO bad. DP's response was to sympathise and google what could be done (immediate cold-water, washing through and 6 hours in direct sunlight brought it out just fine) and i felt even worse! He didn't "make" me feel guilty, i felt it as an internal mechanism of my conscience. I believe in emotion. In letting DD experience that emotion. Most children WILL feel guilt when it is made clear to them that they have hurt or inconvenienced someone, and that is to be embraced and learned from, not avoided. Would i cry if i didn't feel it? Probably. It would depend on the action i was responding to. When DD threw my boot at me and it hit me in the face it DID make my eyes water, but i wouldn't normally cry from physical pain, though i did allow those tears to flow and tell DD in a very sad voice that she'd really really hurt Mama.
When i was a child and teen my mother used guilt against us. She did this by letting us know how much we'd hurt, angered or inconvenienced her AND THEN SHUTTING US OUT. I NEVER do this. Within seconds of the boot hitting my face DD was hugging me and angry as i felt of course i let her comfort me. I think guilt is only a hopeless emotion when we both encourage a child to feel it and prevent them from using it to drive them into making amends. Guilt can be so productive when it helps us to figure out who we want to be and how we want to act, it only becomes something which eats away at us when we are not allowed to act upon it to change things for the better.
) and i still often carry her in the meitai. BUt i also let her walk plenty too, since she has masses of energy to burn off. I don't think the natural consequence of running into traffic is one she can comprehend. As we discussed above, i DO think allowing a child to experience a natural consequence is important, but i think that one has to keep in mind the potential severity of the lesson - i might tell her 4 times not to jump about on the stairs if she is 4 up from the bottom, because they are carpeted and would be bruised rather than broken if she fell. She has been bruised from falls before and i know she is able to relate my warning to her own experiences. But if a car hit her there is a very likely possibility she would suffere severe injuries or even death and i know she has no experience of that and cannot yet comprehend the potential of it, so i prevent her running onto the road.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks