How do I deal with this behaviour?

[Astrid]

Well DD has become a real little drama queen. She is not happy with anything that we do or don't do, if she wants something she screams and cries straight away rather than asking first. It is wearing me down, I am beginning to dread going places, or staying home depending on what she is upset about. If I take her somewhere, she then tantrums when we leave no matter how long we are there for, or how much warning she is given. She does not want to go home. Even driving past the supermarket can have her screaming that she either wants to, or does not want to go to the shop.

Yesterday we had a good day out visiting, she was well behaved and ok when we had to leave (amazing). We had a good time at home, but when it came to the time to pick up DH from work she just went hysterical. She didn't like daddy, wanted to go to the park, refused to get in the car, once in the car wouldn't get into her seat. She screamed and cried the whole trip and didn't stop when DH got into the car. She screamed as we drove into the garage (for some reason she hates the garage and complains each time), screamed as she was carried inside, screamed whilst DH had a shower. The only way she stopped was for us to take her for a walk around the block.

This morning we had to drop DH at work, so once again it started. She doesn't want to go to playgroup (it is on this arvo), she wants to go to work (childcare which is tomorrow). She cried the whole round trip and then of course got even more upset with driving into the garage. The carry on continued inside, she was hungry (her breakfast was untouched, it was what she chose as well), still wants to go to childcare, now wants icecream, her jigsaw is apart - everything causes her to have a tantrum.

What is going on? Her week is a mixture of activities for her and of course things for us (shopping etc). I try and distract where possible, like offering yoghurt when she asks for icecream. She has always had a bit of drama queen about her, but she has really gone too far this time.

[Pretty Butterfly]

It sounds like your daughter is a typical frustrated nearly 3 year old!!! The best way I delt with this was at home, then the behavour gets easier out and about. I never listened to my children when they scream or yell and they now know this. I calmly say 'i'm not listening when you scream" Of course they scream louder, but if you ignore it, they will eventually learn to quiten down and speak nice. if my toddler started a tantrum in the lounge, i would go to the bedroom and play with toys. Toddler would follow... screaming. i ask if they want to play too. Speak nice and calm,.... she'll yell if you yell!! If they scream, I leave and go to the kitchen and bake or play. they follow and scream. Eventually they will learn that screaming is NOT how you communicate, and she misses all the fun with mummy.

She is testing how far she can push you both, and wants to know where the boundaries are. She is prob old enough for "rewards" as such, to start learning good and bad behavour. Stickers for such a good girl, no attention when screaming. If she helps pick her own reward, all the better!! A special shopping trip to buy her special stickers and a book because she is so good will show her how rewarding being nice is!! She really does want you to be proud of her, and she wants to know what behavour will get that.

Being told " wow your so good, Mummy loves that!!" will boost her to no end!!! But if mummy wont listen or look when she's naughty, she wont like it much!!

Its all trial & error!!!

Hope that helps a little hon.... all little kidlets are different.. sorry!!!

[Astrid]

Thanks for the post Jodie - had a quick chat to one of her carers at childcare about this and she thought it was pushing boundaries as well. Tough to handle though as I have little patience these days and DH, well he has none, so yells back to quickly.

Doing my best not to cave in to the drama, but it is making bedtime absolutely awful. She is not the best as going to sleep normally, but now it is horrendous. If I give a little, she tries to take more. Just letting her pick one book leads to a night of drama as she wants more and more, but if I don't let her pick a book it also is a night of drama, as she wont listen to what I am reading I think I am going to have to remove all books from the bedroom except the ones that are ok for sleeping. DH thinks he knows how to handle her, but she is so scared of him now, also he only spends 5 minutes reading to her before I am called in Once he can get her to sleep with no drama and no help from me, then I think he is qualified to give me advice.

[Pandora]

DS has been screeching and squealing of late and throwing tantrums when he doesnt get what he wants. I tell him he sounds like a monkey....well I say something like ' can you hear a monkey? All I can hear are monkey noises, and I dont understand them, I only listen to big boy talking' And like Jodie says he screams even louder. Once he stops, I try to pick somehting he likes to do or sing a song he likes etc. at the moment its singing the tellytubbies song and caling him lala.

I am hoping he gets the message soon that we ignore screaming and screeching but its slow going right now.

[Sandy036]

hehehe ... sorry for the chuckle but I too was in that situation with my 5yr old dear. Recently DH went away to work up North for 3 months and my 5yr old had turned into a little monster whenever it came to doing something different. Going to the shops was a nightmare of a job. She would throw a tantrum from one isle to the next. I would carry on shopping with this child hanging off my trolley crying,growling, moaning and screaming at me around the shop.All the while I had a 8 month old in the trolley as well just enjoying the time out and not a peep from her! But my 5yr old well ..... You know the ones you see when you are out and you say to yourself - Oh dear, my child is never like/was like that.Or what did that woman do to that child to upset her so much.? hehe... Anyway, had to basically do what Purplemamma did and that was to just try to move away from the yelling back and forth and distract their attention to something fun. Learning to switch off from them is something I have gained over the years. This is my 4th child I am having as well. My 5yr old hasn't had a outburst in over a couple of months now. I also believe that they sense that with another sibling coming along that the attention is being switched as well. They are no longer the centre of attention from mum or dad. 5yr old tries to speak loudly or gain attention when anyone focuses on her little sis. More so when my 16yr old plays with her. Kids are a laugh and should be loved all times....I sit and laugh at my kids all the time, even when having a tantrum.. Don't worry too much about your little one, they do grow out of it at sometime.

[aussienic]

Are you sure you aren't talking about my son Jacob?? he is an August 05 baby...

We have reasonably good days but some days are so horrendous. We are trying another approach as ignoring and trying to calm him weren't working. So now we say Come here matey give us a huggl and for some reason that works.. When in the car and he is having a tantrum I huggle his foot..

Some days this doesn't work and when it doesn't I just calmly say.. Jacob go and lay on your bed till you calm down.. Most of the time he just rins screaming to his room yelling NO but then 5 minutes later he is back all calm and the moment was forgotten..

I was losing my patience with it all then I gave myself a jab and said Nic he is not even 3 even he doesn't know why he is angry/sad ect...

So we don't bother trying to distract or calm.. We just ask for a huggle.. and when that doesn't work we go on with our day and ask at regular intervals for huggles and eventually he calms down..

Another thing we have been doing is giving Jacob a little more independence... Such as. He has a step so he can get his own drink from the fridge or sink if he wants.. He also has one in the bathroom for washing hands cus heaven forbid you turn on the tap that causes world war 3 So basically unless he asks for help we don't do it. We always offer and say Jacob can we help you with that..

hope some of that helps.. Just doing those few small things helped keep us sane. oh and we are only human we have super bad days where we don't stay calm.. but 6 out of 7 days we do

[Pandora]

I've got tickers turned off, so I cant recall how far along you are but is there any chance at all its related to the new baby coming? I know my cousin's youngest daughter (3yo) had really difficult behavour through the second half of her pregnancy?

[MantaRay]

Astrid hun, there is something in the air. My 3yo is going through a "difficult phase" too. I can highly recommend Pinky's latest book, Toddler Tactics. It is helping me to understand the behaviour and find different ways to deal with it. Honestly, 3 seems to be so much worse than 2! Big hugs to you, I know it's not easy.

[Astrid]

Less than 4 weeks to go Rayray! Toddler Tactics did arrive the other day. I was reading it in the toilet (the only place I can read), she came in, grabbed it off me, gave me an Essence to read instead and ran away with it Wonder if she was trying to tell me something?

[MantaRay]

PMSL Astrid, that is too precious!!

[xtml]

great thread everyone... oooo i can hardly wait till Olly hits 3, i thought i knew at last how to handle 2yo horror behaviour (on a good day i can handle it). i loved reading all your different strategies. these tactics have gotta be better than my neighbour's who screams at her 3 yo daughter "pick it up! what's wrong with you, are you stupid?" - i can hear it from my place with the door shut. and it doesn't work. maybe nothing works on her child, but if she ignored it/ asked for a cuddle instead, at least it wouldn't be causing more tension. good work mums!

[Nai]

Oh Astrid - I am pretty sure that we have the same daughter DD has started this sort of behaviour and from what you have said it looks like it is only going to get worse! I might have to get my hands on that book.

[Astrid]

Oh dear, nice to know I am not alone in this. Poor thing though has gone through so many changes this past 6 months, so that could be affecting her, but a part of me thinks she would be behaving like this anyway I was warned that 3's was worse than 2's, but I just didn't want to believe it. I am not entirely sure if it is that worse, more that it is just different, so a different way of handling things needs to be thought of again. Oh well, the joy of parenting.

[Astrid]

I just give up. Thought I would do the right thing and try to spend some one on one time with DD this morning. Took her to the local park after dropping DH off at work. Not the best times as everything was wet, so we walked around the lake looking at the ducks and then across the road to the beach where she could watch some horses being taken for a trot. Kind of killed me with my instable pelvis, but I kept on going for as long as I could before getting her back to the park. She was able to have a play this time. I was getting tired and hungry so decided it was time to go. Gave her lots of warning and explained it was so we could have some food. Well she tantrumed again, she wanted icecream and to stay. Ended up having to walk off on her and then tell her that if she did not come with me that there would be no swimming with daddy later. So she came to the car and then ran away screaming. She knows never to run away in the car park, so I was furious at her, thankfully it was a quiet morning and safety was not that much of an issue.

It just makes me wonder why I bother, I do something for her and it just ends in screaming and tears. I just can't win