psycho mummy

[xtml]

sometimes i feel like i descend into a bad mood where i become psycho mummy, where i am irritable, irrational and dark. It can happen when DS is just too demanding and i run out of patience. the transformation begins: dark clouds gather above, steam shoots out of my ears, my eyes turn red and burn holes in everything i see. I dont get violent, but i feel really nasty and mean in my thoughts. Like i want to yell shut up, i want to shut the door on the crying and although i might succeed in putting DS in a situation where he happy ( so the triggering behaviour stops), i am left feeling resentful and ****ed off. It totally ruins my day.

for a while i was on anti depressants which really helped. they meant i could cope with the usual challenges of a toddler's wingeing and constant demands with good humour and imagination. I may have been in this horrible mood because of liver or thyroid problems, or maybe not, perhaps it's just normal. anyway i went off the anti-depressants when i felt better and passed the incredibly nauseas stage of early pregnancy. but now, sometimes the evil me re-emerges. Does anyone have a solution to change that mood when it happens (or before)? something involving caffeine or music or mental cues?

[New Dawn]

I too get this way and I hate when I yell at the kids for simple things just because I'm tired or what ever the reason. I dont have any solutions but I do try to walk a way. I tell the older two to give me a few minutes and if baby is up or the other too arent home then I have to put her in her room to finish her tandy as I can feel myself losing it and I am sometime afraid of what I could do. So I feel its better for her to be in her room and for me to chill out a bit before I can deal with her. but never think you are alone in this I think we all can feel our angrer build just be thank full you realise and stop yourself before you do anything. I have a friend who uses her MP3 player turns it up enough to block out most of the noise but quite enough to hear the real screems.

[Rouge]

Have you thought of having a reminder to snap you out of it? What about imagining a big Stop sign in your head, or keeping an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it to help you remember to calm down. If all else fails leave the room before you escalate to the point you aren't happy with. And always resolve it with your kids afterwards, if you overreacted tell them and apologise. I was told once by a psychologist that its not necessarily the yelling that affects them but how you deal with it afterwards. Explain you are tired, hungry, stressed etc and that you shouldn't have done x, y, z. And that you will try harder not to do that in the future. Don't ever say you won't do it again as this is a lie, and its better to be honest. All mums go through this at one point or another, but its how we recognise it and deal with it that helps. The fact that you have posted here about it says alot about the mother you are, a good one! Goodluck!

[MantaRay]

What a great post Cailin. Xtml, I find the same thing lately. I think being sleep deprived is a big part of it - your tolerance decreases so much. So at least you know that you are normal. I think Cailin has given you (and me!!) great advice. You can get some postive from the negative by discussing it with your kids. This helps them to understand emotions and the right and wrong ways to deal with them. And forget the guilt (yeah, ok, easier said than done!). It doesn't help anything, it only makes it worse.

[Lucy]

First of all, know that you are not alone: your description of psycho mummy could quite easily be a description of me on a lot of days!

I have a few methods that I use to prevent the intrusion of psycho mummy, as, like you, a HATE it when I feel her presence looming.....

Sleep/Rest......I know this is stating the obvious, but if I feel like I am heading for a spiral, I wait for DH and and I to get them all in the bed at night, then go straight to bed myself at about 8pm (or earlier if we can manage it!). This can give me the much needed top up I need, rather than lingering around all evening with DH and not getting to bed till 11pm.....3 hours extra sleep can make a big difference for me.

Diet/Supplements: I feel a lot more psycho mummy-ish if I am not eating right, drinking too much coffee, or having one glass too many of wine. So I really really try & keep on top of a low GI, well balanced diet (for all of us!) & plenty of water. I also swear by In-Liven: I have been taking it for well over a year, and psycho mummy moments are really few and far between.

Teamwork: this is easier said than done, and varies, I'm sure, in everyone's relationships, but DH & I have talked & talked around this, and he know finally "gets it"......if I feel emotionally supported by him, and receive his practical help with the kids & the house when he is available, then I am simply happier. If I feel like we are operating as a team, even if it all goes horribly wrong, if we are on the "same side", I can cope.

Not sure if that helps any? Either way, please know that I think acknowledging psycho mummy-ness is the biggest step to avoiding her presence.........

Good luck!

[JoMarie]

I count to 10 a LOT!! I think most of us get like this from time to time. I was constantly like this until I started taking anti depressants recently, and have noticed a huge change in my behaviour and moods generally. I try to listen to them, then help work it out if I can, but beyond that, I use time out and walk away. If I do yell at them (I actually did tell the girls to shut up the other day), I will apologise and explain why I spoke to them like that. I don't expect them to speak like that, so I try to demonstrate the kind of behaviour I expect from them.

[Bathsheba]

Some excellent advice here! Rest assured you are not alone. I have also felt that BB has helped me a lot. Hearing that other mums are going through similar things really helps you feel less resentful of your lot in life. Cailin is so right that most 'damage' done by yelling and becoming a psycho mummy can be undone a bit if you debrief afterwards with your child. I lost the plot a bit last week with my son but got the guilts immediately afterwards and apologised. I didn't go overboard with kisses and cuddles (which I think might confuse him) but I did just take a seat opposite him and looked him in the eye and said "mummy was wrong, I am sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you". I let him digest that and take in the change then i went on to explain, in words that he could understand, what went wrong. He was still upset so I just sat there with him until he calmed down. I showed him remorse, I said that it was ok to feel angry sometimes but that it was never ok to yell in someone's face. In the end I think children do need to see all facets of yourself. Don't be afraid to show every emotion. You can usually 'turn a negative into a positive' and show your child how you can pull yourself together and calm down. This is really valuable. Don't be afraid to be humble infront of your kids. You don't have to be perfect and when there are times that your behaviour is less than perfect you can at least communicate this to your child and show them how to deal with strong emotions.

Just another quick suggestion: I have this particular CD that I play (Children's songs sung by children in French) that always helps me get to a better place mood-wise. The kids love it too. It is one of a few tools that I use to get us through the witching hour 5pm - 6pm.

[xtml]

wow. i feel so heard and understood. all your advice and kind words has already helpedl, as i feel like i have some tools for deterrence and resolution now, and it is not a lost cause if it happens, but an opportunity to change my behaviour and to model problem resolution. i love the concept "its ok to feel angry but never ok to yell in someone's face". I am amazed that it is our children that teach us this... indirectly and with the help of supportive friends. thank you everyone!

[Bathsheba]

Sometimes when my children are driving me up the wall I like to rethink the situation and consider that they might be my spiritual medicine. Yes, they really push you to the limit and really test the way you think of yourself. Oh yes I *thought* I was a kind, tolerant and forgiving person before I had children... but since having them I realise that I didn't know a thing about those attributes. It's not until you are tested that you find out how really "good" or "weak" you are. No one likes to take distasteful medicine but if you swallow it and deal with it it will make you a stronger person in the long run.