Unsolicited advice and criticism - what you want to say or have said
Well, I was in the shower thinking about stuff and I thought of another comeback for comments from people about how we parent DS.
For comments such as "don't you think it's time to cut his hair", "sleeping in your bed? That's a bad habit", etc, I could say "When your opinion about it matters, I'll let you know".
Then another: "If it concerned you, I would have consulted you about it". They can both be said nicely or snappily - a one-size-fits-all response!
When it's someone who genuinely wants to know why I do what I do, or don't, then I'll patiently explain myself, and they generally come round to my gentle methods! Otherwise, I just say something like "we all love co-sleeping", "I don't like to go bed alone, why should he", "why would I stop breastfeeding when he loves it so much".
The older he gets, though, the more I get comments about 'still BFing', co-sleeping, leaving his hair long, not 'conventionally' disciplining him, not having a strict early bedtime yaddiyaddah...
What do you do or not do with your child that has attracted comment and 'conventional wisdom' and how have you responded (or wanted to respond, in hindsight), depending on how civil or narky you felt they deserved to be dealt with? After all, us gentler parenters are raising anarchistic ferals and we need to stick together for when our children turn against us!
ahhhh, for me- we've just stopped telling people about our sleeping arrangement, as people think we're weirdos. currently ds and i sleep in our bed together, while dp sleeps in the spare room. this arrangement suits all of us. i'm happy, ds is happy and dp is happy. ds gets to breastfeed whenever he wants. i get to stay nice and warm and not have to get up and dp gets a full night's sleep everynight so he's fresh for work. it's not forever, but it works right now. i wish i could tell people what i really think when they turn up their nose at our situation. i wish i didn't have to justify myself......but instead i usually just lie about it.
might try the 'when your opinion matters, i'll let you know'....
Not exactly what I had in mind, studentmum, but effective, all the same!
Rainforest - thought about lying, just feels like a disservice to the next person that person meets who co-sleeps or doesn't cut their son's hair, or whatever! I'm a big leftie, unionist bleeding-heart...I am pretty good under fire
Ahhhh yes ive had alot of this kinda thing lately......and my answer is...'I'll parent my way...you parent your own way...you do not live with us or see how we raise our kids so how dare you judge or comment'.
Are you still breastfeeding??? !) Yes, its because I'm lazy. 2) Yes, aren't you? 3) Why wouldn't I be?
They sleep in your bed? 1) Yes, I love it, kids are so toasty and warm 2) Yes, I can't be bothered getting up when its cold, I'm lazy.
I like to look very puzzled when people ask me these questions and I like to ask the questions back at them so they are the ones explaining why they need to question me. Usually not much of a response though, stuff along the lines of 'oh well you dont see that often' (or some such crap). Then I usually say 'well you musnt know many people then! Everyone I know *insert issue here* does too....
i know, i really shouldn't be lying about it.
people are constantly asking me about breastfeeding ds now that i'm pg again, as though i'm hurting the unborn baby or something by breastfeeding him- or like it's weird to see a pg woman breastfeeding.
i like your suggestion lulu of children being toasty- my ds is so toasty and smells so fresh in the morning, i lovewaking up with him. much nicer than smelly old dp
Rainforest, you can lie about it if you're uncomfortable about the attention! There'll always be someone like me to take up the slack I've been hanging around booby feeders too long - I cannot understand any non-positive attitude to BFing whilst pg, or tandem feeding!
A friend of mine practices attachment parenting and told us a story the other week about her response to a nosy inquiry into her parenting choices. Not sure what the initiating question was but she responded with a polite "Oh thank you, let me know when your book comes out so you can tell people you at least sold one copy". Had us all giggling.
I heard a great one the other day "why don't you look in your own backyard before you look over the fence"....ha,ha loved it.
As for the hair cut - the other day it was "oh Erin, get the poor childs hair cut"that's the third time it was topic of conversation at playgroup...far out. I like his wild, ferral blonde mop LOL.
When an old high school friend was over visiting, she and her cousin were really at me with the sleep questions "how often does she wake, what time etc" I just smiled and said "Look, I don't know and I don't have a problem. I cosleep, so it is no effort for me to feed her. I don't worry about sleep when they are young".
If I am questioned about co-sleeping I just tend to comment that I am too lazy to get up for feeds. If they don't know I co-sleep and ask how many times I get up in the night, I just say "Oh, I don't get up", generally they looked shocked and think I just leave bubs to cry. Then I continue "I don't need to get up, we co-sleep, I just roll over "
I did get nasty once, I had a GP (not my normal one) refused to give me a referral for depression. She believed I should control cry, as she did with her son and he is fine, that should solve my depression. Well I let loose "I believe it is a form of child abuse and I will not abuse my child!"
Are you still breastfeeding?? Umm yeah..why wouldnt I be? (with a look on my face as if to say it was the most absurd question anyone had ever asked me.)
Same goes for using cloth nappies, not control crying and so on.
To the ones who push it further, I just pull some intereeting information out of my bum, like the WHO recommends to breastfeed till 2 years old... or some other such little tidbit of information. After that I usually fet some stupid response usually not anything more than an "oh .. ok" and a quick subject change.
I get big time, more times than I care to remember .... " Don't you think your daughter would like a little sibling " or " Are you still trying for another baby "
For geez sake I had my daughter at 40 ... and the moment she turned '2' I am expected to fall pregnant at 42 (& a half) in an instant ... a damn miracle I'm meant to do and do it 'again ' OMG ... isn't one miracle clearly enough ??? ... If people knew my story they would know it took us 2.5yrs to concieve & before then we had gone through our hearts been ripped out with a m/c
We have been trying to fall pregnant with no#2 for 14mths now & it's hard enough as it is to deal with all the heartbreaking emotions that go with it & as time goes & my reproduction system getting older ... it just eats me up. At my age trying to fall pregnant let alone be reminded with these Questions from strangers or friends feels like hell some days
I ran into one of four Mothers from my old Mother's Group that are pregnant with their 2nd bub a few months ago & she said to DP & i " We need to get a move on with another baby & catch up with them all seeing they are all pregnant ". How can someone who is pregnant say this to someone else fully well knowing they are in their 40's. Need I say they are all younger than I ... & for all she knew I could have been trying to fall pregnant longer then them all.
Well, they have 'all' had their 2nd babies & given their 1st child a sibling ... and here I am still trying & still scared by that comment ...
People, especially pregnant women need to be more mindful as you just don't know another woman's situation
OMG smiles!!! I could have posted exactly the same thing. My infertility isn't age related it's PCOS.
I need some tips on handling the when is the next one coming question. At the moment I'm using the "we want to enjoy Olivia for now" but no idea how much longer I can keep saying that. I would love to tell them to f@*k off and mind their own business but that might be a little bit blunt, LOL! It hasn't gotten so bad that this week I've spent the week in tears and laying in bed.
(sorry Mayannes for hijacking. Hope you don't mind.)
OMG Smiles and Dan - whilst age and other fertility issues are not my reasons for 'still only' having one child, I very much relate to the comments you get from other people!! I am getting this A LOT and it really does shut people up (and better still, make them shift in their seats and want to go away!) when I say that I probably would be pregnant if I"d had a period yet! I tell them straight after that, that when DS backs off his BFing, then I'll start ovulating again and that's when he'll be ready and meanwhile, I'm so besotted with him that it's just as well he's the only one. Really, no-one wants to discuss my periods or female functions, but if they're going to be so nosy, let's talk about how babies get here!! Dan - not hijacking at all, this is also really bugging me ATM, so well-timed! Try it, though - it is uncomfortable the first couple of times, then it just starts to roll of the tongue and starts to feel normal to talk about reproductive functions...and they are, after all, opening the flood gates...
Same, Karina - I have started to say, when quizzed about DS's Bfing and the duration of it "yes, well he's only 2!", with that 'duh' tone in my voice. This seems to be working!
With the hair, I'm using 'I like his surfer look'. Funnily enough, yesterday we were at a BBQ and someone there was saying that their son gets mistaken for a girl and she says it's when he's wearing really boyish clothes - I jumped on it and told DP "see, and he has short hair, so it doesn't even matter what length it is, people will always ask!". I'm never going to cut DS's hair just so that people know what sex he is. And now it's a good length to tuck behind his ears
Astrid - I cannot believe a GP would do that to you! I had a GP ask me in such a berating and condescending tone of voice "why are you still breastfeeding?"...when DS was about 22 months old...never going back there and I might even write to the practice manager still...I've been a bit busy to do it since it happened...I gave her the WHO spiel but she didn't care. Dumb @rse.
Mayannes I am sooooooo comfortable talking about girly stuff (I'm a midwife) maybe even a little to comfortable, LOL!!
On a side note I love little boys with long hair. They look gorgeous. Plus people will always get the sex of kids mixed up. I had Olivia in a pink dress and a headband and someone asked me if she was a girl or boy???? on b/f still. Fantastic to hear . Keep going girl!!! I absolutely love Lulu's answers to them. You'll have to try a few out and let us know how you go.
Oooh, another one I've been easing in to the quiz situations, when asking about the next child and how many I want, is "Age gap is more important to me than head count", cos they assume I want my kids close in age just cos that's what a lot of people do these days. That mitigates anyone saying "if you stopped BFing you could conceive again" and is probably a passive aggressive way of telling them to back off. It tells them, as well, that I've thought about it and probably have more comebacks should they pursue it any further!
I've used "toasty and warm" to great effect in recent times - Melbourne winters! Only it will run out of currency soon, as Melbourne summers are not the best time to use that line...I can say that he regulates my body temp so that neither of us gets too hot??
Dan - LOL! DP has stopped trying to find pictures of long-haired celebrity babies and saying " do you want him to look like X's child?"...cos all I ever say is "yes, actually, I think he's so cute", he he. And it's true - I LOVED when Elle MacPherson's son had long hair! My signature photo is from last year and DS's hair goes down to his cheeks, and it looks like the curl might be growing out...but no cutting it yet - it ain't over till the fat lady sings! And people in my circle are getting used to me being so frank - I've been talking about boobs and breastmilk since DS was born, and ignore the cringes and people who say 'too much information'...cos to the single, childless girls or women in the room, it might stick in their subconscious and be handy one day
Last edited by Smoke Jaguar; September 15th, 2008 at 12:31 AM.
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Unsolicited advice and criticism - what you want to say or have said
on b/f still. Fantastic to hear
. Keep going girl!!! I absolutely love Lulu's answers to them. You'll have to try a few out and let us know how you go.
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