Unsolicited advice and criticism - what you want to say or have said

[Smoke Jaguar]

Oooh, another one I've been easing in to the quiz situations, when asking about the next child and how many I want, is "Age gap is more important to me than head count", cos they assume I want my kids close in age just cos that's what a lot of people do these days. That mitigates anyone saying "if you stopped BFing you could conceive again" and is probably a passive aggressive way of telling them to back off. It tells them, as well, that I've thought about it and probably have more comebacks should they pursue it any further!
I've used "toasty and warm" to great effect in recent times - Melbourne winters! Only it will run out of currency soon, as Melbourne summers are not the best time to use that line...I can say that he regulates my body temp so that neither of us gets too hot??
Dan - LOL! DP has stopped trying to find pictures of long-haired celebrity babies and saying " do you want him to look like X's child?"...cos all I ever say is "yes, actually, I think he's so cute", he he. And it's true - I LOVED when Elle MacPherson's son had long hair! My signature photo is from last year and DS's hair goes down to his cheeks, and it looks like the curl might be growing out...but no cutting it yet - it ain't over till the fat lady sings! And people in my circle are getting used to me being so frank - I've been talking about boobs and breastmilk since DS was born, and ignore the cringes and people who say 'too much information'...cos to the single, childless girls or women in the room, it might stick in their subconscious and be handy one day

[ll80]

My general response, before I got pg again, when someone asked me when I was going to give DD a brother or a sister was "When you pop one out for me!"
Generally shuts them up and they can't get away quick enough, especially those busy body old people who pester you in the streets.

None of anyones business what you choose to do with your family.

When I was co sleeping with DD if I got asked about her sleeping I'd just say she sleeps in a Queen bed and sleeps very well, I don't really need to get up at all.
That's cause I was next to her lol, but they didn't need to know that.
She still sleeps in a Queen but likes to sleep by herself now.
I go by Need to Know Basis, just give them enough info to shut them up, I don't care what people think about what I do, I do what's right for me.

[Rouge]

Oh yes we get the hair thing *ALL* the time! Seth has curls, I'm not a fan of the short back and sides. So he has a 70's/skater boy hair cut and we love it. I have had women say to me in shopping centres "Oh aren't you scared he'll get lice?!" WTF?!

Everyone likes to make comments on anything they can. If someone says something about the way you parent simply say "Oh sorry did you think I was complaining?" In *that* patronising tone, you'll soon find people will think before they speak.

I guess I'm pretty lucky apart from the hair thing, and the obvious looks at my daughters choice in fashion we don't seem to get many comments, maybe I'm too scary looking to even go there *snaps fingers in front of face* Oh speaking of get *the look* down pat and people won't even bother commenting LOL!

[fionas]

TBH, I find that people usually ask me a pretty general question first like, "how's motherhood going?" "Is she a good baby etc".

So my usual response is "she's a very easy baby. Sleeps a lot and barely cries. I'm very lucky."

So if the conversation then turns to sleeping arrangements (she's still in our room at 13 months and sometimes in our bed too) - they don't feel like they can criticise because I've just waxed lyrical about how easy she is.

The only thing that has annoyed me recently was a friend who seemed shocked that I wouldn't let her give DD a biscuit. At first she was, "what she can't chew a biscuit" as if thinking that DD wasn't capable of eating it and I just said "she's NOT having a bloody biscuit." So I think she then 'got it' that it was my choice not to feed her that.

I'm slowly trying to tell my friends that I couldn't give a stuff how they give birth/parent etc. but nor do I expect them to make comments about how I parent UNLESS I ask them for advice. Similarly I would never pass comment on what they do unless they asked my advice either.

[Phteven]

LOL we get the hair thing as well because Imran has gorgeous long hair - lots of people think he's a girl which cracks me up because he's such a butch little guy. Yasin's favourite colour at the moment is pink so if I let him buy his own clothes when we shop they're all pink. Between the pink with a butch haircut and the flowing locks with butch clothes my boys get a lot of bewildered double takes lol.
Thanks for the reminder re nagging about babies. SIL has an only child and DH has been harassing her about it and I've been meaning to have a word with him but it slipped my mind.

[thepixie]

For BF'ing "I'm too cheap to buy formula" Or "it saves on milk/juice"
For co-sleeping "it's cheaper than an electric blanket - not to mention more environmentally friendly"
For siblings "Oh I hate my siblings, I wouldn't want to inflict that on DS/DD"
for haircuts - "We're waiting till he has enough hair so we can give it to a charity that makes wigs for cancer sufferers"

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

The other day, I went to a GP about my sleeping problems and co-sleeping came up . . . the b!tch goes "She sleeps in your bed?! Well that's a problem in itself" dumb cow. I had no idea what to say to that or any of her other stupid comments.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Now you do, Nee!! Only someone who hasn't done it (and not just 'we fell asleep together a couple of times'...that' doesn't count!) could ever think it's a problem Dumb@rse!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My GP is lovely but if there is a hint of a trouble she tells me to use disposable nappies! Aside from the fact his nappy rash had almost gone then sposies at Nursery gave him a fungal infection in just 8 hours of sposies... he likes cloth, I like cloth, don't rock the boat that floats!

I tend to laugh off the "but that will kill him" comments - or say "not really, after all the WHO say... [blinded by science bit] and so we're both happy with it." The breastfeeding comments I just said that I got a lie-in so that was great - an extra half-hour in bed because DS was feeding is needed some days. Most people just asked if I wanted to wear nice undies, maybe because I would flash other mothers when they asked (I had nice BFing bras too). Or say that my DH found my undies sexy so why should I worry what they thought.

Random old biddies I just smile at and agree with - yes, he IS very happy being in his sling. Yes, he DOES love cuddles, don't you wish all boys did? A rod for my back would be great, I have some period pain right now and could do with that for pain relief thanks. My husband loves babywearing too so no, no complaints from him. He's a good boy, yes - oh you mean sleep, well he's sleeping well, thanks for asking. (He did almost six hours straight last night, that's good.)

And no, we don't want more children. We love DS very much but don't want another just yet, we want a big age gap. Good that your children like each other but I know many children with a 2-3 year gap who hate each other, I want my children further apart. Or closer, but that didn't happen so we're leaving it for now. Oh was that too much information for you?

DS has a #4 hair cut and wears all blue and we're STILL told what a beautiful girl we have. Last one was three months ago so maybe people are getting the hint. Don't know if you've seen his pictures but he is SUCH a young man and it's a shame we had to go the all-blue route just to try to stop the girl comments. He now wears more funky colours but give him a cardigan and he's a girl again!

[christy]

at the lice comments Cailin!! I would have said "we keep his hair dirty and greasy to keep the lice away, you know they only like clean hair?"

[Nelle]

Ahhh yes. As if I'd cut Riv's hair! Mmmm, so scrummy and celebrity-child-like. Tell you what I get:

Blonde hair! Who does he get that off?
- I had an affair.

Cloth nappies...blah blah blah (I don't really listen).
- Sometimes disposables explode.

It's irresponsible not to immunise your children.
- Jesus wasn't immunised.

I do try to reason with people as much as I can, an honest question deserves an honest answer. Although, sometimes to say 'yes, yes' in a soothing tone is the best way to deal with old biddies, they feel they've been heard, you get left alone, win win.

If someone was really having a go though, I suppose I'd just say 'we're really happy with the way we parent'. Or 'our parenting choices aren't up for debate today'. They're good blanket comments.

All the best, make sure you practice your lines of choice though, so they come naturally at the moment you need them, and you're not like 'umm ahh...your mum'. Or something. And don't doubt your parenting because of people who haven't won the right to be heard, stick with people who share the same philosophies for your discussions, so you know it's safe to share your concerns.

[paradise lost]

Are you STILL BFing? You should really stop!

OMG! Are you not!? Is that even SAFE? Aren't you worried about him/her!? Is that good for his/her development?! (basically anything anyone can say that is "bad" about BFing can be turned around for this).

Oh, thank goodness you're here to give genital advice - i REALLY need to do something about my pubic hair!

I'm going to, in about 3 minutes when he's finished...

Still only one kid eh?

- Yes, i had a severe anal prolapse after the birth, so we're waiting until the dangling bits are back where they should be (NOT a slight against those unfortunate enough to have suffered any kind of prolapse, it's just i've not found ANYTHING people would rather not talk about more than anal prolapse).

- What!? He's an identical twin! His brother's with his dad, we swap each weekends...

- I know! It turns out we've been using the wrong hole all this time - he's pretty much a medical miracle himself!

Bx

[Sammiejane]

- I know! It turns out we've been using the wrong hole all this time - he's pretty much a medical miracle himself!

Oh that killed me!

when people asked me when i was pg why i didnt find out the sex of our baby i found that it was getting annoying explaining over and over that its no more convenient to not find out... so i started saying when people asked me what i was having ... A Horse/elephant/monkey what ever took my fancy that day and explained that it was necessary to find out so that we could make necessary sleeping arrangements and also have tailor made clothes...

Anyway i have a general apology to make to all those that dont cut hair... i, in the past thought that it was weird and would raise my eyebrows at a friend that had a little boy who never had a haircut and at 4 yrs old had hair to his waist.

I dont understand the reason behind it, sorry for hijaking, (if someone could explain i would appreciated it) but i am sorry that i made comments, as i know how annoying it is to be told things about the way that i parent..

The ones that i get a lot are, why dont you switch to FF before she gets teeth, cloth nappies yuck, how could you do that to your baby (to which i reply how could YOU do disposables to your baby, chemicals etc)

[Smoke Jaguar]

Sammijane - I don't think there's a 'hair philosophy' I can help you out with! My own reasons are various: he looks cute with long hair, it's curly and seems to be growing out straight and I"m hanging on to what could be the last vestiges of curl (maybe until puberty, maybe ever!), the curly ends are still sunkissed from last summer and it looks interesting because of it, because I'm not going to give him his first haircut so that strangers might know he's a boy (he doesn't care what he is or what sex he looks like right now and whoever doesn't know doesn't need to know), I don't want to take the chance that when it's cut he'll be really upset and I would like him to have more understanding when the time comes for him to make that decision. As I have curly hair, I know how to manage his hair, so DP's argument about it being messy is bollocks, because now he knows the magic a bit of conditioner can weave for that 'problem'! Also, DP's argument about it getting in his eyes is now redundant because his fringe is now long enough (no thanks to MIL's trimming it - neatly - in summer without my knowledge) to tuck behind his ears and sweep away... he he. I think that covers it in our case!

[beckles]

Maya i am lucky to have older boys who have been parented the same so people don't question me very much if they know me well and my children because the 'proof is in the pudding' my older kids are respectful, happy, responsible and helpful, if i am asked i often say because it works! i think people regret questioning my breastfeeding, co-sleeping, gentle parenting because i have my older two that are just little (well maybe not so little now) darlings! I have said once "your critisism is appreciated, f**k you very much!"
We have to very secured and assertive when it comes to how we parent and i find not many people will question your parenting if you answer with "Of course i still breastfeed" or "of course we still co-sleep", regarding the cutting hair, maybe you could suggest a mohawk for them if they believe it's their business if you cut your child's hair maybe they are looking for your suggestions for them! Looking at them like they are joking helps too, like they are the crazy ones for not knowing it and then saying something like - "oh you were serious". None of my boys had their hair cut until they were 3 years old, i love the silky baby hair, delicious! as for them talking about it being time for another baby, tell them you didn't know it was any of their business but will book front row seats in your bedroom when the time is right so they can 'really' get involved! how rude, i did tell an aunt after i had josh, he was about 1 that i was actually infertile and couldn't have anymore kids and thanks for bringing it up, no-one ever mentioned more kids after that, and then we had Zak and oscar in our own time!
love beckles xx

[Smoke Jaguar]

'Silky baby hair' - gonna use that on DP and see if he's so determined to lose it then!
I have thought about saying I'm infertile - well, I sort of was till my period decided to come back for real last week after 3 years! I think I will say something like "do you want the too much information answer or do you want to shut up now?"