What do you do about negative comments re: your parenting?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Or just be Glamour Mum yourself. I am! OK, I'm lucky, I had my old clothes on before I left the hospital, I kept my great skin and hair until my period returned, DS was OK with me doing lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara while he watched and tried to copy, but the amount of times a less-glam friend was looked down on for babywearing while the same person told me how wonderful my babywearing was (almost identical slings) - seriously. 10 seconds for makeup and all of a sudden your parenting choices are right.

Having said that, a lot of people didn't want to be friends with me when our babies were small. It wasn't until everyone started feeling "normal" again and they could see I wasn't superwoman that some even spoke to me in our groups!

[meow]

Some wonderful advice! Thank you.

I've been able to reflect on it all more now and you are quite right- the comments others make are obviously about them. I am very confident in the parenting decisions we are making so I just need to say that if it keeps up.

[Bathsheba]

I'm a bit like Krysalyss... I tend to say more with my expressions or with my feet than with my mouth. I usually prefer to reserve confrontation until I understand what's really going on. A few times I've been on the brink of confronting someone only to find out that they are on anti-depressants or have some other reason for being totally awful. So if I was in your shoes I'd basically step back... chat to the other mums for a while while listening and learning. If she spoke to everyone in the same way I'd probably not say anything; she'll be her own worst enemy and soon everyone will avoid her That is how it usually goes. If you do say something and somebody over hears and mis-interprets it they that could (not saying it will) affect your reputation and that other mum might avoid you lest you turn on her. Devil's advocate here. The others' are right... but maybe just suss things out a bit more before you commit to locking horns.

[meow]

If you do say something and somebody over hears and mis-interprets it they that could (not saying it will) affect your reputation and that other mum might avoid you lest you turn on her.

That's exactly why I've not wanted to say anything... didn't want to come across as nasty. Some great advice- I'm feeling a lot better about it all.

[leebee81]

I really recommend checking out your local ABA group if you can - my ABA group is much more AP/child-led than my regular mother's group.

[melskys]

hi ren,
dont worry about anyone who tells you you're doing it WRONG, everytime you hear it, just tell yourself that you and you're family are happy and thats all that matters. mother always knows best, no one else can take that from you, they can do what they like with their own children and have no business with yours.
as for the co-sleeping keeping bubs awake, WHAT A CROCK, if anything co-sleeping helps them sleep better! i've read a few studies and co-sleeping babies n parent's breathing actually becomes in sinc and helps baby to sleep for longer and have a much deeper and fulfilling sleep, and also, my DS sleeps for a lot longer when he is in my bed as opposed to in his cradle so dont listen to that ol' bitty.
just do whats right for you.

take care

[Gigi]

I co-sleep and my baby wakes up a lot. According to her it's because "he'll wake up because he knows I'm there" and "he'll get into bad routines if I let him". Someone else said yesterday that if you let them sleep in your bed they'll still be there when they're 7!

I generally disagree, but fairly passively as I don't want to start saying too much as it'll look like a judgment on their parenting. I would just simply like to be able to be honest about the amount of sleep I am getting and get reassurance rather than judgment. I've considered leaving the group but I do enjoy chatting to many of the women there. Should I confront her? I'm not at all confrontational (esp. in my sleep deprived state)- what would I say??

What would you do?

I am in the same boat.

#1 - my bub woke every two hours for a feed at five months - i see that as normal. but yes, my eyes were out on stalks cos of sleep deprivation.

going to mother's group where the other bubs were schedule fed with formula, listening to them talk about the baby sleeping 8 hours etc, was really tough.

i have met mums in my city who are into attachment parenting, but due to distance, we don't often meet IRL. The mother's groups, playgroups we go to, well, i'm the only "alternative parenting" mummy there. (only breastfeeder, only clothie etc you get the picture). So the same thing happens to me, i can't have a whinge about anything going not to plan with my bub, without the breastfeeding etc getting thrown back in my face.

It IS really hard being the only attachment parent in a group, when all the other mums practise controlled crying and other things that are not on YOUR radar.

so, i sympathise, cos i feel like i'm in a similar position - i have to bite my tongue in a million pieces! it's hard to summon up my assertive sayings when i'm exhausted.

we're still breastfeeding at 21 months (been getting "if only you'd put bub on formula" since five months) and because my bub is not keen on solids, i know other people put two and two together and make five about that.

I love seeing my Natural Parenting group friends (that is so rare) cos whatever you do with your child, people there are not judgemental. e.g i coudl't do baby wearing, but no-one there judges me for that.

[paradise lost]

Every baby and family is different. It might be that she has had genuine success with quitting co-sleeping herself (i know DD sleeps better alone now, and has done since about 6 months, though she still comes into bed with me a few times a week i generally end up putting her back in her own bed because she won't actually co-sleep, she just lies there at 4am talking loudly about the picture on the wall or the pattern on the curtains ) and be speaking from a place of caring and deep-held belief. Or she might be a bit of a bully who cannot stand other people doing things differently. Either way her advice is for you to take or leave as you see fit. I find it useful, especially being a very mixed-bag type of parent (for instance i STILL babywear about 95% of the time, but i also withdraw attention and eye-contact for undesireable behaviour, i would never smack, but i DO raise my voice when i feel it's warranted) to take advice with a pinch of salt and before i make any response to consider WHY I DO WHAT I DO. If i do something because i KNOW it is how i want to do it i ignore the advice. If it's something i didn't notice i was doing or don't want to do but am doing because i'm at the end of my rope (like chucking a book across the room that DD threw at my face in her eagerness to have it read to her accross the room because i have a very sore back and sleep deprivation and she'd hit me in the face with another book about 40 seconds before) i take it as an opportunity to whinge about my situation and destress/vent a bit.

My friend NEVER allows her kids into her bedroom (her and her DP consider it their sacred space) and her kids get up and cry/knock in the hall. Co-sleeping doesn't cause problems, kids are kids and do what they do sometimes REGARDLESS of parenting styles and techniques.

You sound as if you've made your peace with this now, to you, you KNOW you're a good mumma!

Bx

[meow]

I've been to a couple of meetings with my local ABA group and it hasn't done much for me. Sure, they BF but so do most of the women in my MG. There are natural parenting playgroups in my area and I think I'll join one of those.

I took last week off for a breather. I do sort of enjoy the group but as you said gigi I'm fairly different to most of the Mum's there. I'm also aware that someones comment can only bother me if I'm feeling insecure so I need to just remember that and let it go. I just wish I could sit there and bag them out for their unresearched practices sometimes

[MantaRay]

I never went back to MG after the first one. I had nothing in common with any of the other mums except a baby!

I love FionaS' advice, that's a great way to put it. You could also refer them to BB - especially the gentle parenting forum!! Or print out articles on co-sleeping to show them the other point of view.

[Rouge]

Life is too short to surround yourself with unsupportive people. There are other ways to find groups and people or children to socialise with. What are you there for? For me playgroup is for Seth, I know a few mum's but its not a time to socialise. I'm polite but we don't discuss parenting, religion or politics I think if someone is being rude, there is a way to assert yourself without being rude yourself, but by not actually saying anything IMO is enabling the "bully". A simple "Ahh well I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, you obviously do whats best for you and your family. Well so do I." And leave it at that. Then if she brings up the topic again, quite quickly and firmly change the topic. And if she keeps it up then simply say "Thank you for your input but I am quite confident and happy with my choices." And if it continues walk away from her or make some excuse to go somewhere else. She'll soon get the hint. I can't stand rude people and I don't have time for them I guess the good in this is that women can be quite b!tchy so at least she's being forward its even worse IMO when a women is condescending in a sneaky or passive agressive away, not only do I find this behaviour pathetic and gutless but also extremely ANNOYING! So I think this situation shouldn't be too hard to manage, just remember that you are in control of your emotional reactions, you can choose not to care what others think. And at the end of the day if you are happy with your choices then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Be proud of how you are raising your child and don't give it a second's thought. Whats not to say there isn't some envy that she could have had the patience to do what you do? Goodluck

[Turkish Delight]

Hey, i get told i'm a bad mother all the time by my folks. Goes in one ear and out the other

Just ignore her. Like i ignore the comments made by my mum and dad.

Don't stoop down to her level.

[Lulu]

I just say "actually Im not looking for advice, thanks anyway'.

[leebee81]

Its a shame your ABA group isn't that great, mine is full of co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended BFing types which I like, makes me feel a bit more "normal" - not that I care anyway really, just sometimes its nice to fit in rather than stand out. I'd probably try the playgroup then too.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Same, my ABA group is awesome in its diversity AND acceptance of that diversity
My response to "he'll be in your bed at 12", or "he'll stay on the boob if you let him" is to say "Good, I hope so" with a smile! Even if I might not want a 12 year old in my bed (not big enough!), the fact that their judgment has not modified my planned behaviour throws it right back in their court so that they can have it (their attitude) and think about it, if they can be bothered. I especially like to say "good, I hope so" when someone (usually childless, sometimes not) says about the co-sleeping "better be careful, he'll get used to it". At best, they'll question their own assumptions, at worst they'll think I'm a weirdo. Either way, it gets them off my case so that they don't disturb me with their ignorance again

[beckles]

Ren, i find just being really confident in what you say and how you say it helps. No-one critisies me about how i parent because i just am very forthright about it. when someone asks about co-sleeping, breastfeeding etc i say 'of course' i do. really confidently. this tends to let them know you believe in yourself and how you parent and they back right off. you ARE doing the best thing for your baby, let them know this by how you talk about it. i find it really helps
beckles