I did go into the homebirth program understanding it was still a hospital calling the shots, if that makes sense. But to me, I wanted to be one more good statistic that would help it move on from being a pilot program into something women could actively choose at any time over a hospital birth. Thankfully, because a safe transfer = success, it was noted down as a positive outcome for the program. Even so, the program isn't taking off because not enough women are choosing it.

In hindsight, I do think I should have hired an IM. I was a little too optimistic. But, and this may sound weird, I do feel empowered by the fact that I can own that transfer was probably not 100% necessary. I admit that freely, I would hate to be an apologist for my own transfer, espousing about how I 'had to' and all of that. I was scared at that point. And I think a part of me didn't want to fight so much anymore. I'd refused all routine testing up until that point. When we arrived at the hospital, and awful, totally cliched hospital midwife told me I had to stay on the bed strapped to monitors for the rest of my labour. I gave her one or two contractions so she could hear DD's heartbeat and in strapped myself and went into the bathroom. That was one of the most thrilling and terrifying and powerful moments of my life, telling her no, and realising I had taken absolute control over my outcome and from there onwards, it was on me. If I could have done that when faced with meconium...but, cant change the past. I would love to know so many things; why DD's placenta was so deteriorated, why she was so overlooked at 40+1, why there was mec. I know with my next birth I won't be so optimistic about contributing to the greater good (the HB program).

Thank you all so much for your thoughts here. I do draw inspiration from you all and I can't wait to be posting here again as a homebirthing mother.