happy and sad......

[MeredithD]

Sorry ladies, I've come in here to vent.
I posted here a few months ago re weaning DS so we could TTC #2
I needed assistance to concieve DS using OI/IUI and went back to treatment in Nov 07. I was still doing some BFing unknown to clinic.
My response to all the meds was a bit hairwire this time around - who knows if it was the small amount of continued BFing or just my body being stupid as always.
Last time I was in here, I had kind of decided maybe I should wean completely but when it came to the crunch, I just couldn't do it. So over the next copule of mths, I just slowly reduced the amount more and more (to around once every other day) whilst still continuing fertility treatment.
Perhaps I was naive but I had the silly idea that once I fell pg, I would just up the BFing again.
Well, last sunday morning, I tried to BF and DS(now 15mths) flat out refused, to the point of full on pushing me away, which he had never done before. It was the day before AF should have been due so I did a HPT and got the BFP I had been longing for, for so long. DS obviously new more than I ! It has since all been confirmed with BTs.
Of course, I am over the moon to be pg again especially as it was not a simple task for us but I can't help feeling a bit deflated about the loss of BFing DS.
I have tried a few times since and he won't come near my BBs. Last night, he was a touch unwell and woke often, very upset. My back up had always been to comfort with BBs but last night, the first time ever, he still wouldn't even look at them!
Had to resort to a bottle in the end which kills me a bit, especially as even pg,I now seem to have reasonable milk supply.
I know it sounds like a whinge and I can't believe I am, as I have been so desperate to get pg again. Had this cycle not worked, we probably would have been pushed to move to full IVF and I had already decided to fully wean, if that was the case given the higher dose of drugs etc.
Just seems ironic that i made such an effort to keep the Bfing going and did prove to myself i could get pg as well,only to have DS force the end now. I guess its Karma or something!
I am grateful, however, that I did not go the sudden wean method. It happened so slowly, that DS barely noticed. I do know, I should also respect the "infant-led weaning" moto.
So, in the end, I am very happy and grateful for the gift of pregnancy (praying this little one sticks!). Just think it may take me awhile to come to terms with what I have lost. Bfing is just so short lived really isn't it?
Anyone have any tips on how they dealt with bubs self weaning?
Again, so sorry to whinge, i just can't help the feeling. It almost like grieving.

[Kitt3n]

Its not a whinge at all, and you are totally entitled to grieve!!!

- but.....

its absolutely amazing that your little DS is flat out refusing you. He must know something is up - looks like he will be the best big brother ever, if he is already looking out for the little one!

Congrats, have a happy and healthy preg and let those boobies get some rest - the little factory wil be kicking in again soon enough

[MantaRay]

Oh Meredith, big, big hugs to you and congrats on your pg.

I know how you feel. I totally get it. DS1 self-weaned at 14 months while I was pg with DS2, and I was devastated. I went through the range of emotions - disbelief (I hadn't even realised when we had our last feed that it would be our last feed), grief, guilt at "causing" this by falling pg again etc etc. So I do know how you feel, and what you are feeling is normal. Bfing is so short a time, and it's a very special time too. It didn't help either that no-one else "got it". My family and friends thought it was a good thing that I wasn't bfing while pg anymore. So that didn't help at all.

Slowly, the "sad" feelings have eased. I still wish he had fed for longer, but I don't feel so bad about it now. I think bfing DS2 has helped with that, as has the old healer, time. And I do take comfort in the fact that it was infant-led.

I am soon to go through the sadness at bfing being over again, this time without a pg, and without any future bfing experiences to look forward to. DS2 has self-weaned down to one very short feed a day, and each morning I know it could be our last feed. I am already feeling sad for the end of my "bfing life", but I guess life will go on and one day the pain of this one will ease too.

Give yourself the chance to grieve. Soon the excitiement of the pg and the difficult, tiring task of being pg with a toddler will probably distract you from it to a certain extent. And then you look forward to bfing bub no 2.

I wish you all the very best.

[BellyBelly]

Oh Meredith, huge hugs to you hon.... what a rollercoaster of emotions for you.

Firstly, congratulations on your much wanted BFP... what wonderful news!

As for the weaning, please do allow yourself to grieve - it's completely normal and okay and you don't have much help from your hormones at the moment with regards to feeling this way... not only have the hormones with breastfeeding changed but pregnancy also! You are bound to feel really emotional.

I found it hard with Elijah when we weaned, I experienced a huge feeling of loss especially since he was so upset about it, then he got sick and sought comfort from his father instead. But now, it's okay because he's back to his old tricks and loves lots of close cuddles and snuggles with me - just without boobs! So all was not lost, we have a very close bond and relationship and I know I will breastfeed again, so I am looking forward to that again.

Let the grieving out, have a cry etc and know that time will heal. You had a special bf relationship and soon you will give Logan the gift of something even more precious - a little brother or sister - something that will give him a lifetime of love and memories - just like your precious breastfeeding memories are to you.

*huge hugs*