Have I said the wrong thing?

[Liz]

Argh, my stomach feels all knotted up and I feel like ringing up my friend to see if I offended her.

Deep down I know there was nothing wrong with what I said, just perhaps shouldn't have said it to her??

She was asking me suggestions for what to give her SIL for her baby shower. And it came up that she was thinking of getting a subscription to a parenting magazine, and I said I've thought about giving an ABA subscription including the breastfeeding class as a present if a friend were to have a baby. It was also in the context of what I would like to be given myself.

Thing is, she is one who struggled with b/f her first, and ended up ff around 6 weeks, and didn't attempt to b/f her 2nd due to the trauma she had with the first. I think I haven't quite figured out how sensitive an issue it is with her. There's no awkwardness with my breastfeeding or anything, but I got a funny vibe when I suggested the breastfeeding class etc as a present. And now I can't stop worrying that I've somehow hit a sore spot

What should I do? It's also made me wonder if we need to be careful about who we give the ABA thing to as a gift. Would people see it as too pushy with regards to breastfeeding?

I hate all this tiptoeing around breastfeeding

[aussienic]

I don't think you have said the wrong thing.. I am also a little tired of tip toeing around the whole Bf issue. Either you do it or you don't. either give it your all or you don't

I think a breastfeeding class is a great idea..

I am not sure if I would ring or not. depends on how close a friend she is.. if close enough you feel comfortable talking to her about it then ring and bring it up and say I hope you didn't get offended>

[Chalalan]

Liz, that sounds like a delightful present - I know I would love to recieve it!

Give your friend a ring and just let her know that you are feeling concerned that you have offended her and that you didn't mean too. It might give her an opening to talk about how she is feeling about breast feeding herself.

Dont beat yourself up too much, breastfeeding is something at least attempted by most new mums so shouldn't be a subject to tip-toe around if we are respectful of others differing ways of doing things (which sounds exactly how you are, Liz!!)

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Hmmm. I know if someone suggested I buy a friend a "how to have a natural birth in a hospital - it's easy!" book I'd be a bit upset. But not at my friend, at my own failure. As it is, I can still get a bit grunty about hearing birth stories (rather than talkative - you know, sounding like a man). That's not to say that I don't want to hear how your birth went, or even that I want it to be bad, I am thrilled when people have good births, but it's still painful.

Then again, why should everything be about me? Why should friends have to think "will she be OK with XYZ topic of conversation involving a baby, which is bound to come up at some stage?"

I'd call your friend and say that you know she had a hard time feeding and that's why you thought she may want to help her friend, as she knows how hard things can be and how important support is. HTH!

[Roryrory]

I have a very good friend who BF her first til 8 months when a nasty MCHN made her question her supply and she put her DD on formula to make sure she was "getting enough". Now my friend is pg with #2 she has decided to go straigh to FF from the start, and when we were discussing this there was a slight bit of tension in the air but it dissipated, because we are friends and she knows my questioning her on her intentions was my way of offering support not judgment. I suspect your friend might feel the same about your suggestion on the gift - a bit of tension when the suggestion brings back the gut-felt memories of her own hard time BF but then calm when she recalls who she is talking to - her good friend who wants to help. But that said I think that for your friend to give her SIL an ABA subscription or BF classes as a gift could some how make her feel if SHE had have done either things might have been different, hence make her feel uncomfortable? But Liz if ever concerned give your GF a call

[Indadhanu]

Liz, I know exactly how you feel. I have a friend who had her 4th bub last September, who has always made it known that she has problems breastfeeding, and was planning to take formula to the hospital. I started to bring up ABA (having heard about them on here) and she got pretty upset, saying how she has had not so great experiences with them, they were too pushing etc etc

In a way I'm glad I asked, because I was going to get her a subscription, but decided against it. I do think I hit a sore spot, an emotional wound... She said she got a lot of criticism from the hospital and health nurse... I am thinking maybe she didn't want to try and breastfeed this time so that she didn't fail IYKWIM?

Anyway, back to you! I probably would want to ring the friend, but not really sure what to say! If you guys have talked about breastfeeding in the past, maybe you could talk to her about how she felt when you suggested breastfeeding classes. Maybe she felt a bit of regret that she didn't get that chance, or that it might have made a difference to her? Maybe your friend has had a not so great experience with ABA (and some people do experience some very enthusiastic ABA volunteers which make them uncomfortable)? I would ask, as there could be a huge range of things going on there.

P.S. I would definaetly support you giving your SIL an ABA membership! What a loving gift, I know I'd love to receive it!

[Liz]

I might pop in and see her today. I know she's home doing a mountain of ironing after her holiday hehe. We have talked about breastfeeding before, so I can definitely bring it up.

She didn't know what the ABA was, so I doubt she's had a bad experience with them.

Thanks everyone.

Rory - we do have a relationship like that, so probably she isn't upset at all, it was probably just an initial reaction to what I said, but it's stuck with me making me feel uneasy. So I might just check with her that I haven't upset her.

[fionas]

I think this is a very delicate area. I had huge problems breastfeeding which my friends all know about. If I have another, I very much intend to give BF another red hot go but if one of my friends gave me a subscription to the ABA, I would feel quite hurt especially if they hadn't mentioned it to me first to run the idea past me. I'm a very proud, "can do" person and would see the gift as an indication that I needed extra help. It's for me to decide whether I need that help - not other people.

That's no indication of the way I feel about the ABA by the way - I think they do a great job. But I also think that part of my problem was that I felt that I would be a complete failure if I couldn't breastfeed which made me extremely anxious about it. I had also read that if you gave a baby one bottle of formula - well, that's the worse thing in the world, they will never go back to the boob - when infact, in my circumstances that would have been by far the most sensible thing to do to give myself a chance to calm down, relax and get back on the wagon rather than being in tears for a week spending 2.5 hours per feed with a half-hour break, then trying all over again. An ABA subscription, as valuable as it is, would have added to my sense of "I have to make this work or I'm the worst person in the world."

I know this isn't the scenario in the post but I think I would tread very gently here. What about a subscription to Bellybelly instead?

I think in your circumstances, I would keep things a bit light and not make it about whether you think you've offended your friend but try to convey the fact that BF is a personal decision. So I would say something like, "I've been thinking again about what you could get your SIL and I think you're right about the ABA subscription - it might seem like you were pressuring her to BF or that you thought she would have problems when it's really up to her what she does. So I think that magazine subscription is a great idea."

[MantaRay]

Liz, I hope you have sorted it out with your friend. I'm sure she wasn't offended.

OT - but I received an ABA membership as a baby gift and it was the best present I got. It made me ring the group leader for information and advice and then attend meetings from the beginning. With Jack's tongue-tie we were having awful feeding problems and if it wasn't for the gift I wouldn't have gotten off my bottom so early to go to the meetings which were a huge help to me. But I can see others' point of view on this, so maybe it would be worth asking first.

[Jennifer13]

Liz, I gave a fellow BB member an ABA subscription for her first bub and she loved it (by all accounts!). Are you a member? 'Cause I would suggest maybe mentioning how you read this great article in their latest magazine, or you had this guest speaker last time who gave some great advice... Kind of introduce it that way. I love the ABA meetings when I can get to them 'cause it's a great mix of Mums and bubs at different ages and I really enjoy being able to see what's coming (and not just in terms of bfing)!

Also, the person I gave the gift to really appreciated it when she was having problems and wasn't finding as much support around her as she wanted.

[StrawberryMumma]

Hey Liz

Just wanted to say I hope you aren't still feeling bad and I hope your friend was ok. It's hard sometimes isn't it! I definitely think that you didn't say the wrong thing, and an ABA subscription is a great present especially when you have such good (and caring) intentions like yourself (If that makes sense? I'm struggling a bit with my wording tonight!)

[Liz]

Thanks everyone. I didn't end up popping in and seeing her, I kinda felt I might be making a bigger deal out of it than need be. Anyway, I saw her tonight and everything seemed ok.

I agree that an ABA sub is great for a 1st time mum planning to breastfeed. I would be more cautious if it was a 2nd bub and there were potential issues.

Thanks again