By who's standards is it too young?

[AJ]

Was that for me widdly? Even if not - i'll take the compliment!

[Fee]

I have been in a mothers group through the CHN in our area and all the Mums asked me how is it possible that i have been married 2 years and have a baby when I am only 18! I laughed and said- are you serious? they all looked confused- i said i am 24 next month (nov) and their jaws hit the floor!! I asked if it was coz i am immature hehehe and they said no i just look really young lucky me i say!!

I'm sure I'm going to get this - looking young I mean.

I won't be a young mum (I'm nearly 27) but I look about 18! I can just imagine stranger's faces when they see I'm pregnant.

[Beckibee]

The whole 'age' thing is so weird isn't it? I mean, I met my DH at 21 (he was 19), we were married just over two years later and everyone said 'you're WAY too young to think about having kids, wait a few years yet.....'.

We just figured we had our plans and we were sticking to those no matter how anyone else thought about it. After being married in mid-2002, we decided to TTC in September 2004 with the aim of a winter 2005 baby. Took us a couple of extra months than we 'planned' but we fell pg in March this year.

For the first few months of trying, only a few very close people to us knew that we were trying. The whole time, we're suddenly getting 'you're not getting any younger you know!' and 'where's my next grandchild'. I was like WTF? One minute we're too young and now we're over the hill by your expectations?

Now that I'm five months pg and starting to show more visably; I have noticed that people who see me in the shops etc (and remember, I live in Logan now which is considered on the lower demographic of Brisbane!) try to check my hand for rings. Numerous people of the older generation seem to let out a breath when they notice my engagement and wedding bands on my left hand.

Keep in mind, I'm now 26 turning 27 just before baby is born. I'm often told I look a little younger but it seems like the current attitude about pregnancy is that women should be in their 30s? God knows, I want both my children by the time I'm 30, or perhaps just a little over if we decide to go for a third child.

My mother, much like Ambah's; had 5 children by the time she was 30 after having her 1st at 21yrs. My sister has a 2 1/2 yr old gorgeous daughter whom she had when she was 21; yet I noticed people looking at her like she was 'too young' in their minds.

Of my little group of friends from school, I was the 2nd to get married and will be the first to have a child. Many of my friends are lawyers or in medicine so children are the last of their thoughts right now; but they know me well enough to not be suprised that we are having a child now. I always wanted to be a mother and whilst I have worked a professional job for three years post getting my university degree; the only job I've ever wanted is as a full-time Mum.

To have a child to nuture and raise is a blessing; I just wish society could see that it is not really an 'age' issue as much as a maturity issue. I can understand why so many people in society are nervous about the number of young mothers; I myself only have to take a trip around a local shopping centre to see groups of five 16/17yr old girls standing around with prams. Where once they might have been clustered around a rack of the latest fashion; they're now clustered around prams talking about their latest child and how the father is no-hoper.

The thing is, all of those girls could be very good mothers just as a similiar group of women in their mid-20s could be bad mothers.

[simone]

Im 21, i have a 2yo and a 4 month old (DS#1 was born 6w after my 19th, DS#2 2m before my 21st) I got married when i was 20 1/2. Thats all i ever wanted in life, and all i have is people telling me how stupid i am, wasting my life. Even my family does the same! Now we are thinking about trying for another in the next year or so, but lately i think my mum has caught onto that, and has been teling me that "she shoudl have stopped at one or two (she's got 6!) she wasted her life having children blah blah blah..." But this is from a woman that told my dad 2 weeks ago that she thinks that she's in love with someone else, she made a mistake marrying him, and he can have the 4 remaining children a home, she doesnt want them. I think i'll NOT take any advice from her!!! (BTW, everyone thik's she's starting menopause, but she wont do anything about it. even my doc thinks so!!!)

[Jackie]

How can anyone even think that it is wasting your life to have children, it must be the most fulfilling experience in life. I have three and wouldn't change anything about that, they are the greatest gift there is.
Isn't it funny how some people want to live their regrets through others??

[AJ]

i know that when i do finally get to announce that i am pg at work there will be al these people muttering - you have this fantastic job what are you doing wasting such a grea oppurtunity, but like many of you mentioned i am one of those that my great ambition in life is to be a great mum...not a career woman...i hate working i hate my job - i know that i do it well cos i am intelligent person who can think...but people just don't get it...

It makes me laugh all you ladies that look young - i unfortunately amd the oposite - i look "more mature" than my years...people freak out that i only just had my 25 birthday... oh we would never have guessed... i could probably almost get away with saying i was 35 and people would probably believe me...used to be great as a teenager but maybe not so much as i get older....

[RUSERIOUS]

I had my first at 21. I didn't consider myself as too young.
My best friend had her first at 19 and coped better than I did. She turned 20 when her son was 6mths. I wouldn't say you could even classify her as a teen mum, technically perhaps but otherwise, no.

It all depends on the person, their responsibility levels, maturity and the like.
My mother had me (eldest) when she was 22. She was married, had a house and owned her own business by that stage.

[carebear]

How can anyone even think that it is wasting your life to have children, it must be the most fulfilling experience in life. I have three and wouldn't change anything about that, they are the greatest gift there is.
Isn't it funny how some people want to live their regrets through others??

This is great that you think that having your children was the greatest experience of your life but you have to understand that not everyone thinks this way. Some people make the decision to not have children and live incredible fufilling lives. I think this way of thinking is just as bad as the things in this thread that people have been talking about.

Having said that I feel bad for people that feel like they are being stared at for being young and pregnant. My best friend had her first when she was 20 and she felt this way. Having said that though I also think that a paranoia comes over people sometimes that makes it worse. I have been out with my friend when she was pregnant and she would comment about people staring at her and they weren't staring at her at all. Society had made her feel that she was doing soemthing wrong and so she started to imagine things that weren't there.

I just think that young mum's need to take the attitude of "who cares what strangers think". I dont have children so i cant relate to what you are feeling but if they want to stare at you let them stare. Who gives a crap! Easier said then done I know but as long as your happy let them think what they want. It has no effect on your life what so ever what these people think. As long as you and your family and friends are happy who cares what others think about you!

Sorry for the long post.....just got a bit carried away after reading this thread.

[*Jessica*]

I am replying without reading everyones posts so sorry if I may step on toes!

I think our bodies may have fertile 'years' because God assumed we would be mature by this age. Sadly, (and let's be honest I know there are many good 'youths' out there but majority rules) teenagers and 'young' people are getting more selfish, reckless, violent, abusive (of other people and their own bodies with drugs etc) every day and therefore that is when we need to consider if bringing a baby into this world by those particularly reckless people is simply... sad and wrong. Therefore, it is fine to consider 'how young is too young' but lets not forget society is unfortunately 'misbehaving' younger and younger. Hope that makes sense...

[*Jessica*]

I need to add one thing to make my point clearer.

We probably cant compare ourselves to the previous generation because they had less 'distractions' back then, and weren't as downright 'naughty' as some of the 'kids' thesedays.

I doubt anyone that has time to post about TTC, Pregnancy and Babies on this wonderful website would fit into this 'naughty' category because if we are talking about it, we care. (just in case I have offended anyone on here - just making sure you know I am not talking about you!)

[Freya]

Its funny how in our Grandparents day being 15, married and pregnant was the norm. But then again I guess life in those days provided a better environment for maturation than today. Didnt have alot of other opportunities either, marriage and babies was the be all end all.

Im 21 in July and expecting my first in October. I will have been married for just under two years by then. I dont really get alot of "arent you to young, live your life first" comments anymore as we were TTC and people got over it very quickly. I also got told that it was good we were married atleast.
I think too young is when your getting pregnant for all the wrong reasons, or your situation isnt stable enough for you to enjoy and be happy about this event. To me, and Im sorry if I offend, if you arent responsible enough to safely use birth control maybe having a child isnt the right choice. That said, I desperately couldnt wait to have babies even as a teen. I think back to those days and Im glad I was safe and waited as Im in a much better position right now to be the best Mama I can be. For me, being married and secure was important. I admire young mums who go it alone and most do a fine job. I think most people just feel that kids tend to have a diverting effect, and that young mums wont ever fulfil their dreams and have maturing experiences. Its a fair enough observation. Im so glad I had a fantastic teenage hood doing all the normal teenage things, travelled overseas and now marriage and babies is the next big thing on my list. All that and Im still considered a teenager.

Guess what Im saying is, its up to the individual to decide how young is too young, and make responsible decisions based on that. We need more loving, decent parents who take raising decent children seriously in the world, but making the decision not to have children because you arent ready or dont want them at all is also a wise choice.

Just want to add that I def think 17 and under is way too young. I would have disagreed when I was 17 because I thought having babies was glamourous and easy but now I look back I was definately way to immature (and people always comment about what a mature teen I was compared to others).

[Diesel]

I had my first at 20. Both h and I look younger than what we are - at 26 I still get asked for ID.

Yes our DD was unplanned, but I think having children young was the best decision for us. We had our next at 21. Now at 26 we have two children who are semi independant and at kinder and school.

I have received comments about young mothers, especially from the older generation. Comments about young single mothers, who are not working and living off the government. They coped an ear-full. I didn't hesitate to correct them that I was actually 21, working full-time, just completed studying, an accountant, and purchasing my own home - oh, and still with the kids father.

I used the receive comments almost daily especially form 60+ woman.

[Ambah]

Just in response to your post *Jessica*... I am not disagreeing with you entirely... but just wanted to mention that I was one of those 'naughty' 'off the rails' youth, or at least semi-naughty... and becoming pg for me was the best thing that ever happened to me, and finally gave me a reason to fix myself up, and grow up.
And now you would never ever recognise me as the person I was in my teens (or in my case, even 20)

Although I understand that in the majority of cases this may not apply, it is possibly for some of these 'reckless or naughty' teens to have children, and have it change them completely for the better.

[Trillian]

I think society as a whole has made it unacceptable to have children in our teen years, but it is true that as we get older our fertility declines. I think the actual age in years is sort of irrelevant to our maturity age IYKWIM in regards to having kids. I was married at 22, baby #1 at 23 and when I have #4 I will be nearly 30 if not there already. When I have #4 I will be the 'old girl' in hospital, the one who all the young first timers will say "gee, how does she go with 4? 1 is hard enough!" I know because this is what I said when I had Lindsay and there was an older woman in who'd just had #5.

In regards to age making better parents well I'll tell you this; When I had Lindsay, there was a girl I know who was 22 at the time and she had her little boy 1 day before Lindsay (they are now at school together). She FF that baby from day one and hardly spent any time at the hospital and was always up the street with her BF, leaving the midwives to look after that baby. When she got home she would leave her newborn son with her mother and go out partying all night doing god knows what (I know this because she was friends with my brothers GF at the time).

Now fast forward 10 months and there is a local girl who was 17, just had her first baby and BF like she had done it a million times before and to coin a phrase 'has her head screwed on right' she is a wonderful mother and is only just 21 now. Unfortunately she is not with the baby's father anymore, but she finished school, got a fantastic job as a trainee insurance broker and is doing amazing things with her life.

So who is to say that the age of the Mum makes them a better parent. Admittedly I don't like to see teenage girls have babies, merely because I want them to experience life a little first as a young adult without the responsibilities raising a child brings, but if that is what they want then so be it.

Sorry for the long post, but this is how I feel about it.

[Katie20]

I have just turned 20 and have a 18 month old daughter Ebony and am 16 weeks pregnant with another girl!. And i feel very judged! I don't know if i feel ready anymore! I was really confident that i was ready to have another until i started getting isn't it to soon!....... Now i am a little scared that maybe i didn't make the right descision. I am sure everyone is making comments behind my back. I don't feel that people are happy for us.
When i am out shopping with my older sister everyone assumes that Ebony is hers and asks her how old she is! Grrrr. I have to admit though i still look 17.

[*Jessica*]

Hi Ambah, I think we are 'fighting the same cause' here if you know what I mean! I do think it is possible for a baby to turn one's life around, and this is obvious in your case. But I worry when that risk is taken and it turns out 'too hard' - and I think that is too common sadly. There were sooooo many times when I thought 'this is sooooo much harder than I ever imagined' and wondered how anyone could manage without a loving, caring environment around them. To me this applies more to situation/environment rather than age. So that could get us into another discussion on 'What is the ideal situation to start a family'??!!

[Lisa]

I had my son when i was 18, and my daughter when i was 21.
I personally believe that age doesnt matter when it comes to having and raising children... it comes down to the individual... whether or not that person is selfish or selfless.

Speaking from my own experience... i do believe that younger mothers can make great parents... I am a great parent of a 12 year old boy and an almost 9 year old girl. I have had a big chunk of their lives where i was their only parent... and i still did it and loved every minute.
Yet, i have known of women, who have waited to have children til later, and they have gone on to hand the children over to the grandparents to raise, because they couldnt handle the lifestyle changes.
AND... I have known of women in their mid 20's when they conceived their babies, who drank, did drugs etc... and again... eventually, the children were given to other family members to raise.

Good and bad parents come in all ages, genders, races and social status.


Sorry to make this a huge rant !!! lol

Lisa

[Artechim]

My mum had just turned 16 when she had me. She raised me alone and I think she did a great job (even if I do say so myself ). I agree with the others that it is maturity, not age that matters.