Back to square one...cycle cancelled

**Possums** · May 16th, 2009, 09:23 PM

Hi ladies, like Wishes has just posted in her thread, sadly my cycle has also just been cancelled, due to no response to synarel..my hormones are just following a normal cycle, and despite an extra week on synarel (which worked for me last time) still no change. My nurse says it appears I havent yet ovulated, so DH and I will try naturally (if I ovulate, she said I might not, as the synarel had surpressed my LH levels), but we just feel so let down and disappointed...we thought after more than 5 weeks since I started the pill, that we were close to egg collection etc.. Plus I am nervous that if we do another cycle the same thing will happen (and my clinic seems to want to try the same thing again, as it worked the first time).

I am posting separately here, as I am now sliding back down into the hole I have been in since the last miscarriage. I feel like I am drowning in this limbo and have no direction, I seem to just survive each day, each week. I go to work, and I exercise etc, but there is no real spark or happiness. I am reading self help books and trying hard to be positive and find joy in simple things and to reflect etc, but it certainly isn't easy. Some days I just want to hide from the world. I know that sounds dramatic

I guess sometimes I just dont want to have to make any effort to be 'up' for people at work etc. I think I picked up when we started this cycle, as I had hope again, and I felt like I was at least doing something proactive towards achieving our goal... now that it has been cancelled, I feel so frustrated and disappointed and right back at square one. I am so grateful I have this site and you ladies to talk to and share this with, because I find people IRL have no real clue what it means ...

Also, next week is when the baby from my second pregnancy would have been due. I can't help but wonder what that baby would have been like. I also have a sense of guilt that the babies have been lost all because of problems with my body (antiphospholipid syndrome and the ectopic/dodgy tubes). I know it was out of my control, but it stll gets to me.

Thanks for the place to vent and be honest about how I feel in this 'me' thread. I know many here are in /or have been in the same boat.

**CeCe** · May 16th, 2009, 09:29 PM

So sorry Possums

I only came near to having a cylce cancelled and I struggled with that. I'm sorry you are hurting.

If you don't feel confident doing the same type of cycle again perhaps push the issue and see what else they can do. It is your right as it's your body and emotions.

**Possums** · May 16th, 2009, 09:32 PM

Thanks Cece..I think I will discuss it more with the clinic. And I know I will pick back up, it's just a rough patch

**wishes** · May 16th, 2009, 09:49 PM

Possums, you know I am right there with you. You are definitely not alone, and I think this website is really great for that. To be able to share your low times (and your high times) with people going through the same thing. Maybe you and I will be on the same cycle when we start again. I really hope all of us gets a healthy baby of our own soon.

Wishes xoxo

**Possums** · May 16th, 2009, 09:56 PM

Thanks Wishes...I too hope you and I can celebrate a successful cycle together soon

**dusty** · May 16th, 2009, 11:10 PM

Sweetie, that is so disappointing for you. I have been there a few times and know how difficult, confusing, shocking and frustrating it can be.
Try not to be angry at your body. Be kind to yourself as much as you can.

I am now sliding back down into the hole I have been in since the last miscarriage. I feel like I am drowning in this limbo and have no direction, I seem to just survive each day, each week. I go to work, and I exercise etc, but there is no real spark or happiness. I am reading self help books and trying hard to be positive and find joy in simple things and to reflect etc, but it certainly isn't easy. Some days I just want to hide from the world. I know that sounds dramatic I guess sometimes I just dont want to have to make any effort to be 'up' for people at work etc. I think I picked up when we started this cycle, as I had hope again, and I felt like I was at least doing something proactive towards achieving our goal... now that it has been cancelled, I feel so frustrated and disappointed and right back at square one.

I guess there are (sadly) many of us who can so totally relate to this. Infertility is called the 'rollercoaster' ride for a reason, there are the highs and hopes and the lows and disappointment. For me, trying to even out the ride over time to be smoother, more consistent and less bumpy is the goal for my happiness. I can really only speak from my experience, but I know it is hard work, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and keep doing, but IME it does get a little easier and while I get knocked down sometimes, I can get back up again and keep focused on my happiness, not the desired outcome, but learning from all the hardship.

This may sound all self helpy, but I can really only offer you what has worked best for me. I hope you can find your own less bumpy path over time. I think the fact that you are so aware of both what is going on and your response to this disappointment shows personal growth and that you have the strength to cope even if you feel like crap right now. Just writing out your feelings above shows you are aware of what is going on. You need hands to hold, ears to listen to you, cyber shoulders to cry on, and hun you have that here.

xx

**Possums** · May 18th, 2009, 11:55 AM

Thanks to everyone's information and suggestions I have now asked my IVF nurse, who will in turn ask the FS, whether we should consider an antagonist cycle, and/or whether we should try lucrin instead of synarel otherwise...it is good to have extra knowledge. I have found with so many things, if you don't ask questions, or push for tests, noone bothers to tell you, or suggest them!

**MsPink** · May 18th, 2009, 12:49 PM

Oh Possums - I am so sorry about the cancelled cycle. Been there done that. I know it's difficult. You begin to build up your hopes only to find them snatched away before you even get a chance.
I was also going to suggest swapping to Lucrin. Always set your phone alarm to ensure you are always doing it within 10-15 mins daily.
Believe me when I tell you that I know how you feel, it's so hard.
You are entitled to bad days...but only some...
What keeps me going is to keep looking forward..always have a plan to look ahead to.
Take care sweetie..