N2L another hug here as well. You have been so awesome with advice for not just me but everyone in the AC thread. I pray that the decision never happens and that you get what we all want for you x
i am hearing you, in a big way n2l. 6 years of ttc, 5 stims & 10 transfers down - it is so draining and all consuming. to be honest, i try and not think about it too much. just go along with the next stim, the next FET - just keep trucking along, hoping that sooner or later one just has to work. right now im gearing up for stim #6, with PGD and im actively not thinking about this one too much either. especially the cost... eeek. im not sure how i will actually make the decision to stop, i keep thinking that while i am producing eggs/embryos - how can i stop? but i know i will get to a stage where its enough, it really takes its toll physically & emotionally, not to mention the cost... my poor mortgage has suffered too. i do have a few more years left i know, but i started ttc when i was 28. im now 34 and i can see what else i can try to get a different result. its just so hard.
recently i have been able to consider what life without children might be like without getting that cold, panic feeling. some days i think i will manage. i try and remind myself what i do have, friends, family, a house, a great relationship etc. some days this works, some days it doesnt. we have talked about what we might like to do if ivf doesnt work for us, things like travelling, changing careers, moving to a warmer climate etc - but not sure if this is just to give us something to look fwd to or if any of it will actually happen! i hope i never have to find out, but i think i have been ttc for so long now that it would be naive of me not to try and prepare myself a little. not that its going to make it any easier to take. maybe it will. i dont know. maybe i will turn in to the crazy cat lady. i hope not.
I was in this situation (at crossroads) late last year, early this year. We had been ttc#2 for 3.5 years (3 further m/c too) and were referred to IVF. Undertook 3 IUI cycles, which all failed. Took a break and lost some weight then went back to the FS to commence IVF (something I was not open to initially). First cycle was cancelled (lack of response) & I just didn't know if I could do another cycle but wanted to see if I would respond on a higher dose of meds. At that point, depending on what happened with that cycle I was ready to throw in the towel. Emotionally I was spent & even if I did respond to the meds, I had no idea if my body would carry the pg to term given my history of m/c. (5 confirmed in total). In addition, my DD was being dragged to appts at the clinic (some just bloods, other internal u/s) and I felt bad that she had to endure this.
Physically I was sick of being a pin cushion and not knowing for certain what the next cycle would bring.
For me I *knew* in my heart that there was another baby, I just didn't know when that baby would join our family and whether it would be through IVF or natural. Extremely lucky (for lack of a better word) that this cycle worked.
i don't know how you decide when to stop trying N2L, i keep moving the goal posts, i said we would stop at the end of this year but now the end is nearly here im not ready, i have only had 2 attempt this whole year and the first ended in a miscarriage and the 2nd we got nothing to transfer once the pgd showed such bad results.
i guess for me im saying to myself that if we get an embryo that has normal chromosomes and it doesn't stick then thats where im drawing the line but i reserve the right to change my mind again if we hit that point !
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this is so hard
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