Telliing your child their father isnt their father

[Cocolove]

My daughter is 8 and DH isnt her biological father and DH keeps putting it off and constantly has excuses not to tell her and im getting frustrated she needs to know!

Ive been with DH since she was 14 months old, she hasnt seen her bio father since she was 2yrs 2months old!

I need some help what to say & how to get DH to tell her??

[Maruschke]

RD my mother also told me when I was 8, and I have a very similar situation to your DD. It really didn't bother me, I considered mum;s DH to be Dad and that was that... the fact that someone else contributed the genetics didn't bother me then and still doesn't now.

I would wait though until DH was comfortable with it.

[beckoes]

Not the same situation really, but my sister and i have different fathers, she is 14 years younger than me and my parents (being my mum and step dad) were stressing about how and when to tell her. I decided i would tell her and i think she was about 5. she didnt really get it then, i think she was just too young, she asked a few questions and was happy with the answers and that was it, but i made sure it was talked about from time to time, not big D&Ms, just comments and answered any questions. it was never an issue as we were always really open about it and we never think of each other as half sisters.
IMO its better to do it sooner rather than later, so its no like you have been keeping from her, but you also have to make sure DH is ready to tell her, maybe sit down with him and have a proper chat about it, make him think of the down points of leaving it too long compared with telling her now when she is likely to be more accepting of it.
He might be worried about saying things like ''im not your real daddy'' to her, but there is no need to say that, there are different ways to word it that still gets the facts over without taking anything away from thier relationship.

Im thinking about the relationship i have with my step dad, although i think of him as my dad. i have from about 6 years old, There are different meanings to the word 'father'....in my mind a father is the person who loves you, cares for you, gives you structure in your life and a role model to look up too.....not the DNA which created you. if you can translate that to something an 8 year old can understand it might be a good place to start.

[LionsandBears]

I've not been in your situation, but why does your DH have to tell her? Can you work out together what you want to say and sit her down together and tell her.

Maybe:

Remember, when X used to visit? Well Mummy and X used to be a couple. Then we broke up.You were made with him and mummy before we broke up.

Dh is your dad because he loves you and raises you. But genetically, he's not. Mummy and DH met after you were born.

I'm sure someone else can help with the exact words. She'll just need to know he loves her as she is, which I'm sure he does

[Maruschke]

I had no idea what genetics were at that age. I just knew that mummy and daddy made me, and then dad left soon after, and later mum met someone she loved who raised me and loved me as his own.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

I had no idea what genetics were at that age. I just knew that mummy and daddy made me, and then dad left soon after, and later mum met someone she loved who raised me and loved me as his own.

Yep my understanding was something like that too. I never thought dad was my dad, I just always knew.

[DaydreamBeliever]

As you know I believe she needs to know. and as you I wasa child who grew up with my stepdad(dad) He will always be my dad. I know how DH must feel because I know the bond he has with DD. But in the end he is theone who has been therefor her and shewill see that in time. There may be tears but as youhave said she will figure it out if you don't tell her soon. I can also be there if you want me to or you can get a counsellor to sit in on it. All will be okay xoxo

[Queen]

No advice just hugs

[Ozziehoffy]

You know, to be honest, I would answer her questions honestly as she asks them. Kids are naturally curious and as they get answers they adapt and move onto the next thing. I was adopted and I don't remember ever being told, so it was always just a "known". My first reaction re: your DH was he is so scared of losing her. The thing is... I highly doubt that would EVER happen... it's a much more special thing to have been chosen by someone than to "have to love" me... get what I mean? However, having said that he might need to prepare himself in years to come for the "you're not my real dad" line in the middle of an argument. I think that if she finds out of her own accord later on that it will cause and wreak a whole lot more havoc than it ever would be answering her questions now.

[Cocolove]

However, having said that he might need to prepare himself in years to come for the "you're not my real dad" line in the middle of an argument. :

This is on his mind a fair bit, shes going through a major attitude problem at the moment so shes bound to say it!

We told her once, when she was 3 and she went out to the plumber & asked him if he was her other Dad, we never kept it on, it was forgotten about and here we are!

DH loves her to death and I know he is petrified, he actually wants to never tell her, hence why I hate bringing it up with him it tends to turn into an argument!

[shellbell3]

Is there any books or websites that could help give ideas how to word it and explain it in terms that she will understand?

[misty]

I do think this is something that should probably be explained by you, or with both you and your hubby. I don't think you should wait any longer either. If you leave it too long, it will become a real big deal, and she will feel betrayed and lied to. But if you tell her now, and make out like it is not a big deal, then she will likely agree with you that it isn't a big deal either.

[~Lashes~]

just want to say and good luck.
i was 7 i think when my mum told me my dad, wasnt my "real" dad, they were never together, and she had been with my step dad since i was about 18 months. i remember she sat me down with my baby book, and showed me a photo of a man in a army uniform standing between grandma & gramps, she explained how the "step dad" thing worked and how the guy in the pic was my "biological father" but also made it absolutle clear that it did not change a thing, i had asked my step dad when i was 3 if i could call him dad, he was wraped, and if i wanted to continue to do so, it was my decission. he wasnt there for "the talk" but gave me a hug and asked how i felt after i "knew"
good luck, and your right, she dose need to know! i remeber i felt a little wierd for a few days or so, but after that, life went back to normal and i never realy thought about it untill i was a tennager and mum started with the "ill send you to live with your father" i met him for the first time when i was 14, but still refer to my step dad as dad, even tho he and mum have been split for arround 8 yrs now.

[Cocolove]

She doesnt remeber her bio dad I think was too young!

My mum has kept a photo of her bio dad for when the time came, which i guess is lucky, I can get a pic off FB though, we have 14 mutual friends considering we went to school together!

What do I tell her and what do i leave out, ill share a quick story you know where its all coning from

I met X in high school when I was 16 we got together and when I was 17 I fell pregnant with DD, X decided the baby wasnt his and refused to have anything to do with me, he orderd DNA testing which of course came back positive, he was in and out of her life until she was 14 months when I met DH and moved 4 hours away, I then got summoned to court and he had fortnightly supervised access this went on for 5 months when she 26 months old he decided with his uni & work he didnt have time to travel to see her so stood back and hasnt seen her since.
He now has another child, emily, shes 2 now do we tell DD1 about her sister? Hes now an architect in Melbourne and his GF is a Lawyer! (whom I hope isnt a BB member, if you are then im sorry & please speak up)

[OceanPrincess]

Yeah I bet there's a picture story book... Go check your local library!

[FabFiona]

I have no experience with this specific situation however I do have a suggestion that might help before you have the conversation.

I'd recommend drafting up a question and answer document. Try and anticipate the questions she will ask then write down the answers you will give. If you do this with your DH then that might help him deal with his fears about telling her. You might feel a bit dumb writing it down but it really does help. There would be nothing worse than her asking a question that you don't have an answer to. Or worse, you giving an answer that DH then contradicts you on.

Good luck.

Fiona

[Jennifer13]

Maybe look at the language used by adoptive parents to explain things to their adopted children for your DD and DH? Thing is, he is actually her Dad in every way that matters, he just didn't biologically contribute to her conception.

Is there some reason you want to do this now/soon? Because I think making sure your DH is comfortable with how it's going to be done and when should come first. She's still only young, it's not going to make a difference if she doesn't find out for six more months, a year, whatever, while you and DH get prepared.

GL.

[Cocolove]

Is there some reason you want to do this now/soon? .

GL.

Yes! She has started to ask many questions like why isnt dad in my baby pics, why isnt his name on my birth announcment & how come it says I have a different last name etc etc