DSS has come to live with us permanently VENT

[xXHopeXx]

i've only just seen this. I can imagine how frustrating this is for you.. Have things changed at all? I hope they're getting better

[Miss.B]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this . I agree with n2l 100%. Counselling really does help. I have been getting couselling now for a number of years, mainly to deal with the loss of my firstborn son and then things just kept adding to that. My DF has 3 grown kids from his 1st marriage. One daughter that I don't have anything to do with, and the other 2, although I love them to death, at 20 & 24 rely so much on their dad, I feel like my needs come last. I have become quite resentful how I get treated sometimes (mainly as DF choses to have a relationship with his daughter who treats me like I'm a nothing) and as my psychologist told me, resentment kills relationships for good. Get some help hun, you will be able to work though it. Your hubby just wants his son to be happy, and he proabably feels that if he goes back to his mum, he failed somehow. Big hugs xoxox

[Cass72]

Well.... things have been holding together (JUST). DSS is at CIT (just starting his second semester). He hasn't been the easiest person to live with and only "pulls his weight" when DH is around. The CIT course is only 2 and half days a week and, well frankly, I don't think that he should be able to laze his days away on the couch while both DH and I work full time and DS1 goes to school full time. I asked DH today how long we were going to give him... he sent me this email:

About DSS, some of my thoughts.

If I push him hard, like my family did to me when I was his age, it put me down the completely wrong path and it took some time for me
to get back and the Navy did that for me.

Next is I have only had him under our roof for nearly 8 months after nearly 8 years of being apart, and as much as I dont make a big song
and dance about it, its a big deal.

I want a home that is a comfortable, happy place for all the members of our family and I think with DSS its going to take alot more
patience on our part to guide him in the right direction. He has never had this level of support and from his perspective we are just having
a go at him and it just may drive to a distance to far away.

I know I will reach a point where I will want him to make a decision or I will give him his options and they may come with how serious he
is taking on the work load of this course, but I am happy to play it out in the short term. At least we are only paying per fortnight, although I
havent had a look at the policy behind taking him out of the course yet.

This is just some of the things going around in my head but I hope you understand, I feel like I am the meat in the sandwich, I totally understand
your point of view, but I also know where William is at, along with me just being happy he is around now, its not easy.

Have a good afternoon my love, see you when you get here, I am going off to the gym.
Love you
XXX

Oh, it does just sound so reasonable... This, however, is the email I wanted to send back.....

Okay.

The truth is that your son is a lazy f***. He’s never had to lift a finger ever in his life and that’s not about to change. Whenever he’s wanted something he’s been given it to him by his mother. He sulks like crazy when someone tells him like it is. Your father understands that – even if you don’t.

DS1 had to just accept the changes when you came to live with us. You might think it was different but for the first 10 years of his life it was just me and him. You made it adamantly clear that he had to fit in with us not the other way around.

What’s so different.

William made his own choices about who he wanted to live with. Up until the end of last year he had no intention of living with you. What changed at home? Maybe once his mum and partner got married, he was told to pick up his act or get out.

At best he ignores me. At his worst he treats me with disdain. He only talks to me nicely when he wants something.

He talks over me when I’m talking to you to get your attention.

How long are you going to tread carefully around him in case you push him away? Long enough to push me away? Will I ask you to make a choice between me and DSS?

Probably not because to be honest if I asked you to make a choice, I think you would choose him.

Of course I will not send that, nor will I say anything.

Vent over with.

[Catastrophic]

Oh babe, hugs xox Maybe some of your feelings should be sent back to him or told to him (in maybe a blunter way) xox

[Rivlas]

Set some rules.
These need to be on the days he is home

He does his own washing, puts it on the line then puts it away
Gets tea ready one night a week
Is given some household tasks. This is not being hard on him, this is teaching him life skills when he moves out
No extra spending money unless he earns it
He cleans up after himself........like everyone else in the house does

In all households boundaries need to be set and examples given. You cannot favour one child over another regardless of what happened before as you are now a unit and need to learn to live as one.

Your DH is not doing him any favours by letting him do nothing.
In the 'real world' things happen, it's how you deal with them that build you as a person

[anney]

Cass, the points in your email are totally valid too. You just have lots more emotion in there! I think you should redo the email so that when dh receives it, he will think everything you said is "reasonable" as they are great points to be making.

[maybebaby2012]

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, it's not always easy to love a child that is not your own, in the same way you do yours. And when you resent someone, everything they do seems 10 times worse. I have to say, your husband sounds like a good, good man. It's so easy for people to just wash their hands of their offspring as though they never existed when a relationship breaks down, for him to be so committed to your DSS really shows his character and heart. I really hope you are all able to settle into a new dynamic that is comfortable for all of you soon. I'm sure in but a few years he will be ready to move on and your family dynamic won't feel quite as strained. Best of luck!

[Cass72]

thanks ladies. I just need to know that I'm not being unreasonable. I hate being so resentful it tears me up inside.

[trishalishous]

Set some rules.
These need to be on the days he is home

He does his own washing, puts it on the line then puts it away
Gets tea ready one night a week
Is given some household tasks. This is not being hard on him, this is teaching him life skills when he moves out
No extra spending money unless he earns it
He cleans up after himself........like everyone else in the house does

In all households boundaries need to be set and examples given. You cannot favour one child over another regardless of what happened before as you are now a unit and need to learn to live as one.

Your DH is not doing him any favours by letting him do nothing.
In the 'real world' things happen, it's how you deal with them that build you as a person

Agree times 100! Im not in a blended family, but Ive seen the results (BIL) of 'gently gently' to not 'push away' a teen (30yo BIL spends 23 hours a day on the computer or sleeping, the other hour is either hanging out with 'mates' or playing music. No high school certificate, no job, FIL still supporting him etc)

[Cass72]

Maybebaby - DH is a wonderful husband and father. I do feel horrid about it all because like he says he de feels like the meat in the sandwich. He doesn't go on about it alot but I do know that he suffers guilt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) about not being there for the kids.

Rivlas & Trishalishous - I think there are some great points there (actually I like all of them). I don't hesitate in asking DS1 to do things around the house (tonight he's cooking dinner as we won't be home til 7).

Anney & Catastrophic - sometimes just writing (and not sending) is enough. I get out my thoughts (aka resentments) without repercussions. I can (and have in the past) said things in haste that would have been better left unsaid.

Thanks everyone for your hugs and support - I can never quite get over how you get such positive support on the Belly Belly site. The support is always honest even if sometimes not quite what we want to hear!

[KimB]

I'm sorry but I would have sent it. It would have been a big wake up call to your DH. If you are a family then EVERYONE has to work at it and your DSS should have been made to follow the house rules right from the start. hunny it can be so hard