Being on the opposite side - I have children who's father was abusive, we live in another state and he has basically no interest, he doesn't ring, he writes sometimes and visits for a day about once a year.

He has no individual relationship with my children, that was his choice, I haven't stopped anything, in fact I tried for months to push him to do different things, but eventually he told me the truth, he didn't want the responsibility financially or otherwise. He showed a limited interest for a time when his girlfriend came to live with him, i know it was her pushing it and I know she didn't know anything about the situation of how his kids felt about him.

If he were now after a couple of years, to try and have a relationship with the kids that would be fine. But personally I would have direct problems with him bringing a partner straight into it when my children don't trust him as it is. He talked about bringing his girlfriend to visit before with them, the reacted very fearfully, since they didn't trust him, why would they trust anyone he chose to be with.


In my personal opinion, the kids emotions are going to be what you have to completely listen to right now. They must have been told some awful things about their father, might not have any good memories of their own, and this may be very frightening for them. They may reject you in particular, from my experience kids tend to divert the negative emotions that they feel toward the live away parent onto their partner, it's easier and less scary to be angry at them.

Going very very slow would be a great start, and probably respecting at a distance that they need time to develop that relationship with their father before you may get too involved.

That's just my opinion anyway, due to my experience with it and advise I have been given by a few child counsellors in my own situation.
Best of luck! Children are worth it.