Give me the reality of having 4....

[Marlene]

I'm in a slightly different situation with my four, as there are large gaps in their ages and the oldest has now left home, but I just want to say that if you are even considering another, then maybe it's just meant to be I want another bub, but it is a big decision. I try and talk myself out if it, but I just won't be swayed, LOL. Hmmm, now to talk DH into it. hehehe

[Curly]

Car wise, its not just having 2 cars or a 7 seater thats the issue. We will get another car down the track, but this is how i see it. If you have 5 people in the family, then you can have the big car (like our 7 seater) and then a smaller to mid range car as the 2nd one, because 5 people can still fit into it. (for eg Mels brother and his wife have 3 kids, and they have a larger people mover style vehicle, and then a Toyota Echo as the second, and they can fit in that (tightly though).
If you have 4 kids, I see you then need two 7 seaters, cos I feel it is pointless having another car that cannot transport everyone in the family.

Why not just get two 7 seaters?
Cost, and also, when we had 2 cars until recently, 1 of them hardly got driven (like once maybe twice a week?) so it is hard to justify the extra cost of a big costly 7 seater for not much 'drive time'.

I hear what you're saying there...but we just figured that one car will be DH's "go to work" car and I will have the one with all the carseats. Whenever we go anywhere as a family even now, we have to take the big car because DH's care won't fit 3 carseats across the back now...let alone 4 kids.

A carseat can easily be transferred over to DH's car if there was ever a reason one of us had to take 1 kid somewhere and the other had to be somewhere else with the others. We didn't think it necessary for both of us to have a car that will accommodate all the kids. Whoever has the kids on whatever day gets the big car.

Re sharing bedrooms - I was happy for them to share but DH says no way, he really wants them to have their own rooms.

Re the weather and living indoors...that makes sense to me. We just moved to the Sunshine Coast from Melbourne and I spent a lot of time inside in winter because it was too cold to go out!

Maz and Trillian - thank you for your comments. The village...yes, I'm trying to build me a new one! And Maz, of course the love you have for your children gets you through. I use those exact words to girlfriends of mine who are pregnant for the first time. In fact, one of the things that really annoys me is that people tell you all the horror stories about having kids and nobody ever talks about the amazing love.

It's not just the lack of support DH and I have that is giving us pause for thought with Number 4...it's me and my own feelings as well, both physical and emotional. I have certain things in mind that I really want for my children and family life that I never had myself which I have not detailed in my post and I cannot deny that stopping at 3 will help me put those into place much more easily.

DH was always happy with the idea of 3...he wanted each child to have two chances of having a sibling they got along with! It was always me, as one of 3, that wanted the even number of 4. But life happens and I'm allowed to change my mind, I figure.

I am worried that the "ghost" of Number 4 will haunt me...will we regret not having Number 4? This is something DH has mentioned more than once. But this is why we haven't set a decision in stone yet. My first post was very much stream-of-consciousness writing...these are all my thoughts at the moment...I think I know what the decision will be but it hasn't completely floated to the top yet, IYKWIM.

[Fleur]

Well, I can't comment on the reality of 4 young kids as I have much bigger age gaps.

But as to the practicalities...ATM we are in a 3brm townhouse...it is squeezy but we manage.
And I totally agree with Trillian...they cost as much or as little as you want. we always manage to find enough. One sport / activity per child is enough for us - but that depends on the family really.

WRT cars... if you had a second car that wasn't getting used much... it wouldn't matter if it wasn't a 7 seater, would it? Our second car is a 5 seater (very old Laser) DH uses it for work, if we go out as a family it's in the Kia. We don't need two 7 seater cars cause we all fit in one IYKWIM.

Mind you - all of this is coming from someone who is trying to convince her DH NOT to get the snip just in case we might have more... he says it's not practical for us & I say well we would have stopped at two if that's what it was about

Wishing you LOTS of luck with your decision

[The_Gudism_Master]

My opinion in regards to 'middle child syndrome'....the only way you can avoid this so called problem is by having 2 kids.

I think middle child syndrome isnt the correct term....it should be 'middle children syndrome'.
No matter what, 3 kids, 5 kids, 10 kids.....there is always going to be a first born of the family and the 'baby' of the family, and kids in between will always feel this 'middle child' issue. Generally speaking, the first born and last born or baby of the family get considered 'special' by some parents.

Just my opinion........from a baby of the family!

and to add to this, being from a family of 3 kids, I personally believe that 'middle children syndrome' is sometimes a product of the parents too. Some people cannot hide their favouritisms to particular children, and this I think can cause middle child syndrome.
Of course this isnt always the case..

[The_Gudism_Master]

odd number meant no hung jury on decisions
'

haha never looked at it this way!!

[The_Gudism_Master]

WRT cars... if you had a second car that wasn't getting used much... it wouldn't matter if it wasn't a 7 seater, would it? Our second car is a 5 seater (very old Laser) DH uses it for work, if we go out as a family it's in the Kia. We don't need two 7 seater cars cause we all fit in one IYKWIM.

yeah the more I think about this the truer it sounds. Having two 7 seaters is an overkill and/or a luxury for the rich!

[Trillian]

You are dead right about the whole middle child thing being a product of the parents doing as well. I know I am like that with DD1, who happened to be the middle child when we only had 3 of them, but it would have happened regardless of her birth order because we are just too much alike and we clash terribly LOL.

Whatever you decide to do will be the best for your family. All we can do is tell you how it is for us and you and Arimeh have to be the ones to take that leap of faith and have another child or stay with what you know and complete your family with 3 children

[Stevie]

i am one of 5 kids, but my older sister never lived with us she lived with her Dad, so really i was the eldest of 4..
my brother (second youngest) is servearly disabled which never made things easy. But i couldnt imagine it anyother way. mum was always broke but we never went without. Being the eldest of 4 wasnt bad.. i did cop the worst of everything tho, i was the guinea pig iykwim.. like now my sisters could do the same thing that i did at their age and mum doesnt loose it quite as bad, but ah well.

my DD is only 2 and a half months and im already thinking of another one.. not yet obviously but im planning on when i do.. DH will need to be talked around coz he only wants one, but i know once she gets older and he gets a bit more of a connection (he works away and doesnt see her as often as he would like)
I say to myself that 2 will be it, but i said that one would be all for me. but if i had 3 i think that would be it, i dont want to drive a van and 4, to me, seems like alot of little lives to be responsible for.
But who knows what the future brings.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Ok, I am seriously just running out the door..... but will be back later babe!!!

We have the van, and a little hatch back. No need for 2 big cars. If its just one of us, and a couple of kids, we take the little one. All of us, we take the van. Not one worry so far!!

We are poor.... ... but make it work.

The kids get one sport to do each year... and they usually change each year too!! So they have all tried a few different ones. Works well.

Public schooling isn't exxy, i dont think.... and pass on uniforms and use clothing pools... even the rich do, trust me!!

I shared a room, until 16... then mum and dad put a caravan in the back yard!!! We put a pretty garden bed around it., I had a dvd, tele, fridge... but lived at home... LOVED IT!!!!!
But I agree, long term, you need space, not neccessarily bedrooms.... just a 2nd loungeroom makes the world of difference!!


Gotta run...... BBL.......

[HotI]

I was number 4 child, and i reckon i'm ok!

My eldest sibling was 5 when i was born. I loved having lots of kids around. We didn't have a lot of cash, we shared bedrooms (bunks are great), and it was great.

[sconeonamission]

friends of the family have 5 kids (grown up a bit now tho, they are 27, 25, 22, 21, 17 and then they adopted one a few years ago and she's 16). They had a mini bus, yep! an 18seater! That was the only car they had. When my sister and I were at their house, and they needed to go somewhere, we'd fit in!

One place they lived at was a 2 bedroom unit. Their loungeroom was in the other bed room (not the master) and the loungeroom became the kids room. There was a room divider of a big dressing robe (the kind you hang clothes in) to separate the boys from the girls (at this stage, there was only 5). The girls had bunk beds, so did the boys, and the eldest (also a boy) had a single bed.

As far as I know they all got along well! And we were over there alot! I don't think the middle child has any middle child issue. They are a pretty close-knit family.

I don't know how they did it, but for the most part, they were catholic private schooled

[HotI]

friends of the family have 5 kids (grown up a bit now tho, they are 27, 25, 22, 21, 17 and then they adopted one a few years ago and she's 16).

Sounds like they have 6 kids then, not 5.

[miss kris]

I am second oldest of 6 kids!
I loved growing up with all of them, all from the same parents etc...not an extended family. We all kept eachother entertained, plus we are all close in age, is goes like this:
Jess 25
Me 22
Mel 20
Alex 19
Kelsey 17
Anthony 15
But soon it will be closer lol Mel turns 21 in April and Alex turns 20 in May Kesely 18 in Oct and Ant 16 in August...

WOW! There are heaps of us!! lol
But yeah, i digress, it was fun growing up, we never got bored, we all stuck together, one in all in kind of thing. Plus if one of us got picked on at school, the other five would stick up for the other.

Plus the micheif we got into! lol! We were so naughty

oh and we were all private schooled, shared rooms, (that was fun with the bunks, oh the memories) annnd we never really went without.

[Feijoa Mum]

I am the eldest of four kids and I am currently pregnant with our number 5.

Obviously I am going to speak in the positive for large families as this is my experience.

Growing up I -
shared a room with my sister - coped with this until teenage years set in then my brother moved into converted half garage so I got my own room.
Didnt have all the new must haves but looking back I had what I needed and didnt miss out really
Fought like cats and dogs with siblings but this is par for the course isnt it?? We are a close family now and all live with 15 mins of each other

My family -
We are in a four bedroom house, which means at the moment youngest two are sharing and baby will be in with us but we fit so for now its fine
We have a 7 seater car which to be fair doesnt have any storage when we are all in it but if needs must we take the other car (hubbys work car) as well for the stuff we cant fit in. We are currently looking at one of those covered in little trailers though.
The noise is at times unbelievably loud but in saying that I now HATE silence and on thouse rare occasions I am home alone I have to have radio or tv on loud to compensate the silence.

Money wise some weeks we are stretched a bit thin but like me the kids dont miss out and we with careful planning and budgeting we still manage a trip back home to NZ every year.
I am the queen of organisation and lists. A must when shopping is also a menu plan.

I have found the that now my boys are getting older they are costing more but I guess I am lucky that my ages are spread out a bit so I dont have a big teenage hit in one go! They are at public schools and the uniform outlay is the biggest expense but hand me downs are big in this house.
For example my eldest is starting high school next year and to get him uniformed/booked/fees and in shoes we are looking at about $600-700. A bit ouchy but I do get some of that back with the tax refund.

If you are thinking about it in my opinion the seed is there and will only continue to grow (hence our number 5)

Hope this helps in your decision.

[maz]

Just re-reading this thread Ive had a chuckle. I remember when J and I discussed kids we said ONE! yep just the one

It was because we came from big families.....there's 5 of us on my side (and all the ring in's we use to have) and there are 7 on J's side.
As much as we hated being in such big families we also loved it. Shiat....we lived in a caravan for years at one stage..all of us with a canvas hot box oven on the side. We went camping at Conny Point all the time, dad took the boys on shooting weekends, went fishing at Port Lincon.........worse thing is....I only speak to the youngest of the boys, my eldest brother died a few years ago, I barely know my other brother and I have had nothing to do with my sister in 9 years.
J's side of the family is completely the opposite, they have to know whats going on all the time (over kill ).

So in saying that...we have both sat down as said what we both hated about growing up, the relationships that we formed with our siblings and parents and are trying to improve that with our children and I dont think it matters how many chidlren you have, you still try to do better then how your parents parented you.
eg.....we both went to public school and have decided to send our children to Catholic school. My children dont get hand me down clothing, not even uniforms if I can help it. I learn to budget, we get family tax benefit for a reason now dont we , we dont earn alot. I hunt for special's. We have trip's to Melbourne and have now sworn that once a year we will have families holiday's. This year is was QLD via road trip which was ace, next year is Tassy.

Life is what you make it and its for living and not thinking of the what if's.......dont have regret's.

[Curly]

Arimeh what have you done? This thread is talking me into having 4! My poor legs...

[maz]

Arimeh what have you done? This thread is talking me into having 4! My poor legs...

I was actually thinking...your poor woo hoo

[Curly]

Yeah that too...we make big babies...

This is why I'm concentrating so much on the practicalities (as well as my physical well-being), because DH and I would have a football team if we could. We adore our babies.

DD was wide awake at 3.00am this morning and grinning and smiling at us and DH says "isn't she beautiful?" I wasn't quite so tickled by her at that moment in time but I couldn't deny it. She's just a doll. And there was DS, curled up in between us, all fuzzy blonde hair and long lashes and pouty lips, sleeping peacefully.

Sigh.

ETA: DD just came up to me with my new expensive Christmas moisturiser smeared all over her cheeky little face. I followed the trail back and it's all over my nice clean doona cover. 3...yes, 3 sounds good!