I suppose in my case, I don't care if I'm seen as the bad one. I know my limits. I've spent time with them before and whilst painful, I did it for my Dad. Since the boys died, I don't have it in me to pretend to play happy families, especially when the 'grandkids' are hers, not mine. So I don't do joint things. If Dad wants a relationship with me, then it's only with my side of the family.

Neither of her kids so much as sent a card when either of the boys died. They are not my family. Life's too short to waste it with people you don't like. I won't do it and I don't apologise for it. I'm not deliberately hurtful about it. It's not like I say, I don't like her kids, so I'm not coming. I just say I'm not up for it, if you want to catch up, we'll do it with people I feel safe with. If they ever tried to hijack me by having people there without telling me in advanced, I'd leave if I couldn't cope. We try to do things at ours to avoid that.

It's not easy or pleasant, especially when people want to cast you as the bad guy. Remember, dysfunctional families need someone to be the scapegoat to keep functioning as they do. If it's not you, it will be someone else.

People learn to adjust to others' boundaries. They resist for a while, but they adjust. It's just basic behavioural training.