Both my parents are remarried. Whilst I adore my stepdad, I loathe his kids. They've treated him & my Mum abominably. Not a fan of my dad's wife's kids either. We have nothing in common and I find one of them a nasty cow. I avoid attending any joint family events.
Hmm see I think this is where I am headed L&B and am a little unsure how to handle it. My dad and step mother have been together since I was 12 so pretty much most of my life. I have always had a rocky relationship with her and it has only been in the last 10 years or so that I can actually see that that is not my 'fault' for want of a better term. Obviously everyone has their side of any story but I really am the scapegoat of the family ITMS.
I find this really interesting. My Dad remarried when I was 18. They'd been together a couple of years. She has always been up/down and blames everyone else for their issues. Then they seperated right before Christmas. She is the ONLY Nanna my daughter knows (she knows MIL as Grandma). My biological mother is deceased.
I never wanted step mother to be called Nanna because she isn't my mother. But I gave in. Now they've seperated she seems to think she has a RIGHT to be involved in my daughters life. Note, she doesn't want to be involved in my or DHs lives - just DD's. I find it all a little difficult to swallow and am torn because DD loves her. But to be honest, if I didn't have DD, I'd not have anything to do with her now they've split. I dislike how she is continuing to treat my Dad (who is no saint) but not really sure how to tackle it all now.
Sorry to hijack. Step family dynamics can be so difficult. I have no idea how to deal with.
Don't apologise MG - it is tricky especially when there are undesirable behaviours that are present. I know I am thinking I will be depriving my girls of grandparents and feeling sad that they will miss out balanced with the need to make sure that the girls are safe and happy and not being convinced that the behaviours that are directed at me will not be directed at them ITMS. As it stands we only catch up with them for social outings, so coffee every fortnight for an hour or so. This is fine but DD is asking why Nanny picks up other grandkids from school and not her and why she doesn't get to go there to be looked after.
My step siblings are very demanding of their mums resources, time and money wise and dictate all terms of social engagements/presents etc. They really do not both to even behave with common courtesy ie don't RSVP to invitations or even respond at all and there are no consequences. Which is fine if that is how things are for all but this is not the case. I have taken to not talking about any of it as I am seen as being difficult or arguing ITMS.
I am struggling ATM as I have steps wedding to attend to which my kids have not been invited but others in the extended family have been. I really do not want to go but feel pressure to go and stand there accepting this bad behaviour. My Dad won't say anything and has even made the delightful statement that he will choose her over his kids. Mute point really as that has been very clear for a long time lol. Jumbled thoughts - I apologise but am struggling a bit with it.
Thanks Wannabe and EJ - great that you have such a positive experience too, fab for you all. Hilariously I remember being really excited when SM hit the scene as I had no guilt to anyone else as my mum had passed away several years prior. I do wonder how much of the organising the woman does of catching up etc just generally??? Cos I am sure my Dad wouldn't bother unless we did.
L&B - You are right and I appreciate you sharing your experience. I guess I have been hanging in there hoping it would change and semi accepting it. The main thing for me is wanting a relationship with my Dad, but he is clear that is not something he needs or wants. My main focus is the girls and making sure that they are not exposed to the same experience of two sets of rules and then left wondering what they could have done differently/better etc. I certainly try to live by the life is too short rule too. Except for this.
I do have my mum on the other hand who has had a couple of relationships since seperating from my dad. I stuggle with the way she goes about it, i have no problem with her being with anyone else but she's just not very smart about it.
So again exactly as i did for my dad for some time i refused to meet him (which she hated) and then when i fianlly did it was ok. Mum ended up moving to live with him and was hours away, luckily my DS1 was quite young then and DS2 was just a baby. She ended up back here and in my home when DD was born and started searching around for another man in her life. It became difficult when i had to make rules about bringing random men to my house who might happen to run into my kids. This didn't go down welll and then when there was someone who stuck around for a bit i let my kids get to know him and now he's gone. The last thing i want is for them to have memories of their grandmother with different men all the time.
So a little off track but not, it's tricky especially when young ones are involved.
I suppose in my case, I don't care if I'm seen as the bad one. I know my limits. I've spent time with them before and whilst painful, I did it for my Dad. Since the boys died, I don't have it in me to pretend to play happy families, especially when the 'grandkids' are hers, not mine. So I don't do joint things. If Dad wants a relationship with me, then it's only with my side of the family.
Neither of her kids so much as sent a card when either of the boys died. They are not my family. Life's too short to waste it with people you don't like. I won't do it and I don't apologise for it. I'm not deliberately hurtful about it. It's not like I say, I don't like her kids, so I'm not coming. I just say I'm not up for it, if you want to catch up, we'll do it with people I feel safe with. If they ever tried to hijack me by having people there without telling me in advanced, I'd leave if I couldn't cope. We try to do things at ours to avoid that.
It's not easy or pleasant, especially when people want to cast you as the bad guy. Remember, dysfunctional families need someone to be the scapegoat to keep functioning as they do. If it's not you, it will be someone else.
People learn to adjust to others' boundaries. They resist for a while, but they adjust. It's just basic behavioural training.
My Mum's partner is awesome. I think she was in her early 50s when they met, he was in his late 60s. So his kids are much older than us (one of them just turned 50). We've met them once or twice but have nothing to do with them (not for a bad reason). My Dad died when I was 19, so Mum's DP is Grandpa. I asked him if it was ok (the kids wont have another Grandpa on my side), and he was honoured. In saying that, if they split up (they wont, they're awesome together), I think he'd drift away and probably wouldn't have much to do with him, not because we don't love him, just because it's not a blood connection.
My Mum's ex-DH (married around the time Dad died - they'd been split since I was a kid) had two kids closer to our age, one I was quite good friends with (went to the same school), but they weren't our brother and sister. I only have two brothers and we have the same parents.
Weird isn't it. Guess it would be different if they'd been together since we were little or if we'd lived together.
I was thinking of starting a thread about those who are step-children just the other day, weird timing!
My mum remarried when I was 13 and my step-dad kind of resented my siblings and I so we never really had a close relationship. He is awesome with kids though and he makes a fantastic Pop to my kids - they love him more than any of their grandparents! It warms my heart to see his affection for my kids, I would have loved to have been shown a little of that side of him when I was growing up with him.
As for step-siblings, I don't really have anything to do with my step brothers (there are three of them) now that we have all grown up. My step-sister is my age and we get a long well, but she lives 4 hours away so we don't see each other very often. It's hard trying to describe the step-family's relationships with the kids though!
I have such a strange family for my kids to grow up in lol! My Dad only wants my kids (and I) to call him by his first name, so I'm not sure if they have worked out that he is their Grandfather. Sorry kids!
I don't know if I can help but I have a step-brother and step-sister on my dad's side and they are 1 and 2 years younger than me. I actually went to high school with them so have known them a long time and my dad and step-mum married when i was 18. My step-sister has 2 girls similar in age to mine. They all love each other and see each other as cousins. My step-brother is the problem child We get along ok but don't go out of our way to speak to each other except at family events (actually neither does his sister).
On my mums side I have a step-sister and 2 step-brothers, the same age and a bit younger than me. I went to primary school with them so have also known them for a long time even though my mum and step-father have been married for 10 years. Once again I get along with them all and they have kids similar ages who also treat each other as cousins. I get along best with the middle step-brother, the youngest lives a long way away and he is the black sheep. He and his wife don't visit and we don't really speak to them.
While none of it is nasty I would probably never speak to the ones that i don't get along with again if the step-parent and mine split or one passed away. The others I probably would keep in touch with as we do get along. I find that I just keep things at a pleasant level and don't rock the boat. It's just easier that way.
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We get along ok but don't go out of our way to speak to each other except at family events (actually neither does his sister).
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