Sounds really rough Faye! How difficult for all of you. I am on my phone so can only post briefly now, but I will come back and make a proper reply later.

Main thing is staying as calm as possible, it isn't DSDs fault even though she is causing you trouble and its stressful, she needs to feel loved and I think it would backfire if you suggested she makes the decision when she is older.

I will write more later, but know that you are doing an awesome job of sticking in there and continuing to provide a safe place for her is really important. It must be so confusing for her, so breathe and try to put her behaviour when she is with her mother aside, unfortunately you probably have to accept some hard stuff and try to just enjoy the lovely girl who is there when she does come over.

ill be back xx