should i go to brothers home

[diannescruffy]

Hun to answer your question about forgiveness, I also have been through trauma in my life and no forgiving someone doesn't mean you forget what you went through but for me once I forgave these people it brought peace in my heart and I was able to move on in my life and not dwell on the past and what they did to me. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to tell the person you have forgiven them, it really doesn't matter what they think. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you can forgive your brother and as I said previously it doesn't mean you have to see him, it sounds like your resentment towards him goes back many years but you may be able to find peace in your heart to be able to move on in life. I know that if I hadn't forgiven the people that caused trauma in my life my children would be suffering because of that today. I can still think of what happened to me without hating the person who caused the trauma. I hope this has made some sense.

Regards,
Dianne

[diannescruffy]

Sorry just another point I wanted to add, your brother isn't the one who caused your trauma, do you feel the same hatred towards your ex who actually did caused the truama? I presume so and also presume you have nothing more to do with your ex. If you can't get past the fact that your brother didn't help you I would just cut all ties with him, but you still need to find that peace in your heart otherwise you will live the rest of your life this way.

Regards,
Dianne

[skeetaboat]

Sorry just another point I wanted to add, your brother isn't the one who caused your trauma, do you feel the same hatred towards your ex who actually did caused the truama? I presume so and also presume you have nothing more to do with your ex. If you can't get past the fact that your brother didn't help you I would just cut all ties with him, but you still need to find that peace in your heart otherwise you will live the rest of your life this way.

Regards,
Dianne

I agree with Dianne. I can understand that you don't enjoy your brother's company if doesn't care or show any compassion about your struggles, but why do you feel like your brother was obligated to resolve your family's problems in the first place?

[sue1386]

soem good points. i have done alot of emotional work around many things inclusing cutting ties and forgiving, but as you say it needs to be done over and over. even with the work it can still trigger huge trauma.

my ex was very violent and dishonest professionals call him a master conartist, so of course i have nothing to do with him.

we tend to live alot in the present but this has triggered alot of trauma for us.

i guess i am kinder than my brother and to suffer so much alone with a brother nearby is a huge trauma for us even if you want to work it as maybe wrong that why did we ahve the expectation taht if we were suffering so much constnatly that my brother would show some care or releif. tahts your values its not ours. for us it has been and is a huge trauma.

we build our lives, we do our best, with so much going on , but truly those who have support do so much better those who are spared some experiences and helped ot have basics when raising children can do so much better.

dealing with this topic is not helpful actually to me. its just retraumtising me. but thank you so much to those of you who had very on track helpful words such as the comments from smiles 4u about how you thought the son was coming back from war or something, with this fuss, and that yes its not worth going because it is a huge trauma to suffer that much and have a brother right near by who didnt help releive comfort when the chips were so down .we go on with our lives and try to understand , forgive, focus on what we can do , but when it is in our face and pops up again it still carried huge trauma for us. it woudl be great to work towards jsut accepting that thats how he is.

i'm glas you ahve alot of good form your mum and can see other hurts in context. we dont have good from my brother just huge pain of how much we went through right under his nose with no response or udnerstanding or releif.

those who went through terrible times are in shock about governments or neighbours or people who did noththign to stop or help. it is a huge trauma.

[sue1386]

it is quite interesting how i do keep trying to go there infrequently and be distant from my stories and grief and have a neutral experience and so far it has never worked or been to my benefit. its always set me back.

maybe that day will come one day. i dont know. i think its sad when one suffers so much and the other shows no ability to care or understand or give support and comfort or kindness. and cant be heard.

[diannescruffy]

Hun I'm sorry if this is causing you trauma all over again but honestly if you can't talk about it here with us why would you even ask the question in the first place whether you should go to your brother's house? Obviously you shouldn't. I also went through trauma all on my own, NOBODY helped me but you can't live the rest of your life blaming a person for not helping you, no one is obligated to help another. I can tell you now I have come out a better person. If anything I would be feeling sorry for your brother for not having any compassion or empathy for others. I hope I'm not out of line by saying this but it seems you still need to deal with the trauma that your ex caused you in the first place and forget about your brother and not dwell on what he did or didn't do.

Regards,
Dianne

[sue1386]

those are your opinions and your expereince but its not mine.

i asked the question and appreciated the answers. but then it comes a point where its better for me to think about other things and not keep turning to this topic that is traumatic for me, soothing supportive understanding empathetic answers are helpful with trauma. . the body heart brain doesnt work well when we keep focusing on trauma. we are better off not thinking of it for hours and letting our brain heart etc calm down and getting on with other things than focusing on trauma on and on.

all that is your opinion. i hve dealt with things for years counselling and on and on. actually living in the now and building my life or relaxing is better fo rme. i do not need to keep going over things or deal with my ex as you say but you can have your opinions and moving away from the past and towards a better future is a process that can go on for years.

whatever you went through is your story and how it effected youa nd how you recovered is your story and i dont feel its comparable to mine. i'm not going into more detail to explain that but i'm sure at the core we do agree on some things.

thanks everyone for your responses. i cant beleive i still consider going even when i kow what its been like for me before and its better for me to spend my day differently.

[smiles4u]

:yeahthat:

... thank you Dianne, i was thinking the same thoughts but i didn't know how to put it into words !!

I know it is hard to swallow but as Dianne has mentioned it's so true, even though someone is our sibling they are under ' no ' obligation to help us (sad but true )

Sue it's clear you can't so far get past your brother not giving or at least offering you help when it was very much needed ... he seems to be far too caught up in his own world and i can't see how after all this time that will change. For you it's doesn't mean you have to accept this but for your own sanity you need to just see how things are and the sort of person your brother is and for you not to put anymore of your energy into something that won't change.

If your children have used the word " hate " towards to describe how they feel about their own Uncle ... and you have described maybe some dislike towards your own brother well i think it might be time to cut the ties (i understand easier said then done, i know from experience) ... Is their a reason why you can't ?? Because clearly he is causing you all some level of discomfort or grief on some level ... think of it this way because he is your brother you are under no obligation to ' have ' to be in his life and he in your's & your children.

Do you have strong ties/relationship with his wife or children ?? ... Is that the of one of the reasons you are still in contact with him ?? (So sorry just guessing here)

Sue is there anyway you can get past your brother not helping you whether it be past, present or future ? ... and Do you actually ENJOY being in your brother's company ??

Sue we are only here to help and not judge you i so hope you believe that

Hugs to you again Sue xOx

[skeetaboat]

Forgiveness is accepting what the other person has said or done that has hurt you, and choosing to let it go. We can't forgive someone for hurt that we hold on to.

I felt very resentful towards my mother when I was younger because she didn't help me out of a situation I was in as a teenager. Many awful things happened to me because I couldn't get myself out of that situation, and I would often lie awake at night thinking 'why won't she come and save me from this?'. I was very very angry and hurt and I blamed her for so many things that flowed out of that situation, and the years of recovery it took to get my life back to 'normal'.

The hurt and anger stunted me emotionally and made me depressed and kept me from having a relationship with her. Every time I saw her it hurt like hell. There were tears and tears and tears. It wasn't until I stopped holding her accountable for my decisions, choices, situations and experiences, that I could start to heal. Yes, she could have helped me out of that sitation, but until I figured out that it was not her obligation to save me from my own choices in life that I could forgive her for not doing what *I* wanted her to do to make *my* life better. I still do see her as a bit of a selfish person now, but I don't let it hurt me deeply, I just see it as part of her personality. Now we have rekindled our relationship and she is one of my biggest support persons, and I can see that there are many other good qualities to her personality.

Forgiveness is deciding not to persecute someone for what they have or haven't done, and it releases all manner of hurt and trauma. Sometimes, when things are deeply traumatic, you have to make the choice to forgive over and over, whenever those feelings rise up.