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Yep my understanding was something like that too. I never thought dad was my dad, I just always knew.
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As you know I believe she needs to know. and as you I wasa child who grew up with my stepdad(dad) He will always be my dad. I know how DH must feel because I know the bond he has with DD. But in the end he is theone who has been therefor her and shewill see that in time. There may be tears but as youhave said she will figure it out if you don't tell her soon. I can also be there if you want me to or you can get a counsellor to sit in on it. All will be okay xoxo
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What a hard situation for you all to be in. I really feel for your DH and perhaps he needs a little more time. Does it REALLY matter if she does not know? (just throwing questions out there) She has known no different all these years.
Have you thought about how your DD will be affected? How she WILL feel neglected from her bio donor (I say donor because your DH is her dad) for all these years - Questions like 'Why doesnt he want to know ME?' I knew from a young age i had a step father, stopped seeing my donor at 4, still have vague memories of him, your DD wouldnt though. During my teenage years, I often threw the whole 'I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!!!' in their face. Left home at 15, to 'try' to find my father, and they *couldnt* find him (I think he denied contact or whatever) But then I thought - Hmmm, I lived in the same house for 13 years, HE never made any attempt to come see me afterwards, why should I make contact with him? HE does not deserve MY time.
I personally think the bio donor has no RIGHT to your DD at all. HE ABANDONED HER!!! That is the cold hard truth. Whatever excuse he gave you was just that - an Excuse. He was not man enough to help you support your DD when you needed it.
I also think there is going to have to be a compromise on how you both tell her and when. If the 2 of you cannot agree on something, I would wait until you are both ready to face the reality of questions your DD is going to have and the emotional side, because she will feel all of the above emotions, anger, hurt, neglect, abandonment etc
I do like what Kimmi said about how your DH CHOSE to be HER dad.
Good Luck with everything.
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Unfortunately the problem is that a secret like this cannot be kept in todays society. She will find out at some stage, the only thing that can possibly be controlled and make a difference to her reaction is when and how she finds out. If no-one sits her down and talks to her, she will find out in her own way and it won't be pretty. If not when she turns sixteen and wants a drivers liscence (which requires a birth certificate), then when she is a young adult and wants a passport. The longer it is left, the more it is going to hurt.
As much as I feel for your DH in this Raising Dancers, he is actually being very selffish about he's refusal to tell. He is more concerned about how this is going to affect him, and how she is going to react to him, then what is in her best interests. It is understandable he is getting wrapped up in his own problems, but he is going to have to face his fears at some point, and the longer it is left, the more likely his fears will actually become a reality, because she will start to 'blame' him for not telling her earlier.
I actually think given your DH's emotional state in regards to this, that perhaps it is best for you to talk to your DD alone about this. Explain that your DH always has been and always will be her dad, but that she was actually conceived by another man. Explain to her that her father (your DH) loves her very much and be honest that he is scared that she may see him differently or treat him differently, and that he is scared of loosing her now she knows the truth. And that the reason he is so scared is because he loves her sooo much and to him SHE is his daughter, no matter what.
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Hi, I haven't read all the replies, but feel I need to add my experiences in.
FIL is not DH's real father. He & MIL got together when DH was 6, so he's always known, but our kids don't.
FIL will always be DH's dad. No question about it. We've met the donor once. Thats enough. We do try to keep in contact with his younger brother & sister from his dad, but its not really the same...
We have started to let onto DD1 since talking to the other 2 siblings. They know they have another aunt & uncle, dad has another sister who died (a few years ago now) & that nanny had a boyfriend before poppy & thats when dad was born.
One day it will click, but if it was possible, I'd never tell them. I know they need to know though.
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i just wanted to add my bit lol
my dad is not my brothers dad, my mum fell pg at 17 and he stuck around for a little while but then they split and my mum met my dad when my brother was about 2 and moved from melbourne to perth, they told my brother at about 8 and told him he had the choice to contact his bio dad and to this day my brother hasnt wanted to. my mum has lost complete contact with him now so we have no idea where he is or if hes even alive anymore let alone if my bro has any other brothers or sister. my bro has always call my dad 'dad' and always will.
just a thought, would your dh want to legally adopt your dd. it got to a point where my bro was going to school and what not and even though he was using my dads last name his birth certificate said a different story so just to make it official when my bro was about 13 my dad adopted him. it didnt change anything except his last name, but it also reassured my bro that my dad does and always will love and be there for my brother. any boy can make a baby but it takes a real man to raise one.
i hope this make sense
and i hope the talk goes well. Goodluck with it all
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I think it would be a really good idea to see the advice and guidance of a child pychologist... to help you, your DH and your DD. They would be able to help you find the right words and explanations, and tools to deal with any possibly fallout. It doesn't mean you have to take your DD - just you can seek some guidance. just a suggestion.
Good luck
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It gets more complicated here..
X wouldnt sign the birth cirtificate for DD unless I used his last name, which i refused too, he wouldnt even let me hyphernate it, it was his name or nothing, soooo DH signed it, therfore his name is on her BC as her father! Yes our lawyer knows about this, so does child support they called and said i would have to change it if i wanted maintenance so I told them to tell him to stick his money!
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Maybe look at the language used by adoptive parents to explain things to their adopted children for your DD and DH? Thing is, he is actually her Dad in every way that matters, he just didn't biologically contribute to her conception.
Is there some reason you want to do this now/soon? Because I think making sure your DH is comfortable with how it's going to be done and when should come first. She's still only young, it's not going to make a difference if she doesn't find out for six more months, a year, whatever, while you and DH get prepared.
GL.
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Yes! She has started to ask many questions like why isnt dad in my baby pics, why isnt his name on my birth announcment & how come it says I have a different last name etc etc
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You have almost my exact situation!
I have never met my biological father (he left my mum soon after I was born) but my mum has been with my 'dad' since I was about 1. My dad has always treated me like his daughter, prob just like your dh does.
My parents hadn't told me but I found out when I was 9. I confronted my mum and was very angry at her for a long time - fir no other reason than she hadn't told me.
I had found out through my baby book and noticed I had a different last name to that which I had always used... It was a really hard way to learn the truth and I had a few emotional issues re it for a long time to come.
From my perspective I would encourage you both to tell her together. Make sure she feels loved and reassure her she is no different to any other kids you have together. I had asked my parents that we not tell my brothers and sisters - they are obviously all younger than me and as we were young I was scared they would think of me differently if they knew I wasn't their actual sister. they obviously all found out as they were old enough to understand.
I'm not sure that this has helped but I would strongly encourage you to tell her before she finds out herself. It will be so much easier coming from you.
xx.
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No advice just hugs
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You know, to be honest, I would answer her questions honestly as she asks them. Kids are naturally curious and as they get answers they adapt and move onto the next thing. I was adopted and I don't remember ever being told, so it was always just a "known". My first reaction re: your DH was he is so scared of losing her. The thing is... I highly doubt that would EVER happen... it's a much more special thing to have been chosen by someone than to "have to love" me... get what I mean? However, having said that he might need to prepare himself in years to come for the "you're not my real dad" line in the middle of an argument. I think that if she finds out of her own accord later on that it will cause and wreak a whole lot more havoc than it ever would be answering her questions now.
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This is on his mind a fair bit, shes going through a major attitude problem at the moment so shes bound to say it!
We told her once, when she was 3 and she went out to the plumber & asked him if he was her other Dad, we never kept it on, it was forgotten about and here we are!
DH loves her to death and I know he is petrified, he actually wants to never tell her, hence why I hate bringing it up with him it tends to turn into an argument!
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She might use that line, but perhaps not really mean it. To be honest, since she is asking questions, I wouldn't delay any further at all. Delaying the truth just felt like lies to me, IYKWIM?
Maybe your DD is going to take this much better than you both realise. Sounds like your DH is a great father and she recognises that already.
Best of luck with it, I've been thinking of you.
xoxo
M
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I realise I'm comming in late, I just wonder what course have you taken?
My ds has a different bio-father as well his last name is different than the rest of the family. Dh has been his Dad since he was 14months, last time we saw his bio was when he was 18months. We did hear from him once he was 3 but not since and ds is almost 13 now. I still have the same mobile number which we deliberatly have not changed as his bio has the number.
From memory we sat down and told ds that his Dad was not his bio about 3 or 4.
We have never kept it from him. He knows and has accepted dh is his dad. Of course he has asked questions from time to time, and about 4 years ago there were plenty of questions when he met a family where the children saw a lot of their bio and wanted to know why he didn't see his. That was tricky. All I could say was he was a good man ,and he was, he just made stupid decisions and no doubt he loved him but I couldn't answer his question cause I really didn't know why he didn't see him.
Together we told him my side of the truth and told him that his bio would have a different story as there are always two sides to every story.
Once he was 10 we let him decide which surname he wanted to use as his is hyphinated and he chose my maiden name. He wanted to use Dh's but had trouble spelling it so chose mine.
We explained to him that Dh although he did not share genetics, is his Dad,
He is the one who patches up scrapes and rubs the bruses,
tucks him in at night and
plays with him,
he knows his favourite colour and
all his likes and
dislikes and
protects him when things go wrong.
He loves him with all his heart even though
he is not techinacly blood and
that blood really is a state of mind.
Dh would give his life for his if thats what was called for.
We have to date not had any "your not my Dad" type comments from ds.
I can understand the apprehension.
I Hope no matter your decision, what ever you decide go's well.
Just to add DH was addopted from birth and was told very young as well, which really helped our decision. DH has a strong sence of who he is and where he comes from and has never met his bio Mother or wants to know her. Which is sort of sad, but "the people who raised me are my parents" his words.
Good luck.
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Still havnt told her *sigh*
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Oh Hon it sound like not telling her is upsetting you. For this I am sorry.
I am firmly in the tell her group.
I can only really guide you with the direction my IL'S and we took.
Both my dh and ds have a strong sense of who they are. They both know the truth and were told as soon as they were old enough to understand. For each child this time is different. To be honest I was the one with reservations on telling ds the truth. But for us it has worked out.
Ds has said to me in the past he's pleased to have a Dad that chose to be in his life.
I just asked him if this is still how he feels he said yes and that dh is his Dad and his bio dosn't count as he has not been in his life since he was a baby and that he dosn't even remember him.
If you do tell her;
I'm sure your dd will have plenty of questions for you, as long as your open and honest I don't think you'll have any problems. Don't forget to mention to her that her Dad has chosen her to be his daughter. (Very important I feel) He chose her to be his daughter, he could have chosen any little girl but he chose her. Ds said this makes him happy knowing that his Dad chose him.
You have my Love and support with this delicate issue. No matter which road you take.
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