BW's rules for the family who wants to be supportive

[butterfly_warrior]

Go for it, SK. I'm in Sydney and would happily volunteer to strangle your sister for you if it becomes necessary. You'd think they'd start to get it with time, but it never seems to happen.

Hang in there - the end result is so worth it!

BW

[Samandpoppy]

BW
Was very amused by your offer! ha. Thank goodness for my brother, who just said oh, bummer. what a great man.

[Possums]

what a great thread...great points. I have a great family but it's others around me who hit me with the stupid insensitive comments.
I am still getting the "it will happen when you arent thinking about it, you just need to relax and put it out of your mind"...yeh right.

[Buffy]

I know this thread is a bit old now, but I need to vent. I haven't told ANY of my family. My mother is an idiot who successfully 'planned' her offspring (to the minute) and who doesn't even believe in PMS. Worse she is the least discreet person on the planet, no really. My auntie did IVF and I personally heard my mother announce (and go into huge amounts of detail) to 1) stranger at the bus stop, 2) waitress in a restaurant, 3) every family member and friend. Further, she feels it is her God given right to have grandchildren and asks me at EVERY available opporunity when DH and I 'plan' to have children. I actually avoid seeing her alone as then I can't leave, ignore her, have something urgent to do lol! She also make comments about my cousins like "you'd never know they were IVF" and "they look normal" -

[Brunette]

Thanks to BW for starting this thread. I have got lots of laughs but also quite a few jaw drops, too.

Buffy - In some ways your mother reminds me of mine. I love her to bits but she tells anyone from the milkman to the baker what's going on in her life, which of course also includes everything going on in mine! It took some stern words from my partner about this being a private issue for us for it to sink in, and I have to admit she is much better now. But I am lucky to have a good relationship with my mum, and we talk nearly every day

Can I add a couple of commandments:

Thou SHALL NOT talk about how `fertile' you are to your friend who is undergoing multiple unsuccessful IVF cycles. I met up with an old school friend who I hadn't seen for 22 years and she told me she was so fertile she needed to have an internal device fitted after her third child - literally minutes after I spilled my guts telling her I was doing IVF!Aaaagh, the insensitivity of it all.

Cilnic nurses SHALL NOT say to you when ringing up for BT results and it's a BFN, `Did you think you might be pregnant?' I mean, honest to god, what the ...

[tk1999]

This thread has gone hasn't been posted to in some time but with a dear friend of mine about to start IVF I am doing as much reading as I can in order to support her through this.

I realise now that I have pulled away from her somewhat for fear of being too intrusive so I hope that by reading your stories of what they could have done better - I won't have the need to once pull my foot from my mouth

[mellybelly81]

I know this thread is old, old, old, but I have just gone through my first IVF cycle (no transfer due to OHSS) and thought I'd share some thoughts, both from the beginnings of our journey until during this cycle.

I do have a very supportive family on both sides, but I don't think it can be stressed enough that regardless of supportive or indifferent ppl, if they haven't ever had to go through it, they will NEVER understand. Thus the following rules would apply to me, in addition to most others I have read here:

thou shalt not say "oh my friend has that issue, that's no big deal, she just took these tablets and got pregnant" (maybe she was lucky and clomid worked straight up for her, maybe she didn't disclose the whole ordeal of her treatment to my SIL)

thou shalt not say you would like to read my AC info book and then leave it on the bench in the exact same spot every week we visit, obviously never been read

though shalt not write on your facebook status that its easier to work full time than be a full time mum (a friend who recently went back to work after 18mths off after her first when she wasn't even trying)

though shalt not ask me how things are going and when i mention i was having a hard time with some of the treatment and tests, tell me "oh that's nothing to when you are pregnant, some of those tests aren't very pleasant... like internals" ummmmm i have someone sticking something up my "internals" numerous times in one cycle so I think I probably already outscore you! (same friend as above)

and lastly my dear dad, thou shalt not answer the phone when I ring with "oh hi love how are you?... I'll get your mum" I'm still a person you can talk to!!!!

ok I think that's all I have for now... all of these things were said by ppl who I know care, but just won't ever get "IT" and I guess we can't really expect them to. I mean how many of us know exactly how a woman gets pregnant before we are faced with fertility issues and kind of have to know? We get the most basic of info in sex ed at school and I think young people (girls in particular) should be told more about the cycle. If people knew how it doesn't just happen when you have no birth control and have sex and that there are actually a LOT of things that have to line up just right, then maybe more people would have a knowledge that goes back further than when their "broken" child comes to them and explains it. (By "broken" I mean from my experience I think my parents feel like there was something they could have done differently to stop this happening and make it "better", I certainly didn't mean that any of us are anything but normal).

Ok I think I have flip flopped between cynical, jaded and empathetic of family/friends so I might leave it here before my soapbox breaks.