How do you know when to stop?

[vd74]

Hi all,

First time I've posted. My DH and I have been trying for five years (over 3yrs assisted). We've done 8 Clomid cycles and 8 IVF (creating 8 embies in total only resulting in 4 FET). Have never had a BFP

I'm 39, had endo and polypoids removed, have hypothyriodism & blindhorn (right ovary not connected), also just discovered blood clotting disorder (treated with Clexane), low egg reserve and am slow to stim. All our embies that aren't implanted fragment at around 8 cells.

Just found out our last round failed. I'm taking this one pretty hard.

My DH and I agreed before starting IVF that we would stop when I turned 40 or when we had reached a particular financial figure which ever came first- unfortunately that only gives me one more cycle!
I don't know that I really believe it is possible for me to fall pregnant anymore but I dont know how to cope with stopping- the grief feels unbearable!

Any suggestions or advice?

[~TT40~]

hi welcome. sorry to hear what you have one through unfortunately there are a few women here who have had to ask themseves the same question. I think there was a thread about it a few months ago.
I was fortunate enough to concieve on our 2nd cycle so haven't had to face thay road yet so don't have an answer for you. even tho there is no real answer to the question as everyone and every journey is different.
hopefully others will have more advice to give but just anted to give you some support

[juniper76]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult TTC journey. My situation is similar, but not quite as challenging (37, endo, low egg reserve, signs of subclinical hypothyroidism, but no clotting disorder or blindhorn). It took us 5 transfers (5 fresh cycles plus 1 FET) to get DD. The one time we tried for a blast transfer, none of them made it - 4 were severely fragmented and the other 2 that looked okay at day 3 never progressed any further (ie arrested at day 3). Every other cycle we only had 2 or 3 decent embryos, so we did day 2 or 3 transfers. It was only at our successful transfer that we had an embryo developing on schedule (ie 4-cells at day 2), all the others were behind (ie 2-cells at day 2 or 4-cells at day 3).

When you're dealing with quality issues, it really seems to become a numbers game - you need to produce 10, 20 or more eggs just to get one good one. I honestly believe that our 5th fresh cycle we were just lucky - we managed to get one good egg fertilised with one good sperm (we also have MFI issues that mean DH's sperm are as bad as my eggs). If we hadn't been lucky, we'd have been in the same position as you - only enough money left for 1 more cycle. And, to be honest, I was pretty much burned out with IVF by that point anyway. I no longer believed it would work and the only reason we were still going was because I couldn't quit.

Choosing to end the journey is difficult. What it usually boils down to is one of two things: 1) no more money, or 2) continuing causes you more pain than stopping.

We don't have money for IVF any more, but I'm not ready to stop TTC, so we're doing IUI with injects for now. It's a lower success rate than IVF, but higher than TTC on our own and we can afford to keep doing it (ie keep playing that numbers game). I'm using FSH injects and we try to get 2-4 eggs per cycle (usually get 2). I'm also on clexane and prednisone, just in case there's another problem we haven't had diagnosed. We are also considering donor embryos, but would prefer to try with our own DNA for as long as possible.

[vd74]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult TTC journey. My situation is similar, but not quite as challenging (37, endo, low egg reserve, signs of subclinical hypothyroidism, but no clotting disorder or blindhorn). It took us 5 transfers (5 fresh cycles plus 1 FET) to get DD. The one time we tried for a blast transfer, none of them made it - 4 were severely fragmented and the other 2 that looked okay at day 3 never progressed any further (ie arrested at day 3). Every other cycle we only had 2 or 3 decent embryos, so we did day 2 or 3 transfers. It was only at our successful transfer that we had an embryo developing on schedule (ie 4-cells at day 2), all the others were behind (ie 2-cells at day 2 or 4-cells at day 3).

When you're dealing with quality issues, it really seems to become a numbers game - you need to produce 10, 20 or more eggs just to get one good one. I honestly believe that our 5th fresh cycle we were just lucky - we managed to get one good egg fertilised with one good sperm (we also have MFI issues that mean DH's sperm are as bad as my eggs). If we hadn't been lucky, we'd have been in the same position as you - only enough money left for 1 more cycle. And, to be honest, I was pretty much burned out with IVF by that point anyway. I no longer believed it would work and the only reason we were still going was because I couldn't quit.

Choosing to end the journey is difficult. What it usually boils down to is one of two things: 1) no more money, or 2) continuing causes you more pain than stopping.

We don't have money for IVF any more, but I'm not ready to stop TTC, so we're doing IUI with injects for now. It's a lower success rate than IVF, but higher than TTC on our own and we can afford to keep doing it (ie keep playing that numbers game). I'm using FSH injects and we try to get 2-4 eggs per cycle (usually get 2). I'm also on clexane and prednisone, just in case there's another problem we haven't had diagnosed. We are also considering donor embryos, but would prefer to try with our own DNA for as long as possible.

Thanks juniper76. I appreciate the support. Saw a counsellor on Friday but couldn't talk yet. She suggested donor embryos but its not an option that DH will consider. He had previously agreed to donor ovum but only from a family member and unfortunately she declined. We have discussed adoption, fostering etc but will not be pursuing any of these. It is really now down to one more shot of IVF or no children at all.

Your return to IUI got me thinking but I'm starting to worry about how we would cope if we continued in this process. I bought a lotto ticket on the w/e and thought about if we won whether would we continue IVF (ie. is money the only factor in our stopping) and I'm torn because I want a baby so badly but all the hoping is really taking its toll now- I'm starting to think there's a reason 'hope' is a four letter word! I just resigned my position at work for a lesser one in order to reduce my stress- just in case that is effecting things- plus I just cant concentrate on anything. So much of our life is on hold for this. I know my DH wants us to stop and move on. I just don't know how to cope with letting go of something I have wanted and planned for my whole life, something that is so much a part of who I thought I was.

Everything feels so heavy at the moment. I'm hoping some of this is still the hormones working their way out of the system from the last cycle. We've decided to wait a couple of months before our final try - mainly so I can get into a better headspace. Thanks again for the support!

[juniper76]

I'm glad you had the option to move to a less stressful role at work. I don't think the stress would have had any bearing on the success of your IVF cycles (I was so stressed I was verging on a nervous breakdown during our successful cycle), but it sounds like you could use a break for the sake of your well-being and quality of life. It sounds like you've been putting TTC first for a long time and it might be time to remember that you deserve to be put first sometimes as well.

I've often asked myself the same question about lotto and IVF - if we won, would we go back? I think maybe we would, but only for a limited number of tries and with a break between each one. I don't think I could keep doing cycle after cycle any more.

[vd74]

hi welcome. sorry to hear what you have one through unfortunately there are a few women here who have had to ask themseves the same question. I think there was a thread about it a few months ago.
I was fortunate enough to concieve on our 2nd cycle so haven't had to face thay road yet so don't have an answer for you. even tho there is no real answer to the question as everyone and every journey is different.
hopefully others will have more advice to give but just anted to give you some support

Thanks TT40. Appreciate the support.
I haven't been able to find the older thread you referred to but have met with a counsellor a couple of times since I posted with a focus on our relationship surviving post IVF.
I have felt confident throughout the process so far, I just assumed it would all happen within the first six cycles but each time we have a cycle we seem to encounter another problem. After eight cycles the financial and emotional well is running dry!
I wish that I had known earlier if I was going to be unable to have children- there are alot of things I would have done differently.
I have been making decisions based on planning to have a child for the last 10 years (changing jobs to one that would be able to be done part time, choosing a car suitable for a car seat, etc) and have been far too responsible and well behaved my whole life based on becoming a good wife and mother and not getting pregnant unexpectedly- if I'd known getting pregnant was going to be so hard for me I would have had alot more fun!
Thanks again for the support