Depressed at the thought of my birthday

[farmgirl77]

Hello,
Just needed to write this and hope that someone else knows what it feels like so I know that I'm not the only strange person in the world.

It is my birthday tomorrow, and my dh cant understand that I dont want to do anything about it, and that I dont want to go out with family and friends to celerbrate - all I want to do is forget about it. We started TTC after we thought we were pg two years ago - around the time of my 29th bday - so all it represents to me is another year of trying with no success, and another year closer to being 35 and the associated hassels of TTC after 35.

Also, I hate that fact that everyone will ring me and be happy and expect me to be happy and ok, when I feel so far from that. I'm sick of trying to put on this brave face so that we dont make other people feel akward or unsure of what to do or say. I'm sick of my dh not wanting to tell people about the fact we are on IVF (and hence having to yet again pretend that all is ok) and I'm sick of beating myself up for feeling a pang of jealousy when I hear about someone elses pg - it just makes our seem that much further away.

Anyway, those are my birthday blues. I know it is pretty pitifull but I'm feeling sorry for myself.
FG

oh yeah - my dh has also forgotten that when we started TTC and I was using the OPK, he made the statement 'dont stress, you'll have a kid by the time you're 31'...yeah right

[Lucia]

You know what I did for my birthday this year - booked myself into a 4 hour Day Spa treatment.

I found a great place in Melbourne and it didn't cost too much at all considering but I thought that's it - the only thing I want to do on my day is spoil myself and be by myself. I don;t care about cost and I don't care about upsetting others because right need I need to take care of me.

The phone is off because it has to be and you get pampered for 4 hours and it is ALL ABOUT YOU.

Best therapy ever!

[dusty]

farmgirl, you are not strange at all, at least not here on BB all anniversaries are a reminder for where we LTers haven't gotten to so it is completely understandable you feel this way. i am so sorry DH doesn't want to tell people about IVF. is it possible you two can agree on letting a few key trusted people know. a lot of people's don't understand what IVF entails but want to be understanding and supportive when we are struggling and it could be a great way to share some of your load and take some of the pressure off (especially those expectations we think others have of us). xx

[AJC]

farmgirl - I really feel for you. I had my second m/c a week before my birthday last year and I was just a total mess the whole day. DH and my parents gave me soppy cards and I just cried and cried when I read them. I thought this year if I am not pg we will go away somewhere. Doesn't have to be for a long time or anywhere to far or expensive (hard I guess when it's tomorrow but even if it's just for the night). Switch the mobile off and then at least when they do finally catch up with you for your b'day you can say you went away and focus the conversation on the positive/happy topic of your romantic b'day getaway.

Christmas day is always a bit of a bummer too eh?!?!? I feel jealous when I hear of other people pg, it's hard and at first I felt sooo bad for feeling that way but that's just the way it is.

I hope you have a nice day whatever you decide to do.

[collo04]

Farm girl you do what ever you need to get through this horrible time. Be selfish if you dont want a fuss for your birthday do something that will make you happy. Make your day all about you but remeber not to be so hard on yourself as all of this is out of your control but your happiness isnt....

Happy Birthday Honey

[MeredithD]

Farmgirl , you are sooo not the only one to feel the way you do. In fact, I'm glad you posted as it helps me realise I am not so abnormal either.
I haven't really enjoyed birthdays that much for the past few years. I always dreamed of having my family complete or at least started by age 30. After 2 m/c's, I hated the thought of any kind of celebration, let alone one reminding me of my declining fertility!
I was very, very fortunate to be pg with no1 by my 35th birthday but last yr I just wanted to pass the day by and ignore the advancing age factor.
I think there is also an element (for me anyway) of not feeling deserving of a celebration. Infertility is a killer of self esteem and i didn't think I should be receiving any sort of reward (gifts) if I couldn't even do such a "simple " job as falling pg.

My advice -Don't do anything you don't want to do. As the others have said, It is YOUR day. if you don't want to be around others this year then don't. Give yourself a private treat of some sort so you don't have to put on that "happy, smiley" face.
Have the best day you can and just think ahead that you will be celebrating the next birthday with your baby in arms or kicking around inside.

[farmgirl77]

Thanks everyone for your words of support - much appreciated. Rationally I know that I'm not strange feeling how I feel, but emotional side of me just thinks that I'm a freak - so to know that others go through the same emotional pattern really helps. I tried to explain to dh last night how I was feeling, and I think he heard me but does not really understand as he does not have the same driving desire for a baby (boy thing). Plus we are doing IVF because of poor so I try and protect him a little bit when I feel really down as I dont want him to blame himself! My goodness, the mine fields we put ourselves through .

We did start to plan a holiday - in Oct - which while a little way away it should be something to look forward. We cant do much else right at the moment because we have lots of stuff going on at the farm and with work - i have to go to melbourne today for work and will be away for the next few nights.

Thanks everyone, and good luck with your journey

[monnie]

I know exactly what you mean Farmgirl...

Birthdays were always tough with LTTTC...they were just another reminder!

I remember having my 35th birthday and thinking "well...this is it!"

It took another 18 months...but then our little miracle arrived!

So don't give up hope...hang in there...

[Muppity]

:hugs: to you Farmgirl.

I know exactly what you mean too. I am in the same "secret IVF" boat again because of swimmer problems and male ego problems (but I would never tell him that).

I just want to curl up in a ball and rock slowly from side to side. I haven't even thought about my birthday except in terms of appointments that I have around then to get a cycle going.

So, what I am trying (slightly ineloquently) is that no, you are not unusual, and you are not alone.

[Nicole S]

Happy Birthday FG!!
Birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Weddings, anniversaries....any celebration other than the one you really want can make you feel like crap.
I had a MC in Nov 06....on my wedding anniversary... what a day to remember..NOT!!
Take care of yourself and treat yourself to what ever you want, you never know what is around the corner.....