Depressed at the thought of my birthday

[collo04]

Farm girl you do what ever you need to get through this horrible time. Be selfish if you dont want a fuss for your birthday do something that will make you happy. Make your day all about you but remeber not to be so hard on yourself as all of this is out of your control but your happiness isnt....

Happy Birthday Honey

[MeredithD]

Farmgirl , you are sooo not the only one to feel the way you do. In fact, I'm glad you posted as it helps me realise I am not so abnormal either.
I haven't really enjoyed birthdays that much for the past few years. I always dreamed of having my family complete or at least started by age 30. After 2 m/c's, I hated the thought of any kind of celebration, let alone one reminding me of my declining fertility!
I was very, very fortunate to be pg with no1 by my 35th birthday but last yr I just wanted to pass the day by and ignore the advancing age factor.
I think there is also an element (for me anyway) of not feeling deserving of a celebration. Infertility is a killer of self esteem and i didn't think I should be receiving any sort of reward (gifts) if I couldn't even do such a "simple " job as falling pg.

My advice -Don't do anything you don't want to do. As the others have said, It is YOUR day. if you don't want to be around others this year then don't. Give yourself a private treat of some sort so you don't have to put on that "happy, smiley" face.
Have the best day you can and just think ahead that you will be celebrating the next birthday with your baby in arms or kicking around inside.

[farmgirl77]

Thanks everyone for your words of support - much appreciated. Rationally I know that I'm not strange feeling how I feel, but emotional side of me just thinks that I'm a freak - so to know that others go through the same emotional pattern really helps. I tried to explain to dh last night how I was feeling, and I think he heard me but does not really understand as he does not have the same driving desire for a baby (boy thing). Plus we are doing IVF because of poor so I try and protect him a little bit when I feel really down as I dont want him to blame himself! My goodness, the mine fields we put ourselves through .

We did start to plan a holiday - in Oct - which while a little way away it should be something to look forward. We cant do much else right at the moment because we have lots of stuff going on at the farm and with work - i have to go to melbourne today for work and will be away for the next few nights.

Thanks everyone, and good luck with your journey

[monnie]

I know exactly what you mean Farmgirl...

Birthdays were always tough with LTTTC...they were just another reminder!

I remember having my 35th birthday and thinking "well...this is it!"

It took another 18 months...but then our little miracle arrived!

So don't give up hope...hang in there...

[Muppity]

:hugs: to you Farmgirl.

I know exactly what you mean too. I am in the same "secret IVF" boat again because of swimmer problems and male ego problems (but I would never tell him that).

I just want to curl up in a ball and rock slowly from side to side. I haven't even thought about my birthday except in terms of appointments that I have around then to get a cycle going.

So, what I am trying (slightly ineloquently) is that no, you are not unusual, and you are not alone.

[Nicole S]

Happy Birthday FG!!
Birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Weddings, anniversaries....any celebration other than the one you really want can make you feel like crap.
I had a MC in Nov 06....on my wedding anniversary... what a day to remember..NOT!!
Take care of yourself and treat yourself to what ever you want, you never know what is around the corner.....