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Thread: DH does not want to be there for the transfer : (

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    Vic
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    Default DH does not want to be there for the transfer : (

    Hello,
    Am feeling a little bewildered and confused. We go for our first FET on Wed, but DH does not want to come into the room while the transfer is happening. He is taking the day off to travel down to Melb but says that for him the transfer is just like me going into the doctors, and why does he need to be there for that? He came to the transfer on our first stim cycle, which was good.



    To me the transfer is kind of the closest thing we get to conception - and I want him to be there for that. I am now questioning if he really wants kids if he does not want to see the transfer. But I also dont want to put heaps of pressure on him to come if he really does not want to. We are doing IVF mainly because of sperm issues, and so I dont what to make him feel more guilty for what we are having to go through than what he already does (not that he verbalises it though). I just want to feel positive at the moment and not racked by doubts when we are just about to put an embie in .

    Has/is anyone else in a similar situation where DH does not want to be there for transfers. What have you done and how have people coped being there for them by yourself (even if DH is just out in the waiting room)?

    Thanks
    FG

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Melbourne
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    11,171

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    My situation was a little bit different in that Aaron did want to be there, but having no-one to look after Zander, the two of them had to be in the wiating room. I was fine, I had an awesome Dr that talked me through everything & was making jokes to make me more comfortable. I just basically sat back & reaxed & thought about my new baby We joke now about "how clever is Aaron, he got me pregnant from another room" LOL!

    Good luck hun, you can do it!

  3. #3

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    Out of my 7 Transfers I think DH was only there for one of them.
    For me it wasn't such a big deal, after all unless you have a history of painful transfers, it is a pretty simple procedure.
    Good luck!

  4. #4

    Join Date
    May 2005
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    I am pretty sure that there is no way I will be able to get DH in there.

    I think that if your DH was there for the first one and he is uncomfortable enough to actually opt out then I would leave it. It may be better for you to go somewhere nice for a meal afterwards or a romantic stroll in a park.

  5. #5

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    My DH was there for our transfer.
    Could you explain to him why it is important to you? I think what you have written is perfect, be honest and tell him that for you, transfer feels like the closest thing to conception and you would love him to be there holding your hand while it happens, but that you don't want to put pressure on him if he doesn't.

    Goodluck!

    Nic

  6. #6

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    My husband wasn't there for mine but I was fine with that as he had to work and I just popped over in my lunch time.

  7. #7

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    I've had DH present at all four transfers... There was one point in time that he asked "Do I really have to be there?" and my answer to that was along the lines of hell, YES!

    For me, it's about the emotional support. Having DH there helps keep me calm (very important with my FS!), and cope if things happen like the FS is running late (has happened twice now - over an hour late at one point in time).

    At one transfer my FS was talking to me through the ID checks (particularly the part where the embryologist shows us our name on the culture), and it wasn't until later that I realised I hadn't seen our name so was starting to wonder if the embryo was ours - DH was able to confirm for us that it was indeed our embryo because he'd been there and able to pay attention.

    I've also made several jokes about another man getting me pregnant (male FS), needing four people in the room for conception, about DH not even being in the same city when we conceived (he looked like having to go away for one FET transfer)... DH at least knows that when I'm mildly stressed about something I tend to make silly, flippant comments about them. We've come to an agreement - he'll always be there for transfer, but he doesn't necessarily need to take the whole day off like I do. Now, we usually travel in to the clinic in separate vehicles, then I go home or to acupuncture and he goes to work.

    I think if you explain calmly and carefully your reasons for wanting him there then he will probably come around. I think a lot of our menfolk can feel terribly ignored and unnecessary through the whole IVF process... it's one of the reasons I like to give DH the job of preparing my lucrin injections - he can't do the jabs (he's too scared of hurting me to be able to do the injection), but he can at least participate and feel involved in some small way.

    Good luck, FG, I hope you manage to come to a point where both you and DH are comfortable with the decision.

    BW

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Sydney
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    Hi

    My DH will probably not be there for the FET which I am really not worried about. I guess I am looking at the bigger picture because I know he's excited. I expect that it won't take long and can't be anywhere near as bad as my hellish EPU (yes if there is a next time i will be having a general).

    DH was in the waiting room for that I did really want him to come in but afterwards I was in a lot of pain and cried for about half an hour - I had 26 eggs and it was like a shock to my body. Very sick afterwards. But you know what I'm glad he didn't come in for that he really didn't need to be a witness, it was awful.

    You know there are no rules you can make your own.

  9. #9

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    Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm feeling a little bit calmer now and a bit less stressed about him not actually being in the room - after all he is still taking the day of work and driving the 3 hrs with me to actually get to the transfer! But I will still raise it on the way down and explain how I feel - but I'm not going to get upset about it if he still says no as I was the other day.

    BW - I had a similar strategy - DH started preparing the injections but then after seeing the bruises I gave myself, he decided he would do a far better job of it - and did...

    belle333 - fingers crossed that there is not another need for a EPU!

    Thanks everyone

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