How do you find the strength....

[Possums]

dragonfly- wow you have come through a lot in your life! sending a hug to you

[~Aveta~]

you too, Possums. for me it's been three m/c this year, but then i've never had to go thru the added vortex of AC...i can't imagine how you do it. the interventions, the stress, disappointment, surgery, the sheer cost of it all...

you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[Possums]

thanks....and I'm on the mid north coast too

[~Aveta~]

i'm lucky enough to live in beautiful Coffs Harbour. where you at?

[buliej]

Possums - I hope you enjoy your trip away in a week - it sounds great

That ebay idea is fantastic - I'd love to get rid of some junk and get some $ in return. I did ebay in the States before I moved here and it worked quite well.

[Possums]

buliej- thanks- looking forward to it

dragonfly- I'm in lovely Port Macquarie...just down the road

[buliej]

Possums - I feel like I'm following your footsteps - for better and for worse. I wasn't feeling well today - had gastro last night - called my OB's office explaining that I was afraid I had eaten something bad for baby. They told me I shouldn't worry but offered to do a scan if that would make me feel better (they were super nice - I thought they'd write me off as a neurotic pregnant woman). So I went in, and 2 hours later after 2 ultra sounds by 2 people, had it confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat. We are devastated. I can't believe that I'm capable of going from such elation to such sorrow in a matter of minutes. I have so many questions for you (my currette is tomorrow morning). Like, what did you feel like (physically) after the currette? How long did it take your body to feel normal (mine is swollen as in a pregnant way - so I thought)? what did your clinic say about waiting and starting the ivf journey again - I know there is a needed break, but how long? did they send your fetal tissue in for testing - this was offered to us and we said yes - but I'm not so sure what this will tell us.

[Alloy]

buliej, I'm so sorry I hope you feel ok (physically) after your curette, look after yourself!!!! I hope your clinic will have some answers for you.

[Possums]

oh buliej, my heart breaks for you...I am so sorry, and of course, know exactly what you are going through.

to answer your questions....
I felt pregnant...sore, larger boobs, swollen tummy etc and that lasted until I had the curette, and then afterwards, those things slowly returned to normal, which was a relief, because I hated having those physical reminders of the pregnancy.

After the curette I had period like cramps and lower back pain...for about 5 days afterwards. I had bleeding, lighter than a period for almost two weeks (was told it could last for 10 days). But by the end my body had returned to 'normal' feeling.
I also had the tissue sent away for testing to confirm there were no abnormal placental cells, and there weren't, so that's a good sign it was just the embryo not developing as it should, and that there was no bigger issue.
My clinic told me to wait until I have my next normal period before starting IVF again.... then because of the xmas break, said that by the time I do get a period it will be too late to start a new cycle...so we will start a new cycle in the new year. In the meantime we are focussing on being fit and healthy, TTC naturally in hope of a miracle and trying to focus on life together and finding joy in the moment. Plus grieving. You can't underestime how hard this is buliej, especially after having gone through IVF to get there etc. On so many levels it is painful and a loss. I felt sad, devastated, but also angry, bitter, resentful. I still feel those things, but they are less raw, and I am also managing to feel hope and have moments where I once again find joy in life and activities etc, and it's a relief to be in this place now, because the way I felt in those first weeks was so hard. But you need to go through that, you can't rush through it, or bottle it up, because it will come back to haunt you later.
Also, it's tough because most people don'tget it, they cant understand what it's like, so the level of sensitivity you need isn't always there.
I just send you the biggest hug. If you need to contact me further send me a PM. I am always happy to talk. I will be away for a week and off the computer from this sunday.
Also, my DH has been most supportive, but he has dealt with this differently to me, and I think it helps knowing that men handle it differently to us and accepting that too.
I am just so so sorry you are having to go through this.

[Possums]

I also wanted to say buliej, hope the curette went OK.... and give yourself time to rest afterwards. I think I pushed myself too hard and returned to work too quickly...I felt emotional and very tired and drained physically, plus I had the bad cramps (not everyone gets bad cramps though, it varies),..I wish I had taken more days off.

[~Aveta~]

i had a D&C in february, and no aftercare, so it was actually more traumatic that the two m/c i had in June and July at home. i was still passing fetal tissue four days later, having horrendous pain that literally floored me, and another night spent in hospital trying to get some answers. i'm still feeling angry, nine months later.

[buliej]

I'm just back from my currette - a very long day...

Thank you all - although I wish that no one ever has to go through this, there is some comfort in shared experiences and emotions.

I feel very fortunate in that my experiences with all the medical staff were very positive in a horrendous situation (from the midwife in my OB's office yesterday, to the poor ultrasound dr who had to give me the definitive news, to my OB who performed the procedure today and spoke to me for as long as I wanted yesterday).

I'm going to keep in mind what you said, Possums, about going back to "normal" activities too soon. I do need to go to work tomorrow at least for a few hours but will let myself off the hook if I find it too difficult.

I spent so much time yesterday and this morning crying...and wondering why - and wishing that this cycle would have been a BFN rather than go through this. I'm also dreading starting a new cycle - I think because I know that 1 - it could very well be a BFN, which is horrible for obvious reasons and 2 - even if it's a BFP, I won't be able to find much joy there and the wait from a BFP to the 12 week mark will feel like years. (I always think ahead - I will have to try to take it one day at a time).

DH has been fantastic in terms of support but not at all outwardly emotional, but this is his way in all emotional situations and I know that inside he is very sad. Also, he wants concrete answers - and I know there won't be any (the fetal tissue test results may tell us something, but I have a feeling that nothing will give him the answers he is looking for).

I also have to deal with telling a lot of people. I told people very early because I had a visit home to the US last month at 4-5 weeks and there was no way that I could hold this back from friends who I only see once a year (we've already told our immediate families the sad news - that too was very hard).

I am going to make being fit & healthy a priority as well - although I may give myself a weekend of coffees, soft cheeses, sushi and wine. I think it will be a good thing to focus on the few things in this process that are somewhat in our control.

We are also going to try to plan some short get-away - as you say - remind ourselves of what we enjoy as TTC naturally for months & months, then the 2 IVF cycles and this have been the focus of our lives for so long that we forget what our day-to-day enjoyments are.

Possums - thanks for your PM - and enjoy your time away. I truly understand how much you need it now and I hope you have a fabulous week and indulge yourselves.

[Possums]

buliej- you are welcome...i found talking to ladies here who had been through similar very helpful ... just take time to grieve too...I cried and cried...then stopped crying, only to start again at odd moments, when something would remind me.
And yes, try and reconnect with each other and with other things in life...it helps.
Like you, I also dread starting another cycle, and wonder how I will be able to ever relax when pregnant! I guess we'll take it one day at a time when that time comes.
And just don't push too hard for a while...you need time to rest as well, because physically it's very draining as well. take care...thinking of you xx

[buliej]

i'm having such a hard day today - i feel so alone in the sense that before, I would sit at work with a hand on my belly and a warm feeling that our baby was there - and now, well, nothing. maybe because i'm bleeding more today than yesterday and it's so confronting to see.

i just called my ivf clinic to make an appointment with a counselor - they offered me 2 Dec!!!! and that's after I told them why i wanted to see a counselor - i was hoping for this afternoon - or tomorrow - or Monday. what's the point of having counselors if they aren't available for times like these.

i wish someone could promise me a successful pregnancy by X date - even if it was a while off - knowing that we'd eventually get there at some point...it would make it a little better.

[~Aveta~]

Julie - i'm thinking of you.

[buliej]

thanks df

well, the good news is that the ivf clinic took pity on me (must be my cracking voice) and got someone to agree to see me tomorrow!

[Possums]

oh buliej- I know how it feels...that lonely empty feeling...you had already fallen in love with your baby and got used to being pregnant..then BANG...it's gone... it's tough...and i used to feel my tummy too and remember talking to my baby etc...sometimes i still see/do something which reminds me and on come the tears

it's a shame you cant see a counsellor earlier...maybe you could see someone outside your clinic? and keep talking things through on here...i found it helpful because other ladies have been through the same thing and can relate and understand, support, offer advice etc

it will eventually get better, but for now, just cry and rant and rest and whatever you need to do

[~Aveta~]

thanks df

well, the good news is that the ivf clinic took pity on me (must be my cracking voice) and got someone to agree to see me tomorrow!

and so they should!!! grrrr!