How do you find the strength....

[Possums]

How do you find the strength to keep going/TTC and be positive and actually also live and enjoy life, after either experiencing many treatment cycles, or many BFNs, or losses....?? (or whatever combination of those you may have dealt with).

I am struggling to find that inner strength and positivity after my recent miscarriage at 8.5 weeks, on top of what has been a hard year...DH and I really thought we'd made it, but now find ourselves in the same awful, out of control, limbo we were in before, combined with feeling grief and loss. Wondering how many more cycles? Plus the fear we may never have a baby of our own.

So many people here have been so wonderful and supportive to me, I thought there might be more suggestions or wisdom from personal experience out there...I know in part I simply need time to grieve and move naturally to the next stage...but I am the lowest I have felt for a while, and I thought there might be some things I can do to help myself through or adjustments to my way of thinking.

One thing DH and I have discussed, after receiving some advice here, is to focus on ourselves again, and on just really try living and enjoying life, outside of TTC/IVF etc. We are going to try and make a big effort to do nice things together(picnics etc) and also get back into the sports/outdoors stuff we love (surfing/hiking etc)... we can't start IVF again until Jan so we have some totally free time for a while.

To be honest, I had perhaps underestimated how tough this would be...it's just hit me really hard this time. I find going to work and socialising etc really really hard...luckily I have a few lovely girlfriends and a wonderful Mum and DH to help me through. DH is also pretty stressed out, dealing with this as well as a stressful job.

Anyway,I know perhaps there aren't any real answers to this one, but I'd be happy to hear of your experiences/thoughts.
Emma.

[sushee]

Hi Emma,

I don't honestly believe I did manage to stay positive, or move on. I think for me, the idea of giving up was far more difficult to cope with than the idea of having to have that next cycle. Sometimes, if I knew I had to have a break between cycles, I was in fact able to stop focussing on IVF and cycles for a while, but on the whole, it was under my skin, and I kept at it because it was a necessary to me as breathing.

I always believed that the time would come when I either found success, or the pressure and emotional strain of continuing would start to outweigh the pain of giving up. I think that point is different for different people. But I do know that I was close to giving up by my 8th cycle, which was the cycle where I fell pregnant to my son Charlie.

So basically I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think I ever felt like I found strength. I know people have said that I was strong, but I never felt like I was while I was in the middle of it. I didn't feel positive, I didn't feel balanced, I felt nuerotic and angry and negative and obsessed. And I actually think that is far more natural and normal than people think it is.

I think you're completely normal being feeling emotionally drained, and physcially exhausted after all you've been through, and it's natural for you to mourn your loss. I think taking time to focus on your relationship wtih your DH may be what you need to start feeling refreshed and better able to face future cycles. Now is probably when your pain is freshest, and time is a great healer, so while the pain may never go away, I think you will find hope, if not strength, to face the future.

[MsPink]

Oh Emma - it's such a terrible feeling isn't it? The despair and misery is just overwhelming.

You will never forget, but time does make it easier.

How do I keep going..?? Well it is something I have wanted since I was 13yrs old and am not giving up until my ovaries literally shrivel up or until the FS refuses to go further.

As hard as it mentally (and it is soooo hard) I just have to keep going. I guess each new cycle brings just a little hope into my life.

Like you said, you do need time to grieve and I hope after a little time has passed, you too will find the strength to keep going until you get your dream.

[farmgirl77]

I dont know how we keep going, I just think we do because the alternative is too much to contemplate. You have been so through so much over the past few months, dont underestimate the grief and stress, and the amazing strenght that you and your DH have to have made it this far in one piece!

I'm not sure that there are any answers on how we deal with this better - i think it is an individual thing.

I hope that you are able to find some enjoyment and peace over the next few months.

farmgirl

[MeredithD]

Possums - let me start with saying again ... sorry for you loss. I can feel that raw pain with you, its just unbearable.
I would have to agree with Sushee. I don't think think there is a time or way to feel "Strong". I fthere is, I certainly haven't found it!
After my first loss, and even my second, i used to see other peoples sigs with many more angels and wonder how they kept going. Now that i seemed to have become one of those women, I realise that we only keep going because there is little choice. i don't feel brave or strong about my losses but i have no choice but to deal with it and keep on trying. What else can you do? Give up on the hope of a family? Curl up in a ball and never come out? (trust me, this option has sounded really wonderful at time) Personally,trying for another baby probably is an obsession. I can't and won't let it go. Much as i feel i couldn't cope with any more dead babies, I do know that if that were to happen, i would find a way to pick myself up and keep trying.
The added stress of assisted conception really does escalate the emotions. There is sooooo much invested in each cycle ( emotionally and financially).Not falling pg is bad enough but getting that elusive BFP, only to lose such a precious gift, that is just devastating.
I am currently inan enforced break from TTC as I still recover from my last, very traumatic loss but there isn't a day that goes by when i am not thinking about babies, IVF, m/c etc. We are going on holiday in 2 days and yes it will be nice to get away but am I going to truly relax and enjoy? HOnestly, I will be still thinking about getting back home to start another cycle.
So, i guess I don't have good answers or great words of wisdom for you. Do whatever you need to protect yourself and keep yourself sain. Don't expect yourself to be happy and social just for the sake of others. I have become a partial hermit at times as talking with those who don't know or understand is just to hard. Do what is right for YOU and your DH. There is no easy way out of this but you will get through and hopefully soon with a baby to show for all the pain

[Bengal]

Emma,

I feel for you and your loss, I have read different threads and marvel at how caring you are towards everyone, popping in to say hi, and giving your best wishes, that is a wonderful quality to have, to care about others whilst your greiving yourself.

You need to take one day at a time, literally, each day wake up and think I just have to get through today, I am going to enjoy a part of today, I am going to cry a part of today, Im going to reflect and ponder or plan my future for one part of my day, try it, see if one day at a time works to help yourself through.

We wont ever be the same women we were at the start of our journeys, but believe me, you will find strength Emma, one day at a time

[Possums]

Thanks Dusty- that thread and your response and the others is really helpful and very relevant to where I am at right now also.

[Kahlan]

Possum,

I have to admit I cried when I heard your news. It must very difficult for you right now to pick yourself up and continue with daily life. I told DH about your situation and he was literally stumped. He said to send my "dear friend his heartfelt sympathy".

I was very heart broken when I mc in July this year. I spent days searching the internet for stories similar to me but with positive results.. that was also when I found bellybelly. I don't know how I did it but eventually I was able to speak to people about my experiences without bursting into tears so I guess somehow I have drawn on my inner strength to overcome my grief which I think most of us unconsciously do... but I take one day at a time and I like to keep things to myself until I feel I can speak to people in a more composed manner. DH knows this and pretty much helped me become a temporary hermit...lol...

Take care

[Possums]

Thanks Kahlan... partial hermit is what I think I will become....I will stay in when it suits me

I should say again, I am so pleased for you with your news

[Neptune]

Possums/Emma

I can't really add to the wonderful and caring repsonses you have already recieved, but I just wanted to let you know that my heart went out to you for your loss, and i wanted to give you some cyberhugs.

Love
Nep

[tippytoes]

Dear Possums
Sorry you have to go through this...

Reading your thread....it could be me about 3 months ago. It took a lot for me to move past my miscarriage too. I don't actually believe I'll ever really get over it.. It really could be so many of us.

I was also not wanting to go out, didn't want to back to work. Man, it was just so so hard and emnotional. I felt jipped, ripped off and so devastated.

It is also really hard to deal with seeing pregnant women, babies etc. My SIL fell PG very easy with all her children adn is now PG with number 3. It can be so difficult to deal with. I think we all have moments of feeling angry, jealous and resentful.

Give yourself time. Honestly, you need time to grieve and deal with this in your own way. We will be here for you all the way. Just take each day as it comes.

I dont know how we keep going, I just think we do because the alternative is too much to contemplate

Farmgirl, I think you nailed it on the head here hun.

Hope the rain clears soon....it will....just keep looking.

Many hugs to you Emma

Rach xx

[Possums]

I am just here to vent really...having a bad day...just teary and emotional...I guess it goes in these swings...
Realised if our pregnancy earlier this year had lasted, I would have a baby right now...would have been due in October...since then I have lost another....and still waiting.... yesterday I was doing OK! Have seen my naturopath though and hopefully the supplements etc will start helping soon...and acupuncture tomorrow....

[S'rose]

Emma... Its something I was thinking about just yesterday. What makes me want to continue when I can't see it ever happening. And for me, its my DH. His absolute faith that we will get that dream.

He is my strength and hope. I always make sure he stops and hears me when I feel pain and loss of hope. He has learnt over the past couple of years to not fix and just hold me, and hold me up at times too. Every time he says to me, it will happen, we will have a baby, I feel like I can breathe because he's right there wanting it with me and I know without a doubt, he will never let things get to a point where we can't cope with whats happening. He will always put my health and our life ahead of the dream, because without that the dream can't happen.
And he does not waver in his faith. Its taken so much work but he talks to me about wanting our child and I know that whatever he says, he really means.

So no, I lose faith constantly and I don't always want to think about another cycle. I want AF to go away and never come whether I have a child or not, because she reminds me of failure allllll the time.
But still, deep in my heart the longing wins out, and while physically I have a chance, I will keep at it. Generally just because I am stubborn and the darned failure is just not going to beat me.

And I have spent the last 2.5 years hoping that the baby would get me out of my work situation, and here I still am. But I have taken that moment, and reclaimed my life for a minute. Being unhappy at work, surely that makes it harder to get through the lows we face so much. So am I resigning in December. I don't have another job, but I can temp and I can survive. Paying for AC gets harder but for me, I need to work and be happy. I need something that can break the misery of not conceiving and I have put it off for too long. I am worth more than a cr@ppy job. I'm at the point where I'll try to change anything and everything in the hope that its enough to get me that darned dream.

The world's greatest hugs. I can't imagine your sorrow, but I can empathise with the frustration hun. All the love in the world to you.

[Possums]

Thanks S'rose...it helps just knowing people like you are here to talk to. I admire your strength, even if you don't always feel strong. It's wonderful your DH can help you so much. Mine is learning now too, to hug and hold, and not try and fix. He's come a long way in that area this year!

[S'rose]

Thanks Emma, spirits are stronger than we are. And I'm thrilled your DH is learning to hold you and not fix you. Its so much easier to be strong with others, and thats why BB is so important to me. DH knows that if he can't be there, I have somewhere to go to lean on people who understand.
I'm sure its the same for us all.
You are not alone and you are loved for your strength whether you feel it or not.
You have survived and sometimes thats strength enough in the early days. If you hang in there long enough, better days eventually come along. And until then, we'll be your strength.

You've shown strength in just reaching out for support too. Don't forget how hard it can be just to ask for help.

[Possums]

Thanks S'rose...

[Possums]

Thanks Rach and yes, I have more hope for the future again now

[Possums]

just a quick question ladies.... any advice/ticks up your sleeve, for things you do to try and live life/enjoy life outside the TTC rollercoaster? I am trying but getting back into sport/activities I enjoy...and DH and I trying to spend time doing the things we like doing..making an effort to plan happy things, rather than just cruising along... (or not cruising as the case sometimes is...lol). It's tough though..the baby thing seems to loom large...i guess that's to be expected