Husband away for duration of first FET - should we go ahead?

[aliceinwonderland]

Hi everyone,

Firstly, lots of baby dust to everyone out there on this journey of ours!

I am in a bit of a quandary and am wondering what others would do in my situation. I am waiting for AF to begin after a failed cycle of IVF (my first). We have one frostie which all things being equal will be transferred in about six weeks.

DH has been offered a great job with a US company. Its a fantastic opportunity for him and we are both very excited about it. Problem is, he will be away for 4-6 weeks for training - all around the time of our FET and more than likely the duration of the TWW.

Would you wait until your DH was in the country before proceeding? No-one else in my circle knows we are doing IVF so part from him (and message boards!) I don't really have anyone to fall back on if it fails.

But I don't want to postpone it either. If it doesn't work, i want to get on the stim cycle bandwagon as soon as possible to make our dream come true as i am not getting any younger.

Would you postpone? Or would you go the FET alone?

Thanks for any input! DH and I are so confused..

Lily

(Me: 38, DH 35)

[Amie]

Hi Lily, sorry I don't have any practical experience to share with you. Hopefully some of the lovely BB LTTTC ladies/men can pop in and help you out.

I do think that the FET will be a little stressful as will the TWW, and if no-one else knows you're doing IVF you might feel a little isolated. My suggestion if you do go ahead would be to do something good and relaxing for yourself (and your IVF!) like acupuncture or massage every week, and that way you can chat a little bit to whoever you see. I know it's not the same as having your DH or a close friend there, but it might be a good outlet for you and you'd be safe knowing that they won't tell anyone!

Good luck xo

[BecE]

Hi Lily

It's how you both feel about it that counts. The transfer is easy enough, or was for me and the TWW is gonna be tough mentally no matter who is around you!

You both should have a sit down and decide if your prepared to wait that extra month or two and go from there.

Good Luck

[farmgirl77]

Hi Lily,
While not totally in your situation - i can emphasis with you. We are about to have our 2nd FET on Mon, and I'll be away from DH for most of the TWW due to having to stay in Melb for work. It is only our 3rd transfer and the first DH will not be with me.

Last FET, I flipped when DH did not want to come into the suite when the transfer took place - I really struggled, but this time I have no choice...work stuff has come up during the cycle and I have to be there.

So, despite my hissy fit last time, I'm remarkably calm about 'going it alone' for this transfer...I just want to have another go and am hoping for the BFP. As for the TWW without DH - my only saving grace is that I'll be busy with work, and I will see DH on the weekends. I'm not sure if it will be worse or better, but I guess that it will just be.

My biggest struggle will always be that I want DH there for what I see as the start of our baby (fingers crossed) - but reality is hard and it is just not going to happen this time. I'm taking better than I thought I would! I guess you just have to listen to yourself and figure out how you are going to cope. Maybe you could confide in a close friend and have him/her support you during the TWW if you go ahead with it.

Congrats to your DH on the new job. Good luck with whatever decision you make and wishing you a BFP.
FG

[lil_chookie]

For me I would want DH with me, we are a team and for him to be out of the country while we were cycling wouldn't work for me/us. I just wouldn't feel right with him so far away so i would prefer to wait a month or 2 so that he would be home. I wouldn't have a transfer without DH there, for us a transfer takes priority over any commitment work or otherwise. To be in this position we have had to be honest with our employees but the support we have recieved has been invaluable. My boss is fanstastic with anything IVF related.

For us when we look our embryos on the screen and then have them inserted we look at each other and share a moment and I guess not being able to concieve naturally this is our special moment to have with each other. I couldn't do it without him there and he wouldn't let me do it without him there, he likes to be a part of as much as he can.

Good Luck with making a decision.

[belle333]

Hey Lily

To be honest it wouldn't really bother me, DH didn't come with me when I had my FET yesterday. He went to work and I went to the clinic, then shopping (took the day off work) so I was quite happy with that arrangement. And I happened to buy a nice shirt and a scarf. Then I went home had a big lunch, watched Oprah and fell asleep on the lounge.

My appointment was 10am and DH jokingly said that he would have a cigarette at 10:30am. We try to keep things light and have a sense of humour about it all.

I will admit I was the only person without someone else present with me but I wasn't bothered by it at all. I know that my husband and my family love me, plus they sent me text messages in the morning and I like you and a lot of others haven't shared it with too many others that we are doing IVF. But you also have this site ......

Goodluck

[Hollybolly]

I think its totally up to you... and your situation

Personally, it wouldn't bother me either way - but in saying that, I've been doing IVF on and off for the last 5yrs and its so much a part of our lives now that nothing phases me

I will point out though, tha my DH wouldn't want me to do it without him - he is very sentimental - but I would have no issues doing it without him if HE didn't mind.

My only concern would be that you really don't have anyone else to discuss it with - the 2ww is just pure hell, and I think I would go mad if I couldn't relieve myself of my feelings to anyone - Maybe you should confide in a friend or someone special that you can be with in person (not online) - In case you may need them??

Just a thought - you may be fine, but the thing with the 2ww and the stupid hormones, etc is that you just have to be prepared for anything.

SJH's suggestions are great, as far as seeing an acupuncture therapist etc throughout that time - and its someone you can discuss things with too.

I think its up to you and your DH and whatever is right for you - what does your DH think?

I completely understand your feelings of wanting to get on with it - and then get into the next stim should you need it, so I think just do whatever is right for you.

Just be prepared just in case, and have a back up person that you can turn to if you need it

I guess you can always look at it like your DH may be lucky to be away whilst you're going through it - I'm such a cow on all of the drugs and the stupid emotional rollercoaster whilst I'm cycling that my DH would give ANYTHING to be on the other side of the world when I'm going through it

Whatever is best for you hun - and I wish you only the very best of outcomes for the FET, regardless of when you decide to do it xxx

[briggsy's girl]

hi lilybella

i'm one of those people that does the bulk of the TWW (and most of the lead up to it) solo due to my DH's work commitments - and i'll be honest - it's DAMN hard emotionally - especially "thaw" day, and then the waiting. But my DH and i have an amazing telephone relationship - i can call him any time and just chat - so as much as he is not physically here, he is always only as far away as my phone. to be honest, if he were working in a job where i couldn't contact him whenever i needed, there is no way i'd attempt to do this while he's away.

But, as the other ladies have so wonderfully said - only YOU know how you will cope. only YOU can say whether you should go ahead, or whether, in the larger scheme of things, that extra month is going to make a difference. if this work thing is a one off, you may be better off waiting - if it may be semi-regular, you have to think about how much of your life you can put on hold until another time to fit around his job - do you live to work, or work to live?

whatever decision you make - BB and the fabulous support on offer here is ALWAYS available - we'll hold your hand if you're on your own - or we'll hold BOTH your hands if you wait for DH to be home - BB is my sanity saver!!

[aliceinwonderland]

Wow! Thankyou everyone for your great responses. It is very comforting and reassuring - especially to know there are others out there in the same position!

I wish I was the sort of person who could talk to a close friend/parent or anyone about this sort of thing but I hacve always been very private about anything to do with "down there" and I just couldn't bear it. No idea why I am such a prude.. DH thinks it is quite funny! Give me a medical professional though and I have noooo problems whatsover!

SJH - Great suggestion. I am starting with an acupubncturist this Wednesday who obviousy knows why I am doing it. Hopefully we bond.

BecE - You are right. It doesn't really matter who is around you I guess. DH would probably be quite releived to not be aorund! Heehee. Lucky I am fond of him.

Farmgirl - I can understand the hissy fit! Although he was happy enough to come to my original ET he is just as ok about not being there. Fingers crossed that this one works out for you!

lil-chookie - I totally get the importance of having DH there. You are very lucky to have a supportive work environment as well. I am pretty sure my boss would be fantastic too... if I could bring myself to discuss it with her! But I can't... I understand the need to put TTC above all other committment. This job offer has come totally out of the blue and DH hates his current job so much that I couldn't in all conscience ask him to not go. He did offer though.

Belle - Heehee. Good to see that retail therapy is working for you! I think I might takea leaf out of your book!

HollyBolly - Aren't husbands funny? Once the embie ws in place after my first transfer DH got really really sooky and sentimental. No one was more suprprised than me! From MY perspective the drugs didn;t affect me that badly although I am sure if you asked DH you would get a different story!

Briggsys Girl - I totally get the great phone relationship. DH and I are in constant contact all day every day with various instant messaging applications even when I have travelled overseas myself for work for long amounts of time.

DH and I discussed the FEt in detail tonight and he said if I want to do it then he is happy for me to to go ahead if I want (or postpone if I want) and that despite being on the other side of theworld he would always be there for me. We can do the transfer with him in the room so to speak using video calls and we can of course do video calls by Skype when I am at home.

My deepest thanks to all of you who read about my dilemma and gave such considered responses to it. You have no idea how much I appreciate having different perspectives. I like to think that I am pretty even-minded and practical and will be able to go through this with or without the physical presence of DH but I suspect that I will find a lot of support from you lovely ladies here on BB

SO tonight, right this second, I think we will be going ahead. Who knows how I will feel in six weeks time!

So to all of you tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of babydust and good wishes. I hope to see yu all in the pregnancy threads very very soon.

Lily
x

PS took me so long to write thereply that BB logged me out! Lucky I copied it into a word document before refreshing the page.

[Amie]

That's great Lily

Good luck with the acupuncture (and the retail therapy!). Acupuncture is the best of both worlds - someone to chat to about whatever you're going through and time to relax and zone out a bit.

Let us know how you're going xo