IVF and the child/children you already have?

[nic]

OK, I need to ask for some advice here,
We already have a beatiful DD, who is 7. When I went to hospital for my lap, we told her a couple of days beforehand that I was going to hospital for the day.
DD doesn't deal with hospitals really well, so we tried to explain it as best as we could without telling her exactly 'why' I was going for the lap. Any questions she had, we answered.

DH took a couple of weeks off work, and we just chilled out at my parents and at home, all during the school holidays. Last week was the first week back at school, and my DD who doesn't normally cry has had quite a few tears.

We have tried talking to her to see if she is having any problems at school, is she feeling uncomfortable, all of those questions, and she says there are no problems.

this morning she was fine, until I went to leave. She started crying, so I took her into the classroom, to help her get her desk ready, hoping that it would possibly distract her, and the teacher saw her upset and we all ended up having a chat. DD went and sat with some friends (still upset) while the teacher and I chatted. She said she has noticed that DD has been crying etc, that she still has all her friends, they still all get along, she's doing fine with her schoolwork etc. She basically said she hasn't noticed anything different at all.

I told the teacher that I had day surgery during the holidays, that DD is scared of hospitals, and I wondered if she was still carrying a bit of that worry around with her.

I've been having a few mood swings with the Synarel, and got cranky with DD one day. DH had a chat with DD, and told her that mum is on some medicine that does things to mummy's brain and can make mummy upset and cranky and happy, all of these different emotions, all in one day. If mum gets upset, she doesnt mean it, and she is going to try really hard to not be cranky. DD was fine with this explanation and understood it all.

Now I wonder, have we done the wrong thing in telling her this information?
How do we deal with the injections with DD, do I tell her or not?

We have already told DD that mum and dad have to go away for a few days in a few months, but DH said he thought we shouldn't tell her why. I thought we should. Is it too much for her to handle? Am I overloading her with information and emotions?
I'm so worried about my little girl, she has never been like this before, and I wonder how she will deal with our IVF? the injections? The Dr's visits? The clinic visits 1000klms away?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Nic

[Willow]

Nic I don't have any advice hun but I do feel for you. It's a tricky one. Wasn't so much of an issue for us as DD had only just turned 2 when we did our stim cycle, so obviously too young to understand. She was fine to stay with her Nanny when I had to go to hospital etc and sadly she's actually quite used to seeing me in hospital because I've been in and out since she was born due to some gynae issues I was having, so that didn't unsettle her either.

I'm sure some of the other ladies with older children, Sushee for example, will be able to offer some good advice.

Good luck!

[sonya1]

my boys are very curious and wanted to know why i am at the hospital 'all the time'.
i tell them i have a very sore tummy and the dr's are doing all different tests to find out whats wrong. we figure that is the easiest way so that if i become pregnant we can say that 'bubs' was the reason or if we dont, after ivf is finished we can say its gone away now.

good luck with your journey and best of luck with your daughter. she sounds like a lovely child who is very caring and sensitive about her mummy.

[sonya1]

oh and i didnt let the kids know about the injections. i did them early in the morning in a locked bathroom. i personally think its too big a deal for young children to comprehend. needles scare enough adults. but my boys have seen me have BT's as to me that is completely different. it actually helped as my eldest was extremely sick last week and had to have BT's, but was so relaxed coz he has seen mummy have them.

[Baby~amore`]

our Ds was 12 when we started IVF and he got so worried as to why i was going to the Dr's all the time. We should have told him earlier. I would tell your DD the truth -perhaps find a book to explain it. I will google it or ask on other IVF forums .

Maybe she is scared something really bad is wrong with you and she is scared of losing you. Maybe tell her Drs are doing some tests to help you have a new baby. Tell her you are 'well' but you and daddy need Drs to help you. Tell her about the injections - it is not because you are sick but to help make your body get ready to make a baby.

You need to ask yourself is She is old enough perhaps and ? mature enough to deal with it if you don't have success the first time. Maybe don't tell her all the exact details like when the transfer is and the TWW , blood tests exactly but do say is all part of the Drs plan and you will tell her first when you are having a baby. She might pick up on the stressful time anyway.

In mean time explain these special Drs /hospital visits are for well mummies and daddies who just need some help to have a baby.

[nic]

Thanks Willow and Sonya
We actually gave the excuse that they were looking at mummy's tummy, then she got all upset thinking that she would have to go to hospital and have her tummy looked at too because she is a girl like mum! poor darling.
It's so hard, knowing what to tell or not to tell.
More advice appreciated

Nic

[diva det]

if the information that you have told her is upsetting her, then I would limit what she knows, until she can handle what she has been told so far.
make it fun for her - buy something that she can only play with when you have to go to the doctors. Reassure that you will be Ok - maybe she is thinking that you are gonna die or something another child has told her or seen on TV.
speak to the counsellors at IVF, they are trained to handle all sorts of things, and may have advice for you
good luck!
odette

[nic]

Trish, I've only googled very quickly for some books, but am yet to find something. I will keep searching

Maybe she is scared something really bad is wrong with you and she is scared of losing you. Maybe tell her Drs are doing some tests to help you have a new baby. Tell her you are 'well' but you and daddy need Drs to help you. Tell her about the injections - it is not because you are sick but to help make your body get ready to make a babyarching though.

This is what I thought also, that she is thinking the worst. I really like all you have written here, I think it is a perfect explanation

DH originally did not want to tell DD, because he was worried that she may not be able to handle or understand if our first attempt is not a success. I think it would be good to not let her know about transfer or TWW's like you said.

Odette, When I spoke to DD's teacher this morning, I asked if the school has a counsellor, and they do! At the moment DH is on nightshift, so when he woke this arvo he was hit with all of it poor thing. I've had a chat with DD this arvo (went to a cafe for chips and gravy and slush puppies) and I am going to see how we go over the next couple of days, and will make an appointment with the school counsellor if need be.
DD did say that no one is upsetting her, or making her feel uncomfortable, and eventually she told me that she was worried about me being at home with my tummy. It took quite a bit of convincing that mum's tummy is all good now. She wanted to know if I still had a bruise and what my cut looks like now, is it still sore etcc..

Her teacher said she was upset until about lunch time today. She spoke to one of DD's closest friends and she said there is nothing going on ie, no infighting in their "group" or anything like that.

DH and I were only able to have a real quick chat about it all this arvo, and he agrees that we should now tell her what is going on.
This will definately be a handle with care conversation. We are planning on moving her into the spare bedroom when the time comes, so maybe we can focus on that, new bed, curtains, wall colours?

thanks again girls

Nic

[{sarah}]

Well by the time I read through everything I see Trish has said what I was thinking. Hospitals are for sick people, so mummy must be sick. Poor little chook is probably worried about her mum being very sick.

*hugs* Nic, I hope you can help her to feel better.


ETA: Search for "Janice Grimes" she has a series of 16 books designed for children about IVF. They are called the X Y and me series & there is a sample on the site tht you can download & read. If you can't find the site I can PM it to you....

[paradise lost]

I'm late coming to this but....i reckon honesty is the way to go.

This is VERY different but when my mum first got cancer she didn't tell any of us. I knew she'd had bad vaginal bleeding (i changed the sheets when dad took her to casualty) but she told us there was "some scars" in her uterus from her c-sections. I was her last c-section and i became convinced i'd done something to make her ill. As the months went on it was more and more obvious something was wrong, doctor's visits, hospital visits, and finally a hysterectomy. It was only after that she told us what was wrong. By the time she told me she had cancer i was unable to concentrate at uni (i dropped out for a year a week later), had lost weight and friends, had severe insomnia (like i was seeing things!) and was basically, in the fullest sense, worried sick. I understand why she did what she did (i was 17, she was scared of how i'd cope, didn't want to ruin my uni plans etc.) but it took me a long time to forgive her. Cancer was actually what i'd feared, imagined. BUt the reality of cancer is not so scary as the idea, really it isn't. A real problem you can set about dealing with, an imagined one just tortures you endlessly and you have no escape because there's no fact or truth to console yourself with.

It sounds like your DD is both sensitive and intelligent. With that combination there is NO LIMIT to what her imagination will be throwing up in relation to your "illness" and she might very well think you're going to die or something terrible like that. Equally she doesn't want to talk about it because she might think it'll make you iller or sad.

If it was me (PLEASE ignore me if this isn't for you! YOU know her best) i would tell her the truth. Basic at first, "mummy isn't ill at all, but the bit of mummy's tummy which can make babies isn't working properly and the doctors need to find out why in case mummy wants to have a baby for us all to love together" and then answer the questions she asks. That way she will only get te info she needs (because she asked for it) and won't be flooded with too much info, and will get some peace from wondering because there will be a space for her to talk about her worries in.

Just my opinion, hope it didn't offend.

Bec

[Baby~amore`]

Basic at first, "mummy isn't ill at all, but the bit of mummy's tummy which can make babies isn't working properly and the doctors need to find out why in case mummy wants to have a baby for us all to love together" and then answer the questions she asks.

well said hoobley - just what I meant !

yes Sarah I knew there were books but not what they were called.

[nic]

Oh Sarah, thanks a million for the book names I will go searching for them a bit later.

Bec - You didn't offend at all. Bit of background info, DH and I grew up differently, his family like to keep 'secrets' from him, and mine were always honest. When I was 10 my mum collapsed at home early one morning. My dad took her to the local hospital, then she was sent onto a bigger hospital, operated on and told she had cancer and only had a couple of months to live. They then came back later and said it wasn't cancer, but endometriosis, it was about to attack her liver and other organs. They did a 'complete' hysterectomy (mum's words) and when she finally got home, mum laid up on the lounge while dad explained what had happened to mum and that she now had a double colostomy, and even showed us what it all looked like. Like I said, I was 10, my brother 6.
When I was about 13, I got called to the school office, only to be met by my dad. I instantly knew something was wrong with mum. They had to go away for a few days, mum's kidneys were failing. When she first visited the dialysis unit, we were with her, we saw it all. She spent close to 10 years waiting for a transplant, so the nurses were (and still are) like family. I suppose this is probably why I believe that honesty is the best policy, it's all I know, but we will have to be careful to not overload DD like you said, just answer the questions she has.


Nic

[MantaRay]

I'm not sure how old I was at the time, but old enough to understand things. Mum had been to see her gynae (that bit I knew) and then had to go into hossy overnight for surgery. We were told something vague like "women's problems" but no other info. Needless to say I was very worried, at the time, and for ages afterwards. It was only years later as a married adult that I found out why she was really there - to have her tubes tied. Dad being a strict Catholic was against her having it done and only agreed to it (she needed his permission apparently), if we weren't told what was happening so we couldn't be corrupted. When I found out that I had worried needlessly I was a bit angry that mum hadn't told us anyway.

I say the same as most of the others, go with the truth, edited a bit if need be. It is, as Bec said, so much better than the imagined version. Kids have an amazing way of dealing with what they know.

[Aqua]

Hi, I know I am also coming into this late but have had the same experience with my 6 year old. Children get frightened about things they don't understand or things that are being kept from them. Also kids are clever and pick up on tension and stress. I say tell her the truth but without too much detail that will scare her and then try and keep life as normal as possible (hard I know when clinic is so far away). If you act like it is normal and fine, then your child will pick up on that and accept it as normal and fine. This worked with my 6 year old, but after she delt with hospital visits and doctors and started to realise that the end result would be a baby she got very naughty as she felt like we wanted a baby because she wasn't enough or good enough. We had to give lots of love and assurance that even with a baby we would still love her so much. After four turns at ICSI and no sucess she recently said "Doesn't matter about the baby 'cause those doctors never do a good job anyway and never make any babies." It made us laugh - you have to laugh during ICSI or you'll go insane! At least there is one person who is not devestated each time a cycle fails! Good luck and best wishes

[Muppity]

Reading through to the end of the story I guess it is mostly figured out for you - good work!

As for how much to tell her - give her enough to reassure her (because it sounds to me like she thought that there was something really wrong too). Kids are generally pretty good at accepting things quite matter of factly if that is how they are told.

Best of luck with everything.