IVF and the child/children you already have?

[paradise lost]

I'm late coming to this but....i reckon honesty is the way to go.

This is VERY different but when my mum first got cancer she didn't tell any of us. I knew she'd had bad vaginal bleeding (i changed the sheets when dad took her to casualty) but she told us there was "some scars" in her uterus from her c-sections. I was her last c-section and i became convinced i'd done something to make her ill. As the months went on it was more and more obvious something was wrong, doctor's visits, hospital visits, and finally a hysterectomy. It was only after that she told us what was wrong. By the time she told me she had cancer i was unable to concentrate at uni (i dropped out for a year a week later), had lost weight and friends, had severe insomnia (like i was seeing things!) and was basically, in the fullest sense, worried sick. I understand why she did what she did (i was 17, she was scared of how i'd cope, didn't want to ruin my uni plans etc.) but it took me a long time to forgive her. Cancer was actually what i'd feared, imagined. BUt the reality of cancer is not so scary as the idea, really it isn't. A real problem you can set about dealing with, an imagined one just tortures you endlessly and you have no escape because there's no fact or truth to console yourself with.

It sounds like your DD is both sensitive and intelligent. With that combination there is NO LIMIT to what her imagination will be throwing up in relation to your "illness" and she might very well think you're going to die or something terrible like that. Equally she doesn't want to talk about it because she might think it'll make you iller or sad.

If it was me (PLEASE ignore me if this isn't for you! YOU know her best) i would tell her the truth. Basic at first, "mummy isn't ill at all, but the bit of mummy's tummy which can make babies isn't working properly and the doctors need to find out why in case mummy wants to have a baby for us all to love together" and then answer the questions she asks. That way she will only get te info she needs (because she asked for it) and won't be flooded with too much info, and will get some peace from wondering because there will be a space for her to talk about her worries in.

Just my opinion, hope it didn't offend.

Bec

[Baby~amore`]

Basic at first, "mummy isn't ill at all, but the bit of mummy's tummy which can make babies isn't working properly and the doctors need to find out why in case mummy wants to have a baby for us all to love together" and then answer the questions she asks.

well said hoobley - just what I meant !

yes Sarah I knew there were books but not what they were called.

[nic]

Oh Sarah, thanks a million for the book names I will go searching for them a bit later.

Bec - You didn't offend at all. Bit of background info, DH and I grew up differently, his family like to keep 'secrets' from him, and mine were always honest. When I was 10 my mum collapsed at home early one morning. My dad took her to the local hospital, then she was sent onto a bigger hospital, operated on and told she had cancer and only had a couple of months to live. They then came back later and said it wasn't cancer, but endometriosis, it was about to attack her liver and other organs. They did a 'complete' hysterectomy (mum's words) and when she finally got home, mum laid up on the lounge while dad explained what had happened to mum and that she now had a double colostomy, and even showed us what it all looked like. Like I said, I was 10, my brother 6.
When I was about 13, I got called to the school office, only to be met by my dad. I instantly knew something was wrong with mum. They had to go away for a few days, mum's kidneys were failing. When she first visited the dialysis unit, we were with her, we saw it all. She spent close to 10 years waiting for a transplant, so the nurses were (and still are) like family. I suppose this is probably why I believe that honesty is the best policy, it's all I know, but we will have to be careful to not overload DD like you said, just answer the questions she has.


Nic

[MantaRay]

I'm not sure how old I was at the time, but old enough to understand things. Mum had been to see her gynae (that bit I knew) and then had to go into hossy overnight for surgery. We were told something vague like "women's problems" but no other info. Needless to say I was very worried, at the time, and for ages afterwards. It was only years later as a married adult that I found out why she was really there - to have her tubes tied. Dad being a strict Catholic was against her having it done and only agreed to it (she needed his permission apparently), if we weren't told what was happening so we couldn't be corrupted. When I found out that I had worried needlessly I was a bit angry that mum hadn't told us anyway.

I say the same as most of the others, go with the truth, edited a bit if need be. It is, as Bec said, so much better than the imagined version. Kids have an amazing way of dealing with what they know.