Hi all,

Hope you are all enjoying the beginning of the long weekend. I'm going to vent now that I've found the right thread, if you don't mind.

Yesterday I had my transfer, 2 embryo's but only grade 3 quality. The Dr. and the scientist were both pessimistic, very somber looks, soothing voices, and they started talking about the next round already (the Dr. said that he would not give me such high hormone doses next time...). This is my first IVF cycle and I'm devastated. I am so tempted to grab that bottle of red wine on the kitchen bench. What's the point in me waiting if the Dr. and scientist believe that this is not going to work? They were very keen to put two back in as well, obviously because they didn't hold much hope. Being dosed up on these drugs, now Crinone, my breasts sore, I just want to purge my system of all the drugs and start again in a month or two. My husband had a vasectomy more than 20 years ago so his sperm is in the freezer in Kent street and he is on the other side of the world, living in and working from Spain. My dog is stuck in Switzerland as we moved there for my husband's job for a while. We are keeping the dog in Switzerland and we were planning for me to join both DH and dog in Spain next month. Now that is on the back burner and I'm not sure when I'll see my dog (it's been five months already) nor DH. I'm so upset today and feel very alone. What's more, I'm in temporary furnished accommodation and ended the lease early as I thought I would be leaving. Now I'm not so I have to find somewhere else by the 1st May. The instability is getting me down too, the ongoing changes, and of course, IVF.

I have obviously been labouring (pardon the pun) under a gross misapprehension about how this might come easier to me given I'm apparently 'normal' and come from a long line of good, stable breeders.

I'm studying law as well and I can't be bothered focussing on my studies right now. I'm lying in bed (thank goodness it's raining, it suits my mood), I don't feel like going anywhere. I think this is the closest to depression I've ever felt, although I'm sure it's not clinical depression. I need to get my mind in a better frame, start thinking about the positives in life, as there are so many. This has really been quite a reality check for me though as I thought I would just coast through this. I'd say I was borderline arrogant. Im pretty angry too, at myself. I'm frustrated, I can't do the exercise I usually do. And I'm not as tough as I thought. I have a girlfriend who has been through this 15 times and still no success.

Anyway, rant over for now. BTW I'm 38 so I'm worried about age too.

Well my fellow TTCer's, have a nice weekend, thanks for 'listening'.

Cheers
B