LTTTC & Assisted Conception ~ February 2006 #2

[Visitor9]

When we start out this journey nobody evers knows what is going to happen we just presume it will. The initial shock of having to have AI or IVF is a shock to our system not knowing what is going to happen when everything is taken out of our hands and put in the hands of doctors.I have told numerous people that I am not strong and personally I'm not going through 19 IVF attempts losing 2 babies, spending numerous amounts of time in hospital being poked and prodded. We find this strength not because we want to because we want a baby.
Would we give up because it is too painful emotionally sometimes we do and then sometimes we take a break to feel the urge even more.
Are we born this way probably not but we grab hold of what help we can get and accept it. Strong when month after month BFN keep appearing yep cause realistically having your heart ripped out each month knowing that you have done everything possible even to the point of putting an embie back and still nothing.
Most of us still work and fit appointments around this life and often pretending that things are ok on the outside but deep down well we all knows how that feels.
This ride isn't fun but we do it and because we are willing to put ourselves out there month after month gives us strength.
Strength to be sucessful in achieving parenthood.
Talking to others in the same boat gives me strength
The support of my husband and doctors gives me strength
And looking at all the wonderful babies born through AI gives me strength.
Its a different world but it is ours..throw someone into it that hasn't lives it 24 hrs a day for years.
Bec
And I'm attaching my siggie so people can get the strength of my little girl

[lil_chookie]

I hope you have sore bb's and feeling blah.
Bec

LOL - exactly how I feel. Bring on feeling more blah & make my bb's even more sore, I don't care!!!


I agree with we are all on different boats getting to that island of parenthood. I am feeling like my motor is in for repairs this month & I am forced to paddle with my hands lol. I see luxury jetboats flying ahead all around me and I hope my motor is fixed soon and I can join the fast boats on the cruise!!!!

Whilst this is one of the harder times for me, I just take a little step back and remember all the wonderful things in my life especially my dh and it makes it easier to smile. Yeah sure I didn't ask for infertility to be something I have to deal with but I know that I am able to. I don't think I learnt how to, I just always have been.

It's been a long journey so far & I know I am not ready for ivf yet but I also know I will know when I am.

[Visitor9]

When we start out this journey nobody evers knows what is going to happen we just presume it will. The initial shock of having to have AI or IVF is a shock to our system not knowing what is going to happen when everything is taken out of our hands and put in the hands of doctors.I have told numerous people that I am not strong and personally I'm not going through 19 IVF attempts losing 2 babies, spending numerous amounts of time in hospital being poked and prodded. We find this strength not because we want to because we want a baby.
Would we give up because it is too painful emotionally sometimes we do and then sometimes we take a break to feel the urge even more.
Are we born this way probably not but we grab hold of what help we can get and accept it. Strong when month after month BFN keep appearing yep cause realistically having your heart ripped out each month knowing that you have done everything possible even to the point of putting an embie back and still nothing.
Most of us still work and fit appointments around this life and often pretending that things are ok on the outside but deep down well we all knows how that feels.
This ride isn't fun but we do it and because we are willing to put ourselves out there month after month gives us strength.
Strength to be sucessful in achieving parenthood.
Talking to others in the same boat gives me strength
The support of my husband and doctors gives me strength
And looking at all the wonderful babies born through AI gives me strength.
Its a different world but it is ours..throw someone into it that hasn't lives it 24 hrs a day for years.
Bec
And I'm attaching my siggie so people can get the strength of my little girl

[~Jane~]

Bec, I showed DH your little girl and it made his day.

I think the timing of the last theme of strength has been perfect for me. I feel as though I am getting stronger every bit of bad new etc. DH and I went to get the results this morning of his second SA and it was still the same as last time, suggesting that there is an underlying long term problem there. That combined with all of my issues means its a "team problem" as my gynea put it. In a strange way I am glad now that I have all my endo dramas, poor DH feels bad enough with the swimmer probs so at least now he wont feel it is "his fault". I also think having had endo for so long has prepared me somewhat for all of this, it was first suggested to me long before we thought about trying to conceive by a couple of my previous gyneas that I would probably need AR. So instead of being unaware of anything when we started ttc I have always been on alert.

So basically we have our appointment in a week now with the RS. He and my gynea share rooms so he is going to have full access to my files with my gynea (which is as thick as War and Peace) and they are recommending we do ICSI straight away. I will have to get advice on all of these injections and hiddeous things you all talk about that go straight over my head. I am such a wuss, I cant watch when I have a needle now and that is when someone else does it for me, you would think after 9 laps I would be a bit better but I am not.

Anyway, I hope everyone is feeling well and strong. I love all the boat analogies and I am looking forward to the day we all meet up on that island and little ones have a play together on the beach

[ann]

Well I just heard back from the Dr's BFN.

The Dr wants me to have another BT in 2 weeks time, what for, another disappointment?

When I asked the Dr what the reading on the BT was, he said there was no reading it was just neg, he said that HPT's were more sensitive than BT's, what the? He reckons it could be too early for a Bt!!!!!!!

Surely if I was (You know), a BT would have picked something up, in all the time I've been travelling down the IVF path, whenever I had to do a Beta, I was given a reading.

Bloody Dr's, and bloody HPT, I'll never ever do another one in my life (as if).

For the record
LMP 9 Jan
sligh bleeding (Just once) 28 Jan

Now what ?

Thats my winge for the day

Ann

[sushee]

ann,

I've heard of dr's not doing hcg levels, just whether it's -ve or +ve. You gotta wonder though if any hcg showed? Surely if your got a +ve hpt, there must have been some? It's so hard, this not knowing, esp when you go to the Dr's to find out what's going on.

I'm hoping that it really is too soon, my sweet.

love
sushee

[ann]

I actually contacted my IVF nurse, seeing now it is too late to do a FET, and she said that the Dr did a quality test and not as usually done a quantity test for HCG, so she is sending me a for a blood test on Tue, she still says I'm in the game, and that something is obviously going on down under.

She said that yes in early pg, HPT are more sensitive than quality BT's (go figure)
Any way another wait.

Ann

[Shezabelle]

So sorry that you still don't really have an answer Ann [-o< it's good news tuesday.


Danni I hope I didn't offend.. I simply meant that some people cope better than others. Some people don't realise their strength until they are forced to use it.

Bec the boat analogy is perfect!! I want to get to that island too!!!

[Patient-Rose]

I feel kind of guilty sharing my news today because some of you are having such a crappy time of things and I know how much it sucks but I hope that my good news can give you strength, if not today, at some stage to keep going on this crazy journey of TTC. But yes, it was a for me today. I still can't believe it. I made the clinic ring DH so he broke the news to me at about 4.00pm this afternoon while I was in the middle of a shopping centre!

I know there's still a long journey ahead of me and maybe even the heartbreak of a miscarriage but I the strength I have gained from this journey so far I'm sure will help me through any trials ahead, strength that has been increased because I can talk to the awesome women on this forum. I haven't been on here very long but just sharing my story and reading the encouragement from others has been so, so helpful. So thank you everyone.

[Shezabelle]

:happy4u: Congratulations Rose :happy4u:

[MeredithD]

Hello girls -the conversation in here is quite profound I must say! So many of us experiencing so much heartache and frustration. You all are such amazingly strong women -I feel blessed to have found this group.
Lil -chookie - darn the HPT!! how confusing for you. Hoping that in a few days you get a permanent second line. When do you think you will test again?
Ann - I feel frustrated for you. Stupid Dr not requesting a quanitative test!! I had this happen once -was the labs fault -gave me back a +ve HCG when I already knew I was pg from a test few days earlier ( Was having serial HCG monitoring). My clinic just rang the lab and asked them to do level on the same blood sample -could you ring your Dr and request this? Then you could get answer prior to Tues and could even see if levels rising in the test next week. Crossing everything for you.
Shezz - I admire your strength after just having your hopes trashed. Take care of yourself and I am sure you will be blessed with a success very soon.
Jane - I am so sorry about DH's SA results. Must be very hard on both of you. I "get' you on the sharing of blame thing. A very very small part of me wishes my DH had some 'issue' as I currently feel like i am taking the entire load of "fault". I often feel so guilty that I am denying him children he could probably have easily with someone else IYKWIM. Wishing you all the best with your appt next week. At least you will have a plan in place and can look forward to a real chance at conceiving. I'm sure you will cope fine with all the injections -its got to be worth it in the end!
Bec -WOW -you said it all!! Who knows where the strength comes from to deal with what we are all going through but I guess you and Danni are so right -what choice do we have? You say you don't think you are strong enough to go through it all again - may I suggest looking at your gorgeous daughter - you have all the strength in the world. You just need to feel it is the right time to draw on it -good luck to you and thanks for the great words!
As for me, spoke with IVF nurse today and explained the situation -she was kind enough to suggest I come and see her on Thurs and she will do my BT and get results back whilst I wait.She can then call my dr to see if all is ok to proceed.
We are going away with friends for grape grazing festival this weekend. Was organized awhile ago and I had thought I would be 14 weeks pg so was designated driver. I still will be but bit sad that not such a great reason to be holding off the wine now!

[MeredithD]

WOW ROSE -sorry, only just saw your post. Such great news!!
Don't feel guilty, this thread needs some positives !! Hoping we can all follow your lead.
Congrats to you and DH

[sushee]

Congratulations Rose =D>

Didn't want to get your hopes up, but sounds like the bloating is a good sign after all.....

love
sushee

[Shezabelle]

I often feel so guilty that I am denying him children he could probably have easily with someone else IYKWIM.

I know exactly what you mean... I only said to DH last night "sorry my bits don't work" and he laughed me off.. I know they wouldn't have it any other way but you can't help but feel the guilt...

[*Tam*]

Congrats for you Rose. Yes, it is good to see a good sign in the middle of it all.

To all you great gals in here, I loved reading the conversation of the day. Very heartwarming & true.
I know my strength is my DD. When it all falls to pieces, she is the one to give me a cuddle & ask me if I'm ok. And then she's also there to urge me to go when she looks at my belly & asks me if there's a baby sister in there. Warms me to my core.

Take care

[Visitor9]

Ann, I'm so sorry about the BFN! I'm thinking of you
Rose: OMG Congratulations on your news, spread your buby dust around for all of us to roll in. I wish you all the best for your 9 months, I'm sure you will enjoy every minute
Bec

[skyelar]

Congrats Rose what wonderful news!

[firemansgirl]

Shez honey I read with interest your post about strength and how us LTTC are such strong people and I couldn't agree more with you... My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer the other week and has been given 3-4 years at the most. Now my dad is not young, 78, but a young 78. IYKWIM.... I we all know our parents and loved ones are going to die and it isn't something we sit around thinking and stressing about every day and when we do think about it, we just say 'we'll cross that bridge when we come to it"......

Last year when DH and I had our first IVF cycle and we failed dismally with no frosties, I thought 'OMG how am i going to cope?" and somehow i did... now i look back and i think that has made me so much a stronger person today than what i was 12 months ago, and if that hadn't of happened would I have coped with dads prognosis as well as I am. Sure i have days where i cry and i think... oh poor me o my... but i pick myself up and get on with it , and at the end of the day, there is always someone much worse off than me!!!!!

Love and hugs

leis xxx