Terry, Murraycod, Lairdoz and Juniper, thanks for your support.
My period came on fully around 11am this morning. I've spent most of the day in bed nursing my very sore, crampy belly and crying. I tried ringing my parents around 5 times. They finally called me back 20 minutes ago. My Mum told me my father had been feeling very positive about the whole thing but mum hadn't... she said that since all the tests along the way had shown everything was only just within acceptable limits she's not suprised it didn't work. But told me that if I try again maybe the test results might be like my first ones (which were perfect but we ended up not being able to proceed because the clinic had stuffed up blood test results and I needed to get re-immunised for Rubella which meant my cycle had to be put on hold for a month (so I was on synarel for an extra month and when I then had a repeat of the down reg ultrasound my follicles were fairly large (several around the 9 and I was told if any had been 10 they would have cancelled the cycle) and my lining was 4 times as big as the previous one).
I rang the clinic to ask what the next step is and was told I need to have the blood test to confirm that my hormone levels are returning to normal and then the doctor will be notified and he will decide what my options are. I really don't like my doctor (which is probably another part of the reason I didn't want to try again). The nurses are okay, one especially is very nice, the head one - not so much. I don't want to have to go back and see the doctor again.
I asked them about counselling and they told me that I need to get my GP to give me a referral for a mental health plan and then medicare will pay some of the costs of counselling with a private counsellor the clinic uses. So I'm not sure how out of pocket I will be. I asked if it was the same counsellor who I had to see for the state mandated counselling session which you have to have before you can use donor gametes and she said yes. I really hated that counsellor so I can't see any point in going to her because it made me feel crap the first time when I was feeling positive, imagine how much worse she'd make me feel now! The nurse then gave me another name to try.
The problem I am faced with now is that I don't want to try again, but I'm not "at peace" with the decision to give up. I look around my beautiful farm (which I bought with the intention of raising another child here) and I just feel so sad and alone.
This morning my daughter saw I was crying and asked why. I told her I got my period (she is 13 so knows this means I'm not pregnant) and she just said "Well I felt sick last night". I asked if she was okay now and she was and went off to school. I know she is only 13 but it hit home then that she doesn't understand or care what I am going through and I guess that's good... she shouldn't have to share this stress but it also made me feel more alone.
I am very grateful I already have a child... and most of the time she is a great kid. I was so lucky I concieved her (by accident when her father and I were using contraception and only saw each other once a fortnight). I feel like she was a soul floating around just waiting to be born and it was her need to be born that bought her father and I back together time after time. We split up for good when I was 16 weeks pregnant and he has never met her. Maybe I don't have any other souls attached to me waiting to be born. Maybe it is time that I just accepted that fact. She is the only child I'm meant to have and I need to make the most of the next 5 years? of her still living with me before she goes off into the big wide world (she wants to work and backpack her way around the world).
I guess the hardest thing to accept is that as a child and teenager, when my friends were imagining their big white weddings and a house full of kids, I always pictured myself as the single mother of 2 kids. There was never a partner in my visions (which has proved to be true) but there were always two kids (which seems to be proving impossible).
Thanks for listening and for your support.
I hope you all get some positive news soon.
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