One week today (or tomorrow, depending on how you look at it).
I never really thought of myself as innocent. But could not see myself as more than a girl. Not exactly a child but not quite a woman either. I dont feel like a girl anymore. Im older, more confident in myself but more afraid of everything around me and much less naive.
My life is still playing out in front of me like a movie in surround sound, is this my new reality or will that fade?
I cant believe its been a whole week. It has gone so fast yet I can hardly remember the person I was before. Like looking at a photograph of an event you know took place but cant actually remember happening. I want to slow down time, go back and savour it, drown in it. I will never get that time back, and I wish so much that I hadnt willed it away, willed the pain to stop.
Is that crazy? To want back the single most awful moments of my life just so that I can be fully present for the loss of my baby? So that I can remember every detail. So that my physical and emotional pain are equal again. I feel so off balance within my soul. Its not right that my heart hurts so much but my body shows no sign of it. I yearn for that physical pain to set it right again.
I thought of getting a tattoo, just a small one on my wrist, as a reminder, something I can see, touch. Something that is with me always and cant be lost or broken. Like a badge on my skin, that says Im a member of this horrible club and my baby mattered, if only to me. But I want the pain of it too. I want to FEEL it and I want it to hurt, so much that my eyes sting with tears and it reminds me Im alive.
A friend said I am brave, that I am a survivour. I dont feel brave. Im holding it together because I dont have a choice. I dont feel like a survivour. A large part of me died with my baby. I will never be that same person again. Never again can I say I am a mother of one without betraying my angel. But I cant say Im a mother of two without inviting pity and well meant comments that cut like a knife.
It's Monday today. The first Monday since. I would have been 5 weeks 2 days instead I am empty and numb. There is nothing left to show of my baby. No us pictures, no HPTs or blood results, no longer bleeding. No proof s/he ever existed. S/he is completely gone and nothing can bring my little one back.
Im struggling to get past 3pm without a nap, is that normal? I quite literally can not keep my eyes open. My body doesnt give me a choice. Not great when when home alone with a 3 year old that needs supervising and never naps.
( Err, reading that back it sounds a bit melodramatic. I didnt mean it like that, I just poured my thoughts onto the page. :/ )
I just wanted to say that it doesn't sound melodramatic. it sounds like a very articulate representation of your thoughts and feelings. I hope writing helped evena tiny bit - I think writing can be therapeutic our a way of clarifying your feelings.
a tattoo sounds like a good way to keep the memory of your baby close
Thanks Sloane, it does help. Im finding if I purge before I go to bed it doesnt take so long to get to sleep.
Ive been having nightmares, not particularly nasty ones, but a few a night. I only remember one from last night - something about not being able to turn on any lights in one of my old houses. Terrifying stuff. Lol its not so much the actual dreams but the uncomfortable, anxious feelings that come with it. They are all about different things but the feelings are the same. Wierd.
DF is against me getting a tattoo. Says he likes me the way I am, so I'll have a think about it for a while and if its still something I really want I'll do it anyway. I explained it to him like I did here and I think he understands that, so hopefully he wont be too upset if I do it anyway. Itw not like Im planning a sleeve. Just something 5ish cm or smaller.
I know I shouldnt be thinking like this, and I know there is no way I can ever know for sure but I cant help but think this WAS my fault (or my body's fault). I have to get this out of my head. Ive tried to push it out of my mind but it wont go away...
Around ovulation and for the next 2 weeks I had shingles and took antivirals. Had a fever
Then caught DFs flu. Another fever.
Took 2 nurofen around (just before) implantation thinking we had no chance of pregnancy. Stupid mistake.
I am vitamin D deficient.
I know it wont change anything but I cant help but wonder.. was my body just under too much stress? Did something I took cause this?
Hun, please don't beat yourself up like that . You have done nothing wrong! When we lose a pg, it's so, so easy to blame ourselves, isn't it? After all, the embryo/baby was in our body, it failed to protect it, right? Not really. How many women out there, get horribly drunk, not once but several times, take nurofen and other drugs that are a big no no in pg, jump around silly and do other big no no things not knowing they are pg, only to end up having a relatively if not completely healthy bubs. Please don't blame yourself. A sister of a good friend of mine, didn't know she was pg until she was 5 months along. She drank like a fish and the little girl is fine.
Thanks Miss.B. I know I shouldnt but its hard not to analyse everything. I sort of see it from another perspective in that the ones who party before they realise they're pregnant, are lucky thier babies are unharmed. I dunno. It doesnt make a difference either way so I should just let it go but I cant.
Today was a bit rough, had my mum here all morning which is always stressful. Had a crappy morning with DF, arguing over stupid things and DTD last night must have stirred something up because I was crampy again, although no bleeding at all, it was uncomfortable.
DTD was scary. Scared I'll fall pregnant again, scared I'll miscarry again, scared it'd hurt for some reason. I told DF that I wanted to DTD (release...) but was scared. I should have known that he would push for it (push not force) when he thought he had a chance but I dunno if he would have ever gotten anywhere without giving me a bit of a nudge. I think it is always going to be scary from now on. I've been a bit throbby the last few days. Which I assume is hormones again. Its not sore, just sensitive I think. I spent the whole time just thinking get in and get out. Which he was fine with. Hopefully next time Im less stressed...
And my hormones must be all over the place again because I am emotional and very grumpy today. I lost it in the car. Telling DF that I have been trying really hard to hold everything together over the past week and keep going for DS and attempting to keep on top of things (failing miserably though) but Im really not coping. But life goes on, I cant afford to not cope right now so instead I have to push it to the back of my mind during the day or I'll fall apart completely. Then by night time Ive spent so much energy pushing my feelings away that I dont know how to let them out so they just built up until I lose my **** at poor unsuspecting people.
I want so desperately to be pregnant again. But terrified at the same time. I shouldnt have to worried about this I want to go back to my blissfully ignorant self.
Strangely, I dont wish I was never pregnant. Im glad I had that 4 days. That I now have 2 babies. Even if one is not with me anymore. Im not glad that we lost it, but Im glad s/he was here. I think s/he was here for a reason. This experience has changed me. In some ways for the worse but also for the better. How does one explain like being pregnant for 4 weeks (knowing for 4 days) is still worth the heartache.
Is this the definiton of love or insanity? To hold your tiny baby in your womb for a matter of days only to lose them and still be glad they were there?
SIL had a baby 5 weeks ago and we were over there tonight for a visit. I just held him for what seemed like hours while he slept. So sweet and peaceful. And while my heart is bursting with love for my tiny nephew, it made me sad to look at him and know my baby will never be held like that. My baby will never look at me with thier big eyes and take in my face the way he did moments before he fell asleep.
In the first 2 days I cried just about non stop. Then the next week I only cried at night and occasionally during the day. Now, a week and a half (internal monologue says "should be 5 wks 4 d") I cant. At all. Nothing will get the tears flowing. No poems, talking, writing, songs, reading of others experiences work. Its frustrating the heck out of me.
I have to repress it during the day so I can care for my son. But then at night I cant let go.
Im exhausted all the time. Falling asleep mid afternoon. Its impossible to fight, I cant keep my eyes open. Not great when you have an attention hungry 3 year old hell bent on destroying the place. Or when you are sitting on the bus!
My chest feels like its in a vice,
Im nauseas all the time,
Insomnia and nightmares everynight, about completely random stuff that wouldnt normally be a nightmare but I wake feeling anxious and scared, are making it impossible to get decent sleep. Dream about not being able to turn on the lights or get the lid off a container, wake up feeling stressed and panicked. What the?
The odd period pain like cramp and heavy feeling like AF is about to arrive. Bleeding stopped altogether yesterday and nothing since. Just loads of super stretchy EWCM.
I cant focus on anything other than miscarriage info, for more than a couple of minutes. I cant make myself focus, or want to be interested. Theres a lot of things I cant make myself care about right now. The only thing that my mind will allow itself to be distracted by is the book Im reading.
My inner monologue is working overtime. Every little thing is a reminder. Everything I read is followed by a mental note. - should have been..., last time this happened..., I will never... with/for my baby.
What the heck 'stage' of grief is this? Ive googled and cant find anything on this.
Im not angry- although I did ask the universe today if she had anything else shed like to throw at me and spent all day yesterday picking fights with DF and trying not to rip my mothers head off (actually, thats fairly standard, but I was a bit more sensitive.)
Im not in denial- in fact Im tempted to tell random strangers at the supermarket when the check out girl asks how I am or the bus driver says to have a nice day. Pretty sure they dont need or want to know.
Im not in shock -I think this one was short lived, a few hours, if that, while I rattled off all the stuff Id read in the past about statistics and causes and posted here and on FB begging to be told that the level of bloodloss and cramps I was experiencing was normal.
Im not really 'sad' - obviously upset and its definately still affecting me but its different.. I dont know, cant really explain that one. Maybe I am but because Im so used to repressing everything my body doesnt know how to label it.
I have some guilt issues - yesterday was bad for guilt but still not able to have a cry about it. Still cant name bub, and feel guilty for feeling stupid talking to DF naming a few mms sized cluster of cells. Feel guilt for not feeling more. Not hurting more.
I have regrets. No us pictures, threw out pee sticks, shouldve got blood test earlier, slight mixed feelings at the begining.
And fear. Loads of fear. Im scared of losing again. Scared of losing DS. My general level of anxiety has increased.
Im not coping with DS and DF and MILs usual crap. Too much yelling/ frustration.
Surely Im not getting over this? Everyone says that you never get over it and never forget but I do forget, for 15-30 mins at a time, sometimes longer depending on the the distraction. I am not struggling to get through my days (aside from constant tiredness). I dont want the pain to go away. I want it to hurt again. Its too soon. Its only been a week. Im not ready to move on..
It still hurts but nothing like before. Is it relative? Am I still hurting lots but it doesnt seem as bad becuase Ive passed the worst of it? Or is this the calm before the storm? Am I going to go on like this for days, or weeks then flip out?
Is this normal or am I headed for an explosion when I cant contain it anymore?
ETA- Disconnected. I am unintentionally pulling back, into myself so I dont have to feel anything. Having written everything out I realised that I am feeling it more than I thought. Im just not allowing it to affect me. That doesnt really make sense. But anyway.
How do I make that connection again, so that I can get through this? So that Im not perpetually stuck in this state of nothingness.
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Is anyone even reading my verbal diarrhea anymore?
Not that thats the point, Im a "talker". If I didnt write this out somewhere (this being pretty much my only outlet) Id lose my mind and hey maybe it will help someone one day to not feel quite so alone. More normal. Cause goodness knows Im feeling more than a little nutty right now.
And I realise there comes a point where there is nothing that one can say without repeating oneself.
And I know Im probably repeating myself a lot.
And I know I havent shut up about it and I probably sound like a really needy, whiny broken record.
But damn, almost everyone has just kind of... disappeared.
Is that just a natural progression, everyone is there for a while but they get sick of hearing about it/ have thier own stuff to worry about and stop replying? Thats not an attack, genuine question not just relating to here, cause its happened IRL with the one person that knows IRL as well. Or is it me and I need to shut up and stop complaining? Not that I feel like Im complaining, but I can see how it might look like that.
Obviously the self esteem is a little low tonight. Sorry folks, please return to your regular programme.
What you are feeling is your normal. A miscarriage is a horrible, horrible experience not only physically but emotionally. People who haven't experienced one don't understand and its not that they are sick of you, its that they have no idea. They are very fortunate. I wish i was still that naive. its not just a bunch of cells. its shattered and broken dreams and just when you think you are ok, something will trigger and you are back where you started as an emotional mess. I've had two. Completely different experiences and reactions both times. They don't so much hurt me to think about anymore, but if I stop and actually concentrate on it for a while its upsetting. I haven't for a while now though as I choose to concentrate on what I do have.
Noone should tell you to get over it. Because you don't. You learn to live with it, the same as a death of a living person.
A pregnancy now will never bring the same joyful ignorance for you. It will be jaded by fear and doubt and irrational thoughts. I am a few weeks off giving birth to my rainbow baby and i have only relaxed over the last couple months. Which is sad.
You will find peace within yourself when you are ready to do so. You will accept that life is a ***** and carry on.
I wish you all the best x
Its f***ed. I dont want to do this anymore.
The crazy mood swings, self doubt, inability to sleep or function, irrational thoguhts, ridiculous dreams, the struggle to breathe, to make people believe Im ok.
I want to get off this merry go round.
I want out.
It is ****ed. There's no other way to put it. Give yourself a little more time, if you still feel the same go talk to someone. I was angry for a long time. Acupuncture helped me to relax and breathe again. The angry swollen knotted feeling was making it hard to conceive again also, I constantly had a knot of anger in my chest.
I didn't even realise I'd been doing it. I haven't had it since.
That's what worked for me, not saying that's a sure fire fix but it can't hurt to try.
Went back to the doctor today for my BT results.
I had the blood taken 1 day after I started bleeding. It was supposed to be quantative but just came back as "negative". I thought the HCG would stay in my system for a while after I started bleeding?? I had an extremely faint hpt that morning too. Maybe I just left it too long.
Because of this he was confused and wanted to send me to the hospital to see a gynae. I didnt go. It seems like a complete waste of time andmI would have had to take DS too. No thanks. I already know what happened, I dont need to sit around in a hospital waiting room for hours to be told what I already know.
Ive been so sensitive today. I cried when the receptionist at the doctors told me I need to remember my doctors name. I felt like a school kid being told off a few of the girls at playgroup noticed I was feeling off today too. Its nice to know they care enough to ask. They were very kind and supportive.
Now I have MIL issues too. shes decided I dont like her because I got the ****s that she never knocks when she comes into my house. And I should be grateful for all that she has done for us (which I am! But that doesnt mean I have to think its ok for her to do and say whatever the hell she wants all the time!) How selfish of me to want my privacy. as if I need that BS right now. Not that she knows about the mc, but still. I dont think I will ever need that crap.
Having one big fat FML kinda day today.
I feel like Ive said everything I can say to get it out there but still feel crappy and emotional. Urgh.
Big massive hugs Calluna, its seems like when it rains it pours. Sorry id write more but I'm a bit tipsy on my lonesome. Totally understand your feelings, and no they're not because of hormones. Just an insensitive MIL. Hugs again, and remember you have lots of friends who care about you.
Well now I dont know what think. Just got back from the hospital.
According to the head doctor, I am not, nor was I ever pregnant. According to him, home tests are notoriously inaccurate.
2 false positives in 4 days, yeah, that happens all the time.So much for closure.
My heart says that the ER doc is full of it. But how can I not doubt myself now?
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I want to go back to my blissfully ignorant self.
a few of the girls at playgroup noticed I was feeling off today too. Its nice to know they care enough to ask. They were very kind and supportive.
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